To think this parent was incredibly rude?

[Sparklyshoes16]

Just got back from supermarket today as have friends and their children coming over later that we haven't seen for ages.

I was in the pudding section and picked up a selection box of patisserie cakes and was looking at something else to get so everyone could have a bit of choice! A girl aged around 8 was next to me and was very excited about all the cakes, she went over to her Mother (who was stood talking to another woman about 2 meters away) and asked if she could have the Victoria fresh cream sponge, her Mother then very loudly said "No go and put it back now is that what you want to look like when you're older?" At which point I looked up and over and all three were staring at me!...the girl put the cake back with her head down and went back to stand next to the trolley and looked away.

The two women kept looking at me exchanged sly grins and then carried on their conversation...now I know that I need to lose weight and I am doing so in my own time and happy with the amount I've lost so far my goal is a 14-16 (as that's the size I didn't feel so unfit) I'm currently a size 26-28...I've never felt so embarrassed and wanted the ground to open up...I've had much worse said but this really got to me the other thing that got to me was the girls face she looked incredibly sad when her Mum said that. I really don't understand the need for some people to comment on other people's size?

AIBU to think that parents need to be more careful about what they project onto their children and the Mother was incredibly rude?...I can see this little girl having a lifetime of food issues.

Lying-what if someone consistently behaves in a particular way, or exhibits some extreme behaviour without provocation? Surely we manifest ourselves to the world through our actions and words. If what you are manifesting is ugly then the label is not inappropriate. Of course, people can see the error of their ways and change and we all have lapses. But the comment to the OP was so unkind and unprovoked AND done in front of a child, that I don't have a problem with describing the character of the person responsible as ugly.

What an awful thing to say and a terrible example to set for her child. Must have been very hurtful but remember she is a nasty piece of work and must be deeply unpleasant to be around

Armadillo, it WAS an unkind comment, in front of a child or not, but I personally wouldn't write somebody off as 'ugly inside' from a one-off incident. She might well be all that you say, but she might not. She was nasty to make that comment, no question about it.

That's just my opinion though, I respect yours.

Quite right, @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I had a similar thing happen to me, from another mum at the school gate, the mum of my DD2's best friend no less. DD2 (then 5) told me after school that her BFF had told her that her mum thought I was fat.

I was embarrassed but I laughed it off at the time, and simply admitted that it was true that I was overweight. I didn't know the mum personally so I didn't really care what she thought.

If she'd said in front of me, it obviously would have been more upsetting.

But after that, DD2 started commenting on my weight. I don't actually mind, but I tell her that it's not nice to make personal comments about people.

Awful, ignorant woman. Sorry she did that to you op

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Apologies was skimming quickly through before my friends come and have misread your post ...thank you for your kind words and to all the other previous posters too...it is interesting to see everyone's comments...including those posters who have a different view as to whether it's rude.

I am no longer thinking I'm 'disgusting' which is the way she made me feel...I could have come home and gorged on everything but just thought no not worth it and at least I don't think/say that to other people and certainly not to my children when I eventually have them!

Kids, eh? Lizzie48.

I think people generally talk about other people far too much and they forget that their children are in earshot. I expect that mum would be mortified to know that her little cherub had passed the message on.

It's forgivable when children do it but it smarts when it's an adult who should know a hell of a lot better.

OP, this is awful. What horrible women.

As lots of others have said, they’re doing that child no favours- apart from teaching her to be unkind. I had anorexia in my teens and early 20s, and through counselling I realised that a couple of throwaway comments made by adults made me view food as ‘scary’ from the age of about 9:

• Eating sweets. My Mum told me that they’d ‘go straight to my thighs’. Spent some time afterwards trying to work out how many sweets I must’ve eaten in my life by working out how many would fit in my thighs.
• Teacher said that eating too many biscuits causes fat to clog up your arteries, and that’s why people have heart attacks. This was in year 6. I refused to eat for a couple of weeks afterwards- I lived off high energy milkshakes prescribed by the GP (because in my head, liquid was ‘safe’). Even when eating again, I would barely touch anything ‘naughty’ for fear that it would cause me to die.

I really hope that girl grows up to have a healthy relationship with food.

Lying-thanks. I did not say that the woman should be "written off"-I explicitly made the point that people can change. However, my view is that if someone is in a place where they think it is okay to speak to someone in such a vile and demeaning way, and give a child a message that it is acceptable then they do need to reflect on that and change. I respect that you believe that the mother may be fine as she is, but I feel sad that a child is receiving those kinds of meesages. Even as a one off it was damaging. I hope that something or something makes the mother question and amend that behaviour.

SparklyShoes, she was most definitely RUDE! I'd say also obnoxious. I'd also say that were the boot on the other foot, she would be feeling as sad as you were feeling.

