To think this parent was incredibly rude?

[Sparklyshoes16]

Just got back from supermarket today as have friends and their children coming over later that we haven't seen for ages.

I was in the pudding section and picked up a selection box of patisserie cakes and was looking at something else to get so everyone could have a bit of choice! A girl aged around 8 was next to me and was very excited about all the cakes, she went over to her Mother (who was stood talking to another woman about 2 meters away) and asked if she could have the Victoria fresh cream sponge, her Mother then very loudly said "No go and put it back now is that what you want to look like when you're older?" At which point I looked up and over and all three were staring at me!...the girl put the cake back with her head down and went back to stand next to the trolley and looked away.

The two women kept looking at me exchanged sly grins and then carried on their conversation...now I know that I need to lose weight and I am doing so in my own time and happy with the amount I've lost so far my goal is a 14-16 (as that's the size I didn't feel so unfit) I'm currently a size 26-28...I've never felt so embarrassed and wanted the ground to open up...I've had much worse said but this really got to me the other thing that got to me was the girls face she looked incredibly sad when her Mum said that. I really don't understand the need for some people to comment on other people's size?

AIBU to think that parents need to be more careful about what they project onto their children and the Mother was incredibly rude?...I can see this little girl having a lifetime of food issues.

That's true, 4GreenApples, I just do a brisk "Not today..." and whizz mine past whatever it is that they're eyeing up.

That’s disgusting! Also sad to think that this woman is teaching her child to be judgmental and rude.

Horribly rude and bitchy. Rise above it OP, just be thankful you are a nice decent person unlike these women.

Hope you have a lovely afternoon with your friends and cakes

Caribbeanyesplease

Had an empathy by-pass by any chance? The OP posted because she was upset and came looking here for some much needed support. If you feel unable to provide that, then just go on to the next thread.

OP, I am as big as you and on my way to losing weight, it will not happen overnight, but it will happen! Keep on keeping on.

Nasty and very rude
Have a lovely time with your friends

The response that would fit here is

Well I can always loose weight but you will always be a rude, judgemental bitch

So why post? Genuinely baffled
For validation.
Validation that it's okay to be overweight because rude people are rude.
Validation that anyone making a comment on someone's weight (in the cream cake isle of all places) is bullying and cruel.

Which it is. But if OP hadn't been there the mum would likely have jut said "no, because you'll get fat."

I'm actually baffled at the idea that it's being suggested to tell dc they can't have the cake because the sugar is bad for their teeth. Whilst ignoring the high calorie, high sugar, high fat content of the cake, and high cholesterol, which has more lasting damage to the body than sugar on teeth which can be brushed regularly.

What a vile, nasty bitch. That's not rude, it's downright disgusting!

Please don't let these horrible people affect you :( yes you can lose weight but they will always be ugly on the inside. Poor kid too :(

Carribean
That sort of bollocks could be posted on 99% of mumsnet threads. Sparkly wanted to make a connection and be comforted by supportive people as is her right.

LaBella
Perhaps Sparkly is beautiful inside. This is what we should be teaching kids. Not about obesity to 8 yos. There is no right time to teach the average 8 yo about mental health battles and difficult relationships with food.

Thanks all for the lovely replies definitely good to know they are lovely people in the majority...that child definitely has goodness in her heart...she wasn't laughing or pointing she looked very embarrassed, her head was down and she wouldn't look at me 

@LaBella yes I know size 26-28 is "very big" although I know a size 30 -32 lady who is very fit compared to my size 14-16 friend who drives and has a sit down job (which is how my weight creeped up add a mixture of constantly being poor on a budget constantly as a child, being very happy in my relationship and my husband constantly saying I love your curves) as she walks everywhere it's not always about numbers.

Maybe she was a future MIL in training...

Wow, I see a few unpleasant people have popped up here too.

The point is: the OP is not a teachable moment, she’s a human being and decent people don’t behave that way.

OP, I had a Mum like that and I certainly do have lifelong food issues. I feel for the girl, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.

It saddens me that people present being fat as the worst thing you can be. I’d much rather be fat than be someone who thinks it’s okay to treat others like this.

Sparklyshoes, I'm really sorry that you were upset by these comments but quite honestly, that 'I know a 30-32 very fit lady' trope really does grate.

Also that patronising "but she'll always be ugly/a bitch" nonsense. Do you know that woman? A nasty and unnecessary comment for sure, but how does that make the woman 'ugly inside forever'? It sounds ridiculous and fake to me.

There's nothing wrong with being comfortable in your skin (if you are), but that normalising isn't doing anybody any favours. If I overdo it on the Wotsits or whatever else and don't keep myself in check then it's quite easy for me to be a stone adrift and think WTF did I do?

When you're carrying extra weight, you know about it, you can't lie to yourself. Irrespective of your husband 'loving your curves', if you were really ok with it, that woman's comments wouldn't have hurt you. Good on you for taking action, it's going to take as long as it does and that's fine. Ignore negative comments because as I said, they're made about all kinds of stuff, not just weight. Weight is just visible and people feel that they have a right to comment on it. They really don't. Fuck them.

FFS, fat people really are fair game, aren't we?

I was once buying chocolates as a gift and had picked up a box for a closer look. Some random bloke came up to me and asked if I knew they were very calorific. I told him he was bloody rude. He shuffled off. I'm quite proud I didn't punch him with my fat fist.

