Partner doesn't like sharing a bed

[camberskank]

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this? I completely get it. He likes space, he doesn't sleep well, he's 6ft3 and sleeps better on his own. He tells me he sleeps better on his own. I've been away with work all week and I know it has been bliss for him. He likely will be dreading having to share a bed again.

I don't snore, barely move at night and he simply finds it annoying not having much space. We don't have room for a bed bigger than a double.

I guess I just don't like that he doesn't like me being in bed with him. I'm 6 months pregnant and like knowing he's there next to me, he just lays there frustrated wishing I wasn't there. He's now resorted to sleeping on the sofa all the time.

AIBU to let this bother me? Can you still have a good relationship and sleep in separate rooms? Is this a normal way to feel?

Not sure if my hormones are getting to me or I'm feeling upset for good reason...

Is your room 6ft wide? If so DO get a super king bed. They are basically 2 long single beds zipped and linked together. We have separate duvets too. We are both hefty and DH is VERY tall.
It fills the room. Tiny space either side but it's bliss!!
The DC used to come & sleep with us & we still had loads of room!
Get rid of any other furniture.
If you really can't, a single in the nursery is ok short term but maybe not when your DC gets older.

@MinaPaws nope
We actually like each other more 😉

We bought this house in October. We can't move again this soon and couldn't afford anything bigger. We only just afforded this one. What a dilemma...

I hate sharing a bed. When we go on holiday we book a twin room (or last weekend a room with 2 double beds!) as I am now used to sleeping separately and don't sleep properly with him in my bed any more.

We're lucky there's room for 2 small doubles in my room, but we do snuggle up together before sleep, I tickle his back until he goes to sleep then slink off into my bed to sleep, so it doesn't affect intimacy.

I also wear ear plugs so I can't hear him snore either. I have had many a miserable night being kept awake by his tossing and turning and snoring. Separate beds all the way for me.

However, my DP did object when I first brought it up - he saw it as a rejection, but in fairness, he can sleep through anything - except his own bloody noise as he wakes himself up he's so loud!

Sleep is so important, especially when you have small kids, so just do whatever you both need to get a good night's sleep and make sure you keep the cuddles alive in the daytime.

We get on far better in separate bedrooms as we aren't sleep deprived!

We cannot fit a bigger bed in! We half half a foot if that either side! There is a gap in the walls at the top of my bed at my side which is just big enough for a bedside crib. We have measured and the mattress would be touching the walls. We likely wouldn't fit a frame in. I'm honestly not making it up when I say there isn't room.

This thread has helped me realise though that it's normal for him to feel that way though, thank you.

Just to add, if super king beds didn't exist, we would definitely have separate rooms! I quite like the idea of popping over to his room for a 'snuggle' and then going back to my lovely clean bed later!
Uncomfortable sleeping arrangements will kill any relationship.

How big is your bedroom? A super king is six foot wide, a king five foot, and a double four foot. Could you not even fit in a king size bed, is the room not even five foot wide?

Ok. Cross posted your bedroom is only five foot wide, then yes, it's not big enough for a king.

@Bluntness100 it's the same width as a king bed. We would fit one in there but it would be touching the walls and would be a nightmare getting in and out and would mean we can't use our bedside crib at all and baby would have to go straight in to the nursery. It would literally be a room just for a bed and nothing else...

Sorry blunt xp

We cannot fit a bigger bed in! We half half a foot if that either side!

Your room is less than 6 foot wide?! Are you living in a Wendy House?

DP is 6ft 5, and a snorer. We do sleep together 90% of the time, but if one of us is ill, has slept badly, been drinking or whatever, he sleeps in the spare room. I definitely sleep better on my own. I always wear earplugs, even if he’s actually away for work, and can’t sleep without them. Between them and my sexy night guard for bruxism, I am surprised he doesn’t insist on separate beds.

I think you are allowed to feel sad about this - sharing a bed with a partner or spouse is a source of intimacy and pleasure for many people - and if you feel your partner doesn't get pleasure from it or it needs to stop, it's not surprising you feel sad.

That said, you can feel sad and then have to look for ways forward - a larger bed might squeeze into the room and solve the problem....or not, or it might be that you need 2 narrow 2ft 6 singles or for one of you to be in another room. It isn't the end of the relationship but you might have to work hard to develop intimacy in other ways.

