to ask how you deal with children's wanting and wanting and wanting?

[Pushpins40]

DS has total form for constantly asking for things. Has strong sense of injustice, so if he feels he's being denied, he'll add those things in too until you're literally screaming inside.

Today, despite a day of treats set up because it's first day of holidays...he has managed to still ask repeatedly for more things. Whether it's my time, more attention, things, stuff, doing other things.

I keep talking to him about it but it doesn't sink in. He's 8 and smart.

What do you do?

hasn’t spent a penny for 3 months

Blimey he must be bursting!

DD is 5 and is always pestering for stuff, attention and treats. Logical arguments simply do not wash ("No because you've had two ice lollies already today" is met with, "No I haven't!") Consequences for pestering seem to ramp UP the behaviour rather than curb it. At my wit's end. I'll give in to demands for attention more readily because I figure it's a child's right to ask, but sweets etc. I don't give in. Doesn't make it easier to deal with, though, and makes me feel like the meanest mother on Earth.

Pocket money worked really well for mine - they don't get much and have to save up to buy stuff. Given thwm a much clearer idea of the value of money (this is something that has to be learnt) and yes, their appetite for tat is far less when they're paying.

In terms of time/attention I find asking them to help out round the house if they "don't know what to do" works wonders. They do get some time and entertainment from me of course, but they are much better at entertaining themselves if the alternative is helping with the hoovering.

Pocket money, "we'll see", "maybe", and "not today" would be my suggestions.

Many things that kids want they lose interest in very quickly.

Thanks for starting this thread, op. I am in a similar position

Mine mainly either beg for sweet treats, or ask to go on an impossible outing (e.g. Legoland, now, at 4pm).
We often say "yes when X" or "I'll think about it" or "you just had Y".
So ice cream yes, after tea because we have some in the freezer.
Legoland maybe when we go on holiday but that's not for months is it? Lots of sleeps!
We can't go to the park because we just got back from the beach and I have to make tea.

hasn’t spent a penny for 3 months

Blimey he must be bursting!

You can crack your sarcasm out when your kid hasn't asked for anything for three months.

Lots of this (useful!) advice is for actual physical treats but like the book thief the thing I find hardest with my ds is just the constant general whinging.

If he asks for an actual thing, it's very easy for me to say 'we'll put it on the Christmas list' or 'not today' and he accepts that. It's fine.

The difficulty I find is having a child whose general personality seems to be one that is never happy. For example I have a day a week when younger ds is in nursery so I can spend 1-1 time with older ds. But the moment younger ds is back, older ds is moaning that I'm not spending any time with him. I have literally just spent all day with him!

We'll be coming back from the park, we'll decide that we'll do colouring when we get home. He will go on and on and on and on and on and on about how we are going to do colouring straight away. I explain that it won't be immediately that we get through the door, but that yes we will do colouring that afternoon. Cue moaning and general pestering about doing colouring straight away.

If he's thirsty, instead of asking for/getting more water, he will moan that he has no water.

It's just a general mindset where moaning is the default. It is so exhausting. I'm a firm, boundary led parent. I have no issue saying no, or letting him know how things are going to be etc, but it's the constant, completely constant, need to do this that I'm finding so draining.

I have quite hard boundaries, mine still ask for things all the time but they don't go on and on and on about the same thing. However, I have a friend whose children ask and ask and ask and then she gives in. I laughed (in a friendly way, there was no smugness or bad feeling, we all chose our breaking point on the tough bits of parenting and she's seen plenty of my weaknesses) when I first saw this and she looked a bit chagrinned and said without prompting that she "knew it was just making a rod for [her] own back".

But while I laughed at the time, in retrospect I'm not so sure hard boundaries are that great in the job of raising an adult. My friend's children are a lot more persistent than mine and, actually, that's not a bad trait to develop. I've been trying to give in a bit more often on the things they seem most keen on.

OP - I so understand. DD is not yet 5, so a bit different but I sometimes feel I plan a day of fun and treats and she has a strop because I won't buy her a lollipop or another fricking soft toy.

If my instinct is to say no, I do usually stick to it, but sometimes I just explain to her that she has hurt my feelings and that her behaviour is unkind. We're also working on a longer term thing about appreciating what you already have. No idea if this will have any long term impact!

I agree it's incredibly frustrating.

