to ask how you deal with children's wanting and wanting and wanting?

[Pushpins40]

DS has total form for constantly asking for things. Has strong sense of injustice, so if he feels he's being denied, he'll add those things in too until you're literally screaming inside.

Today, despite a day of treats set up because it's first day of holidays...he has managed to still ask repeatedly for more things. Whether it's my time, more attention, things, stuff, doing other things.

I keep talking to him about it but it doesn't sink in. He's 8 and smart.

What do you do?

My DS (8) was terrible. When he got an idea in his head of something he wanted, he went on and on about it morning and night until we had to give in. He is better now thankfully n understands we cannot afford it. But still has an obsessive personality. At the moment all he wants is football cards which are inexpensive but not ideal to buy a packet every time we go shopping.

Being firm helps but he is the world's worst sulker and occasionally takes out his frustration on DS2. Also, if we can we avoid taking him shopping. He makes out like he has done us a favour bu going with us and so deserves something

Also pocket money. If he wants something big he can buy it himself. He is very generous though and has said if I am ever short of money then to ask him

" think anyone who says ‘just say NO’ to your child, has been lucky enough to have a child who doesn’t keep asking."

I don't think this is true. I teach and dc who are clearly living in poverty, who have very little, don't ask for anything because they're used to the fact that they can't have things.

The dc who are constantly demanding stuff - because if they do it at home they do it everywhere - are the ones with every gadget under the sun. The ones who are given 'a day full of treats' because it's the first day of the holidays for example.

As pp said, it's learned behaviour and they can unlearn it but it'll get worse before it gets better imo.

And yes, pocket money helps. As a general rule, never give dc anything that they haven't earned in some way imo.

@alphabravo I don't give her options any more! I just mean if I try that way of dealing with it, as suggested by others, it doesn't work.

I agree with those saying it's in built - the idea it's learned behaviour doesn't make sense to me from my experience. My daughter was constantly saying "more , more" after anything she liked doing/eating from the age of 18 months! And neither her dad or I are like that. She's brilliant in every other way, but it is a tiring trait!

My DS and to a lesser degree my dd always asked for everything all the time when they were about that age.
Everything they saw on commercials on kids tv.
Any piece of plastic tat in the pound shop.
Food. When they'd just eaten.
Sweets. When they'd just had some. (Has asked for both when they were actually eating them.)
Toys in the toy shop
Treats at the supermarket
It was a constant and very draining. Even when they were told to stop asking or face consequences they'd just switch to something else.
Best one was DS sitting watching tv and saying "Mum I want.........something." Highlighting that he didn't actually want anything he'd just programmed himself to always ask for stuff.
They do grow out of it kind of Now they're adults they don't need to ask me for stuff as much

Ugh sawcutt.Smug as fuck.Yes you must be very lucky having perfect children

Why smug? My dc aren't perfect but I was thinking the same as Sawcutt. I have a 10 and an 8 year old and I can't relate to this at all.

I mean, yes, in a corner shop one of them will ask for a bag of skittles (or whatever)...but if it's a
'No, not today' they'll put it back.

In terms of 'stuff' - what is it they're asking for? Toys? Clothes? Mine just don't.

Maybe it's just because I have two boys that couldn't care less about toys or brands or what they look like and would even rather be taken to a field with a ball than go to a theme park

However, I think equating repeated asking for things with being 'smart' is odd. If they don't listen to a 'no' I equate that with whining and being a brat, not intelligence.

When he got an idea in his head of something he wanted, he went on and on about it morning and night until we had to give in

Had to give in? Christ.

There's no way to say this nicely but what the actual fuck? ^ That is like the the opening line to a book called 'Exactly how NOT to parent'

RainySeptember - was this really a necessary comment? It's rude and unfair. 'The ones who are given 'a day full of treats' because it's the first day of the holidays for example.'

You know nothng about me or how much money I have or spend on DS. Nothing. You dont know what my treats were. We don't have a house of gadgets. We don't lavish tons of money on him.

FatToni - if you can't relate to this thread, WHY ARE YOU HERE? What's the point of coming on to question me and my child if it's a million miles from your own experience.

My DD has started doing this over the past 6 months - she has just turned 4.

It would just be silly things - a sweet from the local shop but soon built up to wanting a toy/sweet/magazine every time we went shopping.

We started saying to her ' if you ask, you don't get. If you don't ask, you MAY get'. It took a few weeks but now she knows not to ask for anything, and if we decide to get her something anyway then it is a bonus :)

Having brought up a lot of children to adulthood who now thank me for not giving them carpets of sweets or having taken them to Mc Donald’s for takeaways the only thing you can do is stick to your principles.
When they say to me now how grateful they are that I looked after their teeth and set quite clear boundaries about behaviour, I then say “ but you gave me such a hard time “
They say...that was our job, Mum.
I like to be out and about listening to Parents say ‘ NO’

I'm sure you're a great parent op but you've given in to him once too often or given him too much stuff unprompted.