You can be clear that you're willing to look for ways forward to give him more space, but also that it makes you a bit sad because you liked sharing the bed...this isn't guilt tripping, just honesty....and as you try to accommodate his needs, hopefully he too will be willing to try some new approaches and if it ends in separate beds to realise it's a loss for you and to show intimacy in other ways too. Be encouraged by all the Posters on here who have separate beds or rooms and happy relationships.

Op, could you change your sofa to a sofa bed? Use the living room as a bedroom at night? Even if it's just for one of you? You get some really good ones now.

I get you OP!

Dh snores so I end up nudging him several times night, waking him up, so we both had a restless nights. We started sleeping separately, he loved it as I wasn’t elbowing him but I hated it! I felt really lonely and I missed him. I told him bike ungaooy I was and he decided to stop drink every night, he lost a bit of weight and he stopped snoring and we started sleeping together again.

If you miss him at night I think you have to have a chat and come up with a solution. There must be one! Even if it’s sharing a bed for half the week. it’s not fair that you’re so unhappy!

I don't think you should move into a single bed in the dc's room when the baby is born. Co-sleep with the baby in the double and let him take the single. He's the one with the issue, it shouldn't be on you to make all the sacrifices.

Please excuse typos!

OP where were you planning on all sleeping once baby arrives? It doesnt sound like there is enough room in your bedroom for the babys moses basket/crib.

Am I right that you have two bedrooms? Yours which has your bed and the spare which has your wardrobe but will become the nursery?

I had a partner like this for a while, and I found it very hurtful at the time, despite him explaining the complex things that put him there emotionally (to do with a very poor, deprived and overcrowded childhood).

Fast forward 25 odd years, I now have a child and have on numerous occasions shared a bed with him while he wriggled around like fuck... also, like most mothers, I'm constantly on high alert for any noise and sleep really lightly. I'm a single parent, but I honestly don't think I could share a room with someone, much less a bed on a regular basis. I really need my own space and absolute silence.

So having been both sides of this divide, I'd say try to understand that it's not personal, and it's not a rejection of you. It really isn't, no matter how you feel about it (and I do understand those feelings).

I have been sleeping in the spare room and I love it. I am having a bad sleep pattern - which happens every year about this time. I can go whole nights absolutely wideawake. Usually I do things like iron, clean, even had a few walks. What with that and the heat I can not spend every night with DH. He radiates heat at the best of times and isn't a still sleeper. He can't keep to his own bit if the bed either. So I usually go into the spare room at some point and just have peace and quiet and there are two electric fans in there - and two in our room so he is not deprived of them. Insect screens up and I lie with the windows wide open, safe from moths, fans on full and can do what I like without disturbing him.
TBH I like being by myself but he would be really hurt if it was a permanent thing and I can cope better when I am in a better sleep pattern. I just like space and a cool bed to myself sometimes and not having to be considerate about anyone. Doesn't mean I don't love DH.

We got a kingsize bed which has helped but with small children we could do with even bigger. I don't like them in the bed either- they are hot and wriggly and clingy.

Seperate bedrooms here. He moved into the spare room when I was 3 months pregnant as I was going crazy with lack of sleep due to his horrendous snoring, duvet hogging and general flailing. (6"3 heavy set fella). It was bliss. (I could still hear the snoring through the wall but could cope with that).

Almost a decade later we are still in different rooms. He feels this has affected our marriage as less physical affection but I don't agree. I think he'd be in the bottom of the garden if we still shared a bed. I remember being awake at 3am tearful and poking him to turn the fuck over to stop the snoring. Nightmare.

As for bed hygiene I am a self confessed freak and can't stand the thought of other people's germs/farts/bodily fluids in my bed.

How about twin beds in your bedroom?

Aww I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! I'd be really upset if my husband didn't want to sleep in he same bed he's very tall and broad and I'm also pregnant so it gets quite snug!!! But I love all the cuddling! If I was you, I'd sit him down and ask him about what the long term plan is... will he continue this long term? If so, how do you feel about that? Honestly, it would be a massive deal to me!

Obviously there's a money element to it (needing an extra bedroom) but I can't wait until it becomes a common thing for couples to have their own bedrooms. DH and I recently moved and prioritised getting an extra bedroom so we can both enjoy blissful sleep. You can't overestimate the benefits of good sleep IMO!

However, our inlaws can't seem to stop making comments about it as they clearly believe it means the end of our marriage (which I think is rather bold since the only reason my PIL can share a bed despite my MIL's deafening snores, is because my FIL is deaf as a post and takes his hearing aids out before bed).