To think this parent was incredibly rude?

[Sparklyshoes16]

Just got back from supermarket today as have friends and their children coming over later that we haven't seen for ages.

I was in the pudding section and picked up a selection box of patisserie cakes and was looking at something else to get so everyone could have a bit of choice! A girl aged around 8 was next to me and was very excited about all the cakes, she went over to her Mother (who was stood talking to another woman about 2 meters away) and asked if she could have the Victoria fresh cream sponge, her Mother then very loudly said "No go and put it back now is that what you want to look like when you're older?" At which point I looked up and over and all three were staring at me!...the girl put the cake back with her head down and went back to stand next to the trolley and looked away.

The two women kept looking at me exchanged sly grins and then carried on their conversation...now I know that I need to lose weight and I am doing so in my own time and happy with the amount I've lost so far my goal is a 14-16 (as that's the size I didn't feel so unfit) I'm currently a size 26-28...I've never felt so embarrassed and wanted the ground to open up...I've had much worse said but this really got to me the other thing that got to me was the girls face she looked incredibly sad when her Mum said that. I really don't understand the need for some people to comment on other people's size?

AIBU to think that parents need to be more careful about what they project onto their children and the Mother was incredibly rude?...I can see this little girl having a lifetime of food issues.

Something similar happened to me this weekend, been on a diet not lost much but enough to give me a confidence boost to take my DD(10) swimming at a holiday park - we've never been swimming as I'd been too embarassed, I bought a lovely swim dress and shorts to cover my legs for my benefit no one else's, had a fun hour with her in the pool with absolutely no one paying my size any attention, then the life guards changed over to two girls who proceeded to smirk at me (dd noticed) and each other n look away when I looked up at them. I was so embarrassed, this was a first step to regular exercise and they very nearly put me off, we're off to our local pool tomorrow and no doubt I'll have a panic attack before hand again but will show my Dd how strong I am and no nasty looks will stop me any more xx some people cant help being nasty pieces of work, hopefully that poor girl will grow up and realise how much of bad influence her mum is.

If I had witnessed this I would have splatted the Victoria sponge on her face retro clown style.

You can lose weight, that woman will always be an evil shrew.

I bet you make a better friend than her.

Lizzie48 While I am sympathetic, and sorry you've had a difficult relationship with food, you present one extreme of a spectrum.

The answer to this isn't to shoot to the other extreme and deny the link between obesogenic food and obesity.

We need to educate out DCs about food, and the awkward and emotive fact that overeating effectively ruins lives.

I'm not going to get involved in personal anecdotes, but it is all too easy for a person to distance themselves from their obesity by blaming childhood experiences.

While the causes of obesity are complex and intertwined, the fact remains that the only person with the power to maintain a normal weight is the individual themselves.

Bloody hell, Lizzie, that is horrendous. I'm so sorry to read that. Has your mother ever apologised to you for that or did it disappear into that special 'ether' of "It Never Happened". That makes me feel so sad.

You must be an extremely strong and determined woman to work from such a deficit to ensure that your daughters have healthy and positive relationships with food. I understand and I absolutely applaud you.

Overthinkingagain, Do you think that you would want to report those two? You're obviously strong enough to face their derision and do it anyway, but somebody else may not be. It sounds as if it was quite overt and pointed. How absolutely mean and utterly pointless.

I really think we have to challenge this when we see it. Everybody has opinions about everything but the minute those opinions turn into visible projections onto somebody else and impacts on them, it's not ok anymore and that is where the right to be nasty without challenge, ends.

I haven't done too badly with my DDs, though. They're both very slim (possibly too slim), love gymnastics and are are very fit. And I haven't needed to even mention anything to do with obesity. The only thing I need to worry about is their fussiness.

Obviously, it's easy with my 2 because they are naturally slim, and I can't really take any credit for it.