Some of the posts of this thread are so patronising.

OP, I have a 7 year old like this and it drives me crazy. He's been brought up the same as his older brother who was like the smug poster's kids, never asked for anything or on the rare occasion he did, he'd understand no, never asks for presents etc.

They are completely different and I have done the same things. My 7yr old seems to have been born with a sense of entitlement that no amount of 'no' is fixing. I stick to my word, remove privileges for pestering, expect him to do small things like keeping his room tidy, have clear rules and boundaries and it doesn't work.

I haven't tried pocket money because it's mostly things that are already in the house like screen time/treats/drinks/whatever but it's constant.
Today I'm going to try a new method for the holidays. I'm going to write down everything he's allowed today and cross them through as he has them. Let's see if that works.

Pengggwn

I can sympathise with him asking for stuff, but time and attention aren't stuff. He is 8. Of course he wants your time and attention.
being able to wait delayed gratification and waiting for ones turn is a skill do you think they can act like this at school or work

Your wrong I sure he gets attention but some children do want it so much to the point you can’t cook ect usually only children I have to say

You can’t have brought up your youngest the same as your oldest @Shitonthebloodything because you had the benefit of experience second time. And they’re different children.

The thing that stood out in the OP is that the kid isn’t just asking for stuff. He’s asking for time and attention. So it’s worth taking a step back and having a good think about it.

My DS is 8. He keeps asking for one particular game. I know why, it’s because his friends have it and he’s played it and loves it. However I don’t want it in my house and for him that’s an injustice. When he was younger he wanted a lot of toys etc, so we gave pocket money and that has helped massively. What also helps is actually being fair and consistent and really thinking about why we are saying no.

Ds still asks for stuff and throws out dramatic statements but that’s because he’s 8.

The things he actually loves Best are chilling at home with us and having simple days out eg beach/park/Woods. So we do those as much as possible.

I don't think a desire for things is necessarily bad. It can be a driving force to pursue interests, to work hard for things that we want.

My youngest is 7. She gets £5 a week pocket money. Quite a bit for a 7 year old but it's saving us money on what was starting to add up and means we say no less. Her pocket money includes her purchasing snack at school and what used to be McDonalds at a weekend. Snack was 50p - £1 a day and then a few pounds for the McDonald's. A weekly slushy or ice cream from the van was another £1.50.

She quickly converted to taking a refilable bottle of water and fruit from home for snack when she wants it. Generally, she'd rather have a ridiculously overpriced squishy toy than several McDonald's - now she has grasped its her either/ or choice. She loves making homemade squash ice lollies and push ups too.

It's not always easy. We spend a lot of time talking through the emotion of wanting things.

We take photos of things that she really, really, really wants and then when we're at home go through the images and delete the ones which the desire has passed for. It's like a year round rolling Christmas list. We sit on the bed after story some nights and go through the list talking about the good bits and reordering the photos so the best thing becomes top of the list. She likes DH and I to email each other things she really wants. She seams to get a big buz from us being enthusiastic about a game/ a squish/ a Pokemon plush.

We help her plan too. We think about the things coming up that she might want her money for like the playbarn sells sweets so should she take something to have so she can save her money.

No one solution is going to work for all. We have slightly more flexibility now, than I had as a single parent with my older two. Its not the easy ride I'd thought it would be. DC still need to be taught that concept of either/ or.

"waiting for ones turn is a skill do you think they can act like this at school or work"

Plenty of children come into school trying to monopolise the teacher's time and attention. They're the ones who think you need to know every thought that's running through their head, and that they are deserving of more attention than anyone else. They call you over constantly because they're stuck, and their hand is always up for the wrong reasons.

Within a few weeks they understand that it doesn't work like that. That there are times when other children need help or the teacher is busy, or it's an inappropriate time. They learn how to solve minor problems themselves, be patient and how to occupy themselves if they're bored.

It can be done. It's just boundaries, and consistency applied like a stuck record.

My youngest is like that. My son is to but he has autism so a bit more difficult anyway.

I have often said to dh that the more they have the more they want / nothing is ever good enough.

It is incredibly draining. Add in the fact that the youngest screams about it which then erupts ds. It is tough, very tough.

OP no suggestions, but I feel your pain.

Fwiw my eldest isnt really like that. Will ask but accepts no.

