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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you deal with children's wanting and wanting and wanting?

142 replies

Pushpins40 · 25/07/2018 11:33

DS has total form for constantly asking for things. Has strong sense of injustice, so if he feels he's being denied, he'll add those things in too until you're literally screaming inside.

Today, despite a day of treats set up because it's first day of holidays...he has managed to still ask repeatedly for more things. Whether it's my time, more attention, things, stuff, doing other things.

I keep talking to him about it but it doesn't sink in. He's 8 and smart.

What do you do?

OP posts:
PipeDown1 · 25/07/2018 11:38

Be firm and say no. It's the only way!

dannydyerismydad · 25/07/2018 11:40

Pocket money.

If DS wants something I suggest he buys it with his own money. Funnily enough more often than not he decides he didn't want that thing as much as he thought he did.

TheFaerieQueene · 25/07/2018 11:40

Every time he asks for more, one of his organised treats is cancelled.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 25/07/2018 11:41

Oh god I've been wanting to start this thread for weeks!

My ds is exactly the same. He's only 4.8 so I make some allowances for age but it's becoming clear that he has a moany personality.

I find it very, very hard.

I consistently pull him up on it, asking him not to moan, but also point out all the wonderful things he's already had that day for example. I've been doing this for almost a year and as yet it's made no difference. I don't give into him.

I'm scared he's always going to be like this, to be honest. He's wonderful but utterly drains me.

BlankTimes · 25/07/2018 11:42

Set boundaries, be firm, make sure he understands no means no the first time you say it.

You've not meant no means no for eight years, you've let him see that no means pester me enough and I'll give in and you can have what you want.

Talk it through with him, ask him why he's never satisfied with what he's offered and afterwards when you've considered everything, then tell him things are going to change and explain why.

Pengggwn · 25/07/2018 11:42

I can sympathise with him asking for stuff, but time and attention aren't stuff. He is 8. Of course he wants your time and attention.

Flippetydip · 25/07/2018 11:43

I second pocket money, particularly whilst on holiday. We give a set amount (not very much usually!) and then they have to only spend what they have and they don't often ask for anything outside that. They will occasionally say "do I have to spend my own money" and if the answer is yes, they leave it!

Time/attention - I have nothing for you. My 9 year old is the same, regardless of how often we say "you do it". We keep on trying. I've managed to get them getting their own drinks now by saying ad infinitum "of course you can have a drink, you know where the glasses are, you know where the squash is, you know where the tap is". Good luck, it's pretty soul destroying.

TeaAndNoSympathy · 25/07/2018 11:45

I’m just firm and consistent. Our economic reality is that I simply cannot afford to buy stuff all the time. DCs (6 and 9) understand this. Today we’re at a soft play place because I had a half price voucher. We couldn’t afford it otherwise. Even so, it isn’t cheap. My DCs understand this is their entertainment for the day and that it’s pointless asking for more stuff.

If they desperately want something, they are free to spend their pocket money on it. They rarely opt for this option!

MsJacksonIfUrNasty · 25/07/2018 11:46

My 9 yr old is a want-er. The only way I have found to deal with it is by being absolutely hardcore with the first ‘No’.

E.g. ‘I am not buying sweets today, it’s not going to happen, and if you ask again there will be sweets at all for the rest of the week.’

It mostly works. Although she thinks I’m mean. Ach well.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 25/07/2018 11:52

Mild but firm boundaries. So if it's your time/attention and you are tired - "yes DS I will play one more card game with you, but then I am going to sit and read my book for an hour before it's time to make dinner". If it's stuff - a gentle "no, you can't go to the shop for sweets because you had an ice cream this morning and we can't have two lots of sweets in one day". Same with expensive activities - "we can EITHER go to the castle or we can go out for lunch today, but not both. Which would you rather do?" I try to manage expectations in advance so that they're not constantly pushing the boundaries to find out where those boundaries are. If you just have a genuine moaner then I sympathise, though - in that case I would be having a word about ingratitude when it comes to "stuff". If it's more about your time/attention then I would try to make sure that he knows how to amuse himself for some of the time so that you get a break, or suggesting organising a couple of playdates so it's not too relentless for you.

Mousefunky · 25/07/2018 12:04

Pocket money. Set an amount you can afford each week and set him tasks for the week that ensure he earns the money. I’m not saying make him spend a day cleaning Grin but just think of little daily things he can do to earn the money and make some of those behavioural targets. Dock money if he hugely misbehaves.

The money should give him a goal and sense of self worth, he can then spend his own money on the things he wants.