ManorGreyhound, if you've never experienced this kind of behaviour yourself then you won't understand how severely it can affect you. If you have experienced this then I'm surprised that you'd post that way to Lizzie as it was really quite dismissive.

Of course people are responsible as adults for their actions and behaviours but to determine that childhood impacts have little bearing in adulthood shows quite breathtaking lack of empathy or understanding, in my opinion.

She’d have had a proper mouthful from me. How incredibly rude and unnecessary. To stand there smugly smiling at you, too, just shows what a totally nasty bitch she was. No need!

I'd find that shocking behaviour from a bunch of 15-year-olds, let alone two grown women. What dreadful people - they clearly have no shame!

manners seem such an old fashioned idea - these kind of women tend to hang together in their coven - there are always these type of insecure women who need to sneer at other to prove how superior & perfect they are (not!) they are proper "Dorian Greys" no doubt they have pictures in their attics of what they really look like! Think on this - people whose whole life is based on their appearance rather than being happy & loving their family will grow old & they will hate it - you, on the other hand will have a family who love and appreciate you :)

Overthinking- you shouldn’t be embarrassed, you should be offended at their lack of professionalism. Report them.

Yes, educating your kids about eating well is good. Instilling a sense of fear in them is not good.

LyingWitch, I was to embarrassed at the time but sent an email to the site asking them to re-educate these two staff members, I'll never see them again anyway.
What I'm taking from this is there are far far more lovely people than hard nosed, OP I hope you don't let that woman take up any room in your mind.

OMG you poor thing. What horrible people.

My friends have just gone and loved the meal especially dessert selection I had half a choux bun...saving the rest for a treat tomorrow ...they were gobsmacked when I told them and their children 12 (boy) and 10 (girl)...the boy was saying there's so many issues in his year (more about being 'hench' and being like the boys on love island...the girl was saying people say "mean things like lard arse and she has fat thighs" she is stick thin and a healthy growing 10 year old that has healthy portions (my friend is a gp)...it really disturbs me children are worrying about their weight/appearance this way...of course healthy eating/hygiene I'm all for but there's a way to install those values and their parents are saying the same thing!...to those who are saying why post on here/you're hard to miss/but you're not healthy/you are big etc the way woman treated me today was not on (now I've had time around my husband and friends)! If you honestly think that type of behaviour is acceptable and to treat other people that way then perhaps you need to take a step back, think and recognise we are all human beings and have feelings...people can work things out in their own time they don't sneery/sly comments.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe thank you, you're very kind. No, my mum hasn't apologised, and she still feels entitled to make personal comments even now. The difference is, I can now avoid her if I need to.

There were so many other bad things that happened in my childhood, mostly at the hands of my abusive F, so I haven't brought this up. I think she'd deny any recollection of it, or put her own spin on it, which she does with everything that happened. (Tbf, I do believe that there was a lot she didn't know.)

I've just been very careful to handle things completely differently with my DDs.

...to determine that childhood impacts have little bearing in adulthood shows quite breathtaking lack of empathy or understanding, in my opinion

Except that isn't what I said...

Knock yourself out with that Strawman though

@Overthinkingagain that is appalling behaviour you should report them!

@Lizzie48  how awful and good you and your daughters they are incredibly lucky to have you and should be proud how you're raising them!

@ManorGreyhound my issues definitely started around childhood a lot of mouths to feed and not enough to go around sometimes my parents wouldn't eat to make sure we did! As soon as I got to my teens/twenties and earning enough I bought what I wanted and ate what I wanted at the time I was athletic and maintained my size 12 frame then I hit uni and crept upto size 20 by my third year...I was a poor student once left and met my husband I skimmed down but then it's crept back up slowly and surely over the years...match bullying at work=comfort eating...

It's easy to say it can't be linked and people are able to control but it really isn't that easy...everyone's circumstances are different.

That wasn't rude. It was uncouth.
I feel.sorry for her dd.
BTW. You can lose weight (if you want to that is. I mean not everyone yearns to be size 0.)
However she'll always be a cunt.