I wonder if place in the family makes a difference. So the older one who feels they lost attention /time from parent when the next one came along is more likely to pester. Or the younger one who feels their Big brother or sister gets better toys than them pesters for equality.
Though I think it's temperament too.
And treats for the first day of holidays is because you love them and want to give them a special happy time, unfortunately it doesn't always work out as you hope.

I don't think the school situation is the same. Humans conform to the society around them so if a class of 20 DCs are all reading quietly the new child will do the same. It's not just that teachers are better at setting boundaries than parents but it is also probably easier to discipline DCs that aren't your own, providing you have that authority. Less guilt.
Some teachers have badly behaved DCs.

Yes, I get a lot of 'they have x so I want it too' from my youngest.

She can't get that they didn't have what they have now at her age.(not just stuff, things they can do)

Both mine want stuff, all the time. It is wearing, but I am firm and no means no, even if that means I have to deal with a full blown tantrum in the middle of a shop. DH however buys them stuff all the time. I think that is part of the problem.

@graphista

I have to say, your approach is very similar to my mums and it has made me quite a content adult who can accept no for an answer. I try and do the same for my kids but am much softer with them and they whinge.

GeorgeIII

I don't think the school situation is the same. Humans conform to the society around them so if a class of 20 DCs are all reading quietly the new child will do the same.

you clearly have worked with children it dosent work like this if children are fussy eaters at home and are cooked 20 meals before settling on chicken nuggets they come into school and are fussy and don’t eat because everyone else in the canteen is eating if they are allowed to speak over adult they do this at school and don’t put their hand up because everyone else is

Sorry haven't RTFT.

Possibly there is limited scope for doing this yet, but over time you could think about ways of focusing his attention on other people and their needs. I think a certain proportion of the boredom and wanting is the result of being self-absorbed. That's natural for young kids, but in our fractured society we prolong it by a lack of community and by not allowing kids to make a meaningful contribution.

My teen has found this useful advice. She was suffering from general teen malaise and asked what I thought. She said she KNEW there was nothing seriously wrong with her life, but she couldn't seem to stop thinking about what she wanted and couldn't have. I suggested she do some voluntary work, involve herself with political causes which are important to her, and also just try to turn her attention to helping people more - phone an unhappy friend and offer to take them out, visit elderly neighbours, do something nice for her dad or auntie. It has made a difference.

My younger child also seems less materialistic since we have been talking about this stuff more. She has helped at a local food bank and watches documentaries about people who are struggling. Although nobody is standing over her saying, "See how good you have it?" she does tend to think about others' needs more than she used to, and that leaves her with less interest in obsessing over her own wants.

"Humans conform to the society around them "

I think you're certainly right, that it is easier to enforce boundaries in school, where they can see other children doing the right thing.

I disagree that it is necessarily easier to discipline kids that aren't your own. You have the advantage of being 'in authority' but your time is diluted so that there are fewer instructional opportunities, you are often challenged/undermined by parents and your hands are tied in many situations.

In any case the quote above applies - dc conform to the society around them. Whether that's their class or their home.

At home they should see parents and siblings saving or waiting for things, delaying gratification, amusing themselves in quiet moments, problem solving, taking pleasure in small and inexpensive things, being grateful.

We say no, as a last resort there’s s cricket bat 🤓

I agree with Twombly. I think wanting things is a state of mind, not related to actually wanting something.

I also agree with Haribosmarties (whom several people have disagreed with including the OP). I think her comments were very wise:
"Better to take you buying them 'treats' out of the equation completely... That way they wont equate getting stuff with you being a good mood or being happy with them etc it wont equal attention and love and so it wont be what they keep asking for."

I think it is a good idea to treat all consumer goods like food, so don't use toys and presents as rewards or bribes. We all know it's a bad idea to say "no pudding till you have eaten your broccoli" or "if you do your reading I will buy you and ice-cream". This turns food into a reward and a symbol of love and can set up an unhealthy relationship with food.

I think it is the same with toys, presents, extra clothes, etc. If we use them as treats and rewards we set up an unhealthy relationship with consumption in general. I think this is a big part of why in our society we spend money we don't have on things we don't genuinely want. On the other hand (like food treats) little presents can be fun and joyful, as long as they are occasional, spontaneous, and unpredictable.