A kid given everything will be the one rolling his eyes and complaining about it or asking for more ime

What's the point of coming on to question me and my child if it's a million miles from your own experience

Ah...one of those 'I only want opinions that are exactly the same as mine, so that they validate my own approach' threads.

Gotcha 👍🏻 You crack on hunny.

" I think anyone who says ‘just say NO’ to your child, has been lucky enough to have a child who doesn’t keep asking." Absolutely not true. Dd definitely went through a phase of TRYING pester power around this age and it was very annoying and hard to stick to while feeling like I spent most of my time saying no - but I knew I had to stick to it.

Aside from anything else I'm a Lp I was working at the time but not on a great salary and I just couldn't afford the things her friends with 2 parents at home with 2 great salaries could.

I gave £2 in pocket money per week at that age. Maybe £3-5 now? Depending on your budget?

We use a few different tactics. For example, he'll have treats that he knows he's 'working towards' so if he asks we can say you know you're getting xx later. He also has his own money (from birthdays, etc) so we will say you can spend £xx then he weighs up how much he wants it.
As for activities/time/trips, at the start of the hols everyone does a wish list (including parents!). It includes a new skill; day trips; activities; visiting family/friends. Then we factor them in across the break. It means there's usually something to look forward to.

No, Fat toni. If you bothered to read back, you'll see i've been very self-deprecating about myself and have asked more about others approach.

It's when someone smug comes on here to ask why on earth i have imperfect children, when they don't, yet OFFER ME NOTHING PRODUCTIVE, i question their presence.

B

"RainySeptember - was this really a necessary comment? It's rude and unfair. 'The ones who are given 'a day full of treats' because it's the first day of the holidays for example."

You came on for advice op. I can say you're doing everything right if you like. It's not criticism because I don't know you, just an objective observation based on what you've said. I teach kids who get very little and are consequently grateful for what they do get. And I teach the kids who are given everything and they come in moaning about it being the wrong colour.

I'm obviously not doing everything right, Rainy! It's very very clear that I'm not.

I found making treats part of a routine worked. So sweets only for pudding at suppertime, comics only on Saturdays etc.

But op you're on here asking for advice, knowing that something isn't quite right and wanting to sort it out. That puts you miles ahead of the parents who keep chucking cash at the problem until their teenage kid is a spoilt monster. Use the holidays to sort it out and stand firm, worth it in the end.

I'm not smug in the slightest just because I can't relate to one aspect of parenting that you can

I asked what these dc are asking for over and over as I don't personally get it. I can't see an answer...so what is it? A walk to the park? A new ball? Toys? Sweets? Trainers? For mummy to get a red sports car instead of a blue one?

Whatever it is he's whining about will probably influence the replies you get.

I hope you have had a lovely day full of treats.

When DS asks for thimgs, what do,you do? Do,you give in, and let him have something? If so, maybe he has learnt that by continually asking, he will,get what he wants, boundaries is the answer all the way. Say No and stick to,it.

Pre-mix the squash and put it in a jug in the fridge.
Have a drawer with some foods in they have free access to.
Make sure toys and activities are both easily accessible AND not all out at once, so give them one box for each day, for example.
Whenever they express a wish to do something or want something write it down and put it on a rainy day list or scrunch up and put in a jar for ideas when they are bored.

If they want a drink, send them to the jug, if they want a snack, send the, to the drawer, if they want a toy send them to today’s box, if they want something else acknowledge it, and write it down even if you can’t do it today. If they are bored send them to the rainy day list or jar full of previously expressed desires to inspire them to do something.

And if they ask you a question, put down your own device or screen or activity, even if just for a moment, and give them your full, considered answer, with eye contact.

With my first child, I used to say no and then tell him off for being greedy (or smack him if he kept whining). With my second child, I would crouch down and hug him and say, "I know, it's so disappointing when you see lots of lovely things and you can't have them all. Which are your favourite 3 things? My favourites are this one, this one..." and turn it into a game.

I think the first day of the holidays we went to Sainsbury's for breakfast like we always do, then we did the shopping like we always do, then they slobbed around while I cooked.

Their treat every weekday through the holidays is going to holiday club, they've got a few days with my aunt, and DD's going camping for a week.

My 7yo gets £20 pocket money a month. It is indeed liberating to be able to answer ‘can I have...?’ with ‘yes, from your money’. So so often it turns out he doesn’t want it that much after all! We have GoHenry so he always has his money available and can see how much he has on his tablet.

He is not allowed to buy food though as he’d eat £20 worth of chocolate on his payday every month!

When we first started pocket money it would be burning a hole in his pocket the day he got it, and he’d blow it on tat immediately. However, he has now decided to save for something he really wants and hasn’t spent a penny for 3 months. I think it’s a good learning experience.