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 25/07/2018 14:20

Thanks all. Yes, firm boundaries. Also, some good tips here.

OP posts:
Honflyr · 25/07/2018 14:22

Show them real poverty. Show them where they could have had the misfortune to be born.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2018 14:23

Pocket money.

^This. It has taught DD to save up. It has taught her the value of things, whether they are 'worth' what they cost and it stops the pestering. A constant refrain is "can you buy me that?" "You have 50 left, it's 20, do you want it?" "Not that much" Grin

You have to let them buy utter shit though. If you step in they don't learn.

TeeBee · 25/07/2018 14:23

If he's smart, he'll understand the word no.

DasPepe · 25/07/2018 14:24

Set a day for treats. All other days “off”.

Not today. Not today. Not today.
Today.
Nothing else will work up to a certain age and constant treats just create monsters

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 25/07/2018 14:25

Very simple, explain why I am saying no, and keep my ground, I repeat I said no and do not enter into further explanations/negotiations. No, means no.

He knows I don’t give up to pestering so he only tries it once or twice and drops it.

You don’t need to change your child, it is you who have to change 🙂

haribosmarties · 25/07/2018 14:26

It is 'allowance' I really think thats the key. Dont buy anything except essentials and perhaps stuff that you are also getting (ie get them an ice cream if you yourself are getting one) Then give them an allowance each month or week with which they have to choose and buy their own treats. Then firmly stick to that. Gives them more self esteem and helps them learn to budget too.

MrsChollySawcutt · 25/07/2018 14:30

I don't really get this. Genuine question, what kinds of things are they asking for?

My DS never really asks for anything and never has. Getting him to say what he wants for his birthday and Xmas is hard enough. DD is a teen and has a weekly allowance and occasionally will ask for extra for clothes, make up etc but never in a whiney, everyone else has x way.

Am I just lucky?

haribosmarties · 25/07/2018 14:30

And I dont think the 'Show them poverty' thing actually works because kids ask for things because they want attention/love and if they have equated the spending of money with expressing love and attention then they will ask for more stuff the more insecure they feel... if you make them feel even worse by making them feel guilty for their circumstances it is is only likely to ramp up the asking for stuff behaviour not stop it.

Better to take you buying them 'treats' out of the equation completely by giving them their own money and never buying them treats. That way they wont equate getting stuff with you being a good mood or being happy with them etc it wont equal attention and love and so it wont be what they keep asking for.

M3lon · 25/07/2018 14:31

yep pocket money has in part fixed this for us too. It is so very much easier to say, yes you can buy that with your money if you want, than to constantly have to say no all the time.

WichBitchHarpyTerfThatsMe · 25/07/2018 14:32

By being firm and repeat, repeat, repeat! Mine was canny, didn't used to ask if they could have things but when! Sense of entitlement or what?!

OP just keep being firm, and the small amount of pocket money idea is a good one. It certainly helps them to work out how much they really want things. Also giving them a choice between 2 things, it helped mine to feel more in control.

Mine was a monster pesterer too to the point where I had to say, 'each time you pester me again about something that's been agreed or given a maybe, you move a step further away from getting'. It did work eventually. It's tough and you don't want to hear yourself repeatedly saying no to your kids but it's necessary.

Karrot · 25/07/2018 14:33

For us (DD aged 6), it's not stuff which costs money which is asked for so it's not an issue that can be solved with pocket money.

If I've said she can watch TV for half an hour then say it's time to turn it off, it's that she wants "just one more". Same goes for stories, even if I've read her loads!

If it's food, it's the same - not because she's particularly greedy and it's not the food per se, just that she has this "just one more" attitude about everything.

If I give her options, as suggested above, she gets wound up with herself because she doesn't know which to choose.

We do stick firmly to boundaries and she knows we won't budge, but that doesn't stop her doing it each and every time. It's exhausting and relentless. I feel your pain, OP!

Maelstrop · 25/07/2018 14:35

A day of treats? How many? Do you sometimes give in? You have to be utterly consistent, no means no, whining and crying about it will get nothing. Hard, but don’t cave.

SeaToSki · 25/07/2018 14:36

Line it up at the begining of the day for him, and then stick to ot

We are going to xyz. If you want to buy something, it will be from your pocket money. If you want a big item, we will add it to your birthday/xmas list. Before we go, you need to do your jobs (tidy room, unload dishwasher, bring washing down etc)

When we get home, we are all going to have our own quiet time for 1 hr, then I am cooking dinner and we can chat. After dinner we can all play together until x then it is bedtime.

Rinse and repeat every day until they get used to it. Then you can relax a little on the sergent major ness 😬