Even if you were bed-bound, unable to care for yourself and wipe your own bottom because of your weight, you would NOT be disgusting. Weight is a measure of our body, it's not a measurement of us, of our worth as people.

I know that feeling of wanting to gorge... for me it would always be Wotsits little cheesy fuckers rather than cakes but to each his/her own poison. I don't have them in the house because I have zero control where they're concerned - my husband and kids eat them in the park, in the car, anywhere where I am not....

Anyway, I digress - wanting to gorge to cure an upset is a very emotional thing and it's something that I personally need to keep a grip of for myself. If I'm upset I wouldn't gorge at that point - but I might when I'd come to terms with whatever it was, a bit later. I tell myself that I can have cheese & pickle sandwich (for example) and I make it, put it on a plate, cut it in triangles - and put foil over it. I will eat it in a while, not just now when I'm calming down but when I've calmed down and can sit and enjoy it.

That works for me - for now. Food isn't my friend or my enemy, it's just food and I want to/need to remember to treat it that way.

I know you haven't asked for any advice SparklyShoes but I would say to you, have your delicious cake but not when it's 'tainted' by upset. Save it for an hour or later and really enjoy it when you settle down to it because you deserve to have food that doesn't come with a side of guilt or shame. :)

Don't waste any more of your day on those people op,have a wonderful time with your family and friends and let karma take care of those two,because she surely will.

She might be doing just that, Armadillo, sitting at home and thinking about her day - and then that comment... and think, "WTF, oh I was a bitch"... or sitting at home, blithely watching something on TV and not thinking about it at all.

If though she is thinking of OP and gloating or delighting in having upset her then that would make her a sad individual indeed and the only thing to feel really is pity.

The OP's fabulous though.

Sorry to hear this OP. Don't let them put you off your own efforts though, and feel good that you're a nice person with it. It sounds like the poor daughter was embarrassed by the mum's behaviour.

Lying-well, if she has realised how vile she was, I hope that she is doing some damage limitation with the little girl.

But we can agree that the OP is fabulous

You may be overweight but at least you aren't a callous bitch. You are a better person than they are. That's what I'd take from that op. Good luck with the weight loss, I'm doing it myself, it's bloody hard. X

selection box of patisserie cakes would have got winged straight at her head

That's true, @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe that's why I wasn't upset about it. I was embarrassed but I could see the funny side. We all say things in unguarded moments, I would be mortified if one of my DDs said something like that.

The issue here was that the other mum made her comments in front of the OP. She definitely was very rude.

All the same, OP, you shouldn't give her any headspace, you probably won't see her again.

LaBella

Her size is hard to miss? I don’t even clock the appearance of people.

I do clock what I hear and I despair at how our country is increasingly accepting vile public behaviour.

The OP has every right to go about her day without being ridiculed.

I’m so sorry OP. Some people are just vile. Ive been in a similar situation a few times , mostly men who would catcall and when they had no response from me, would shout the classic “well you’re a fat bitch anyway” or similar.
At secondary school I was called fat repeatedly by girls in my year, (I was about a size 12). I really hope you are okay it’s not acceptable to treat people this way

Hmm, while I do think this woman went too far, its bit of a stretch to say that bringing a child up to know that eating too much cake will result in obesity is somehow a one way ticket to an eating disorder.

I'm quite happy to tell my DD that she will get a fat tummy if she eats too much food, because its a statement of fact.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt OP, but we're doing our DCs a disservice if we fail to educate them about the risks of overeating.

...and re the JK Rowling quote, I do agree with the premise, but the fact is that being any of the things she lists, while not great, isn't going to significantly shorten your life and leave your children without a mother.

What a nasty, spiteful woman. How horrible.

Absolutely vile. I hope you're OK, OP.
People who are truly happy about themselves don't say things like that. I always remember the line from Roald Dahl's "The Twits" where he says something about how beauty and happiness do shine within and you can't help looking lovely.
I hope you enjoyed your cakes, and that you all had a lovely evening. Your family have a happy, kind mother as opposed to that poor girl having a mum who judges, projects eating issues and is cruel.

I'm really sorry OP. What nasty people! I hope you had a lovely evening with your friends!

@ManorGreyhound

My mum used to go on about me being overweight. She even said once that she would weigh me after a month and if I hadn't lost any weight she would smack me. The result? I'm a yo-yo dieter and I've had lifelong issues with food. I dieted so hard that I had no periods for 9 months once. Last year I started throwing up to stop myself putting on weight.

It's serious. I think we should focus on teaching our children to make good choices with regards to food, and make sure they don't overeat in the first place, without making an issue of it.

And my DDs are very slim with no issues with their weight. But they still worry about looking fat. And that despite the fact that I never talk to them about going on a diet.