Thank you, OP, that means a lot.

Just because she was rude isn't a reason to spread dangerous lies like

• you can be fit and healthy at size 32
• you have a friend who won't get smaller than a size 18 no matter how little she eats
• you have a friend who's size 6 but eats a huge amount
• it's wrong to 'deprive yourself of cakes and sweets' if you need to lose weight

I wouldn't have commented on the original situation you described, but really, spreading these untruths doesn't do anyone any favours. And should be challenged if you start saying it on a public discussion forum.

LaBella

Her size is hard to miss? I don’t even clock the appearance of people

If this is genuinely true, you are provably one of the few people who don't. Most people (whether they admit it or not) would notice what someone looks like.

Op I hope you are okay, ignore the nasty comments.

I had a 'friend' say to me today it was lovely seeing me look so 'big and jolly rather than skinny and unhappy' like I was after dc1!
Dc2 is a few weeks old and I've put on 1.5st and am a size 12. Never felt so ashamed or gross.
Dh pointed out she's always insecure and those kind like to make themselves feel better by making others feel worse.

I hope you are okay, those women sound horrendous

@GorgonLondon my friend whose a size 30-32 is a darn site fitter than me and some of my other friends our words not hers...she did Mam tor a few weeks ago as a bonding exercise with her work and got up to the top a lot faster than some of her colleagues!

My other friend who struggles to put on weight really struggles...she's had this issue since she was a child...she eats a balanced diet etc but still nothing she has to have specialist shakes from the doctor to bulk her up...the one who is a size 18 has tried every diet going and exercised like a mad person for many years before realising she was doing herself no good and her self esteem was at zero, she was miserable! She is now a happy healthy sustaining size 18...mum to twins she was less healthy when dieting and obsessing over what she 'should be' than how it was making her miserable.

Of course eating 1 cream bun is better than eating 5...I am saying for me I've made small changes that I feel is healthy for me I would gorge on cakes sweets and biscuits my biggest downfall was eating a pack of biscuits with cups of tea...now I eat two biscuits with no sugar in my tea...like today I have had 1/2 a choux bun and saving the rest for tomorrow...In the old days I would have had 3/4 buns...it is not lies...I feel healthier in myself (I know of I deprive myself of something I will crave it life and eventually gorge that's why I have whatever it is in moderation (as advised by my gp ) to not deprive myself ...as I know the little changes I've made I've gone down from a 30-32 to a 26-28 and will eventually get to my goal not everyone is lucky for weight to just fall off...taking the stairs instead of the lift, Parking that bit further away, actually looking at what I'm eating and not just for the sake of it etc all small but easy changes I've made...my friend has started walking everywhere that's got her much fitter than she's ever been and she feels better in her self which I think is way more important!

Everyone has their own way of feeling fitter and better...what is dangerous is not doing anything about it...or people promoting the idea that to be healthy fit=being thin...my husbands friend is classed as overweight (Rugby player) but pure muscle...he is not 'thin' I would say equivalent to a woman's size 20 but he is one of the most physically fit people I know.

@WhyTheHeckMe how rude of your friend!! Your husband is completely right in what he said...I would think you look great for a size 12 (that's coming from the perspective of being a size 26-28) especially after having a baby but that's not the point as you know for you what size makes you feel great!

It just amazes me how some people see it as a right of passage to comment on other people's sizes/appearance particularly of their extra large or extra skinny...my size 6 friend constantly gets "let me take you home for a good meal love" or "is there a famine where you are?" She just looks like most of the time or 😢 but over the years learns to just smile and nod!

MrsJBaptiste

Obviously it's normal to notice what people look like. Speaking for myself, I do notice the people around me. I don't judge them, though, it's none of my business. Because I don't know what else is going on in their lives, e.g. MH issues, bereavement, thyroid problems.

Besides which, I have too much going on in my own life to give the people around me a second thought.