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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you deal with children's wanting and wanting and wanting?

142 replies

Pushpins40 · 25/07/2018 11:33

DS has total form for constantly asking for things. Has strong sense of injustice, so if he feels he's being denied, he'll add those things in too until you're literally screaming inside.

Today, despite a day of treats set up because it's first day of holidays...he has managed to still ask repeatedly for more things. Whether it's my time, more attention, things, stuff, doing other things.

I keep talking to him about it but it doesn't sink in. He's 8 and smart.

What do you do?

OP posts:
Graphista · 25/07/2018 14:36

I've a 17 yr old dd, not a perfect child not a perfect mum at all BUT no has ALWAYS meant no.

Other mums have noticed and made out like I'm too strict or that I have some weird magic touch, even her friends have commented at times (to newer friends who've suggested 'ah but she doesn't really mean it. If I keep on at my mum...' To be told by dd & friends 'nope - Graphista actually rarely says no (now more at the age you're at) but when she does she means it. And if dd asks again she's in trouble') minor sanctions are/were applied for pestering.

As dd has got older she has actually discussed various aspects of my parenting - doesn't/didn't like all of them, but says she did actually like this as she knew exactly where she stood and rather than dwelling on what I'd said no to, she moved on quickly and enjoyed other parts of that day/holiday etc

I do think it makes for a better parent/child relationship.

SeaToSki · 25/07/2018 14:38

Why the HECK does my auto correct think that ot is a word to replace IT with. arrrgg

Allyg1185 · 25/07/2018 14:39

My ds is 7 and exactly the same. My tips are the same as most. Firm no. Own pocket money saved up to get what he wants. Usually lost interest by then anyway and reminding of what he has already had etc

banivani · 25/07/2018 14:48

I open up a conversation about what it is that they want, reasoning that there is a strong emotion that's being expressed and they need to learn that it's ok to have strong emotions and how to talk about them (i.e. not demanding stuff, instead expressing what it is they're feeling and why).*

"I want to go to see X film!"
"yeah, it seems really good, doesn't it? My favourite character is probably Cartoon Carl, which one is yours?"
"Punctual Pete ... Amanda in my class has seen it and everyone else and I want to go too!"
"It's really popular, is it? I really like going to the cinema with you and spending time together, I think it's lovely. Do you like that too?"
"Yeah... we never go to the cinema!"
"No, we can't go right now because we can't afford it. It's a pity, but we're going to have to save it for a treat. Maybe we could save together you and I?"
"I want to go now, everyone has gone except me"
"I know, it can be tough to feel left out, can't it?"

And so on. Not foolproof but works better and gets me the result of building a better relationship with my kids, teaching them that I can be relied on to understand them, care about their interests and pay attention.

Adults talk a lot about stuff they'd want too, and our reaction then is not to say well you can't have a BMW! instead we say, yeah, that new model is lovely, what colours can you get it in? and we open a conversation. We don't assume their motivations straight off.

*within reason. I don't have unlimited patience ...

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 25/07/2018 14:48

There's lots of great stuff here but I found this a bit pompous and generalising haribosmarties:

because kids ask for things because they want attention/love and if they have equated the spending of money with expressing love and attention then they will ask for more stuff the more insecure they feel.

That's just so sweeping and in this case, absolute nonsense! DS gets SO MUCH OF OUR TIME. We are a very close knit unit who do lots together. It just happens to be a bit of a bottomless pit.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 25/07/2018 14:52

DS 7 is the same, drives me mad, I find that setting clear boundaries helps, for example we've just come out and the conversation before we went was 'you can go on the bouncy slide, or have an ice cream, not burg so you'll need to choose' I find if they have a clear idea of what's going to happen in advance, the mithering reduces, slightly!

crunchymint · 25/07/2018 14:52

Pocket money.
Tell him beginning of day about any treats he will have and say there will be no more however much he asks. Then stick to that.

User183737 · 25/07/2018 14:56

Ugh sawcutt
Smug as fuck
Yes you must be very lucky having perfect children Biscuit

BottleOfJameson · 25/07/2018 14:59

I think you should enable him to have the things he wants BUT by saving up for it out of pocket money, or waiting for a birthday (when he can have X things). I would be very clear at the beginning of the day what he can and can't have giving him as much choice as you can. (e.g. we're going out you can have an ice cream at the park or we can stop in a cafe for a drink you can choose one but not both) then be very firm in sticking to that.

MisguidedAngel · 25/07/2018 14:59

Too many treats = nothing is a treat. A day full of treats just because it's the first day of the holidays doesn't make much sense. The first day of the holidays is a treat in itself. Save the treats to eke out the time and give something to look forward to one or two weeks in the future. This teaches delayed gratification. You have to be prepared for them to think, and say, that you're horrid, mean etc. If you believe this is the best thing for them, teaching them skills, then you won't care. And as pp's have said - no must always mean no. As a mumsnetter you must know that No is a complete sentence!

RainySeptember · 25/07/2018 14:59

A bit like teaching a dog not to beg, you need to teach him that begging gets him absolutely nowhere.

Nobody will pour energy into asking for stuff if they are consistently ignored and get no reward whatsoever.

It doesn't help you now, but at some point this behaviour has paid dividends for him. He has got your attention or got something he asked for from you.

rightknockered · 25/07/2018 15:00

I just say no, constantly, gives me a headache. So after a bit I start ignoring or leave the room.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2018 15:00

It's learned behaviour, isn't it? So all you can do is help them 'unlearn it'. There's going to be some 'pushback' by DS, but just persist with "No". Try not to give too many reasons or excuses unless they're phrased in such a way as to prevent DS arguing with 'Yes, you can because....'. And as hard as it is, ignore or walk away from tantrums.

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 25/07/2018 15:04

"A day full of treats just because it's the first day of the holidays doesn't make much sense. The first day of the holidays is a treat in itself "

This is so true. EPIC parenting fail.

OP posts:
Enidblyton1 · 25/07/2018 15:05

Pocket money solved it for us too. It’s anazing how many times our DD decides she doesn’t need something after all!

I have two children and one has always been like your DS, always wanting more, more, more. The other one couldn’t care less and hardly asks for anything. They have been raised the same way, so must just be different personalities. The child who never asks for anything is a real people person and is happy as long as there is someone to play with. She is not great at entertaining herself when alone. The child who always wants ‘stuff’ is brilliant at playing alone in her own imaginary world with all her toys.

So whilst I can see how parents behaviour could exacerbate the situation, I think anyone who says ‘just say NO’ to your child, has been lucky enough to have a child who doesn’t keep asking.

AlphaBravo · 25/07/2018 15:05

@Karrot so stop giving her options for a while. Take the stress away for a short while and she'll eventually just choose naturally.

margaritasbythesea · 25/07/2018 15:07

I have one DC who wants and wants and another who finds it difficult to think of something they want for birthday and Christmas so I think it can be the luck of the draw rather than parenting. That said, when the child who doesn´t want does think of something it usually is too big or too expensive (last thing was a Bugaboo Shock), which has it´s own challenges.

If I give the other one pocket money it burns a hole in his pocket, so really I just have to be strict and say no. I do talk to him about why too, which I think is good and he gets better age (now 8). He is quite understanding now, although it can get very fraught for him in the moment. Poor little chap.

LBOCS2 · 25/07/2018 15:07

They just get a no. And if it continues, they get an "I don't speak whinge. Speak to me properly and we can have a discussion about it". To which the answer is still no.

DH is a lot more lenient about 'treats' than I am, and DD1 has worked that out. I spend more time with them though and they'd bankrupt me - plus I think it does them good to hear the word no periodically.