It doesn't matter what you're doing, what you're eating or not eating, buying or not buying - if you're existing in public while fat, some smug, self-satisfied wanker will always think they're superior and feel entitled to comment on your size.

OP

Oh that's so awful. Who the hell made her judge and jury?

Please take no notice, if you are wanting to loose weight that's fine but don't let nasty people bully you. I am sure that you are lovely as you are.

There is no place for anyone being so awful and I feel sorry for the poor little girl. Hopefully she'll grow up nothing like her horrible mum xx

I'm fond of this quotation:

if you were really ok with it, that woman's comments wouldn't have hurt you.

I call bullshit. Anyone would be hurt by being used as a cautionary tale this way; it’s a vile thing to do.

Lying-whilst one comment doesn't MAKE a person ugly on the inside, I really struggle to see how anyone who wasn't "ugly" would say something like that. Hurting someone else out of pure spite is vile, and the mother who made the comment deserves all of the condemnation she is getting.

That’s horrible. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be that needlessly cruel, and in front of their child too. I think the worst thing is that she spoke as if you were just an object standing there, not a person with real feelings that could be hurt like herself. At least the little girl was ashamed so it shows that the mother’s cruel behavior is learned not innate.

Man, what is it going to take for some people to learn to just be decent human beings?

It was an absolutely vile way to behave.

I hate any comments directed at me about personal appearance (even the (very) occasional nice one), I just don't think it's anyone else's concern. Whilst I brush off anything positive, any negative comments would really hurt me for a long time and have a real impact on how I felt about myself, even though I'd try and pretend the opposite.

No one should be judged by appearance, I'm sure you look absolutely lovely, and my gosh, I'd far rather spend time in the company of someone like you than the vile people you encountered in the supermarket earlier.

Oh my god! Some people!

I would love to think I'd employ a "I can lose the weight but you'll always be a horrible bitch" type response but like you, I would have felt awful. I'm so sorry.

Armadilo, I imagine it's because I don't think of people as 'ugly' themselves. They do ugly things, really horrible, nasty and spiteful things, definitely... and then they do other things that are the opposite.

No, that comment shouldn't have been made and people shouldn't judge. But they do. They always will. This board is choc-full of judgemental bollocks from people who would be outraged for the OP, forgetting the comments they themselves made/make. That's what I mean about ugliness, it's not imprinted on a person it's a behaviour that they can change just the same as weight/smoking/drinking/whatever can be changed.

OP has lots of support and she probably would have had people stick up for her if they'd been there too. I'm usually able to think of something cutting (but ten minutes too late).

SinkGirl my earlier post was about my mum being used - as you say - as a cautionary tale. She was stunned into silence - but then angry, not upset.

I've had comments about my boobs all my life, when I get them now I don't get upset, I just ignore, ignore, ignore. I think many women have been picked on and had nasty comments but what to do? You can challenge them but at the risk that they say something else (worse). I just ignore, raise an eyebrow if I can manage it.

The point is, people are bloody judgemental (but also hypocritical).

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I haven't called anyone ugly/Nasty bitch etc I just thought she was rude...and as others have said I am not her child's 'teaching' moment!

My friend who is a size 30-32 who has fluctuated from 24-32 over the years is a lot fitter (size 14-16 friends words too)...both friends did tough mudda last year and size 14-16 friend came second to last...size 30-32 friend came 3rd out of our group of 7 I came 5th (I am not a fan of dirt/mud but it was for charity)...no I am not happy with my size hence why I am slowly but surely making changes in my own way and eating in moderation as this time the weight is staying off I am doing it for me and my health I'm not going to deprive myself of cake and sweet things as that just makes me want it more I now just have things in moderation.

Peoples weight issues are for many many reasons and not just about eating my other friend recently discovered through blood tests and various other tests she has a blood disorder...no matter what she does she will not lose weight and keep it off she eats healthily but cannot get past being a size 18 she's accepted it...my other friend is a size 6-8 and no matter what she eats she can't put weight on again she has accepted it...

I just felt sorry for the little girl...hopefully she will have other people to influence her that not everything is about how you look.

@WyrdSisterWeatherwax

SparklyShoes, I know you didn't, I wasn't referring to you but to other posters. I should have made that clearer.

Regarding the 'teaching moment', it's not our call (unfortunately). People feel they have the right to say whatever they like because they have no brakes.

Believe me, I'm not judging you if you eat cakes or if you don't. I have a Wotsit problem that is beyond acceptable. You have the absolute right to eat what you want to eat and to modify that in any way you see fit - and nobody has the right to judge you/us but they'll do it anyway if their that way inclined. Weight isn't easy for me either, it's a very emotive subject for so many - and particularly women.

I suppose we could feel sorry for that little girl but we don't know what her life is like day to day. Perhaps she'd had a cake or two that week, or ice-creams or perhaps she's not allowed them... who knows? Her mum made a really nasty and pointed comment to you. Doesn't mean that she's not a good mum or that her daughter is disadvantaged or being set up for an eating disorder. I think that's a bit of hyperbole on this thread and maybe wishful thinking even.

Anyway, the way I see it is you're doing what you're doing and nobody else needs to poke their nose in and tell you that it's wrong or you should be doing x, y, z instead - just carry on regardless. That's what I do. I know that comment upset you but please, don't give it power to keep on upsetting you. I don't think that woman has given it a second thought... but you have. She doesn't deserve your thoughts.

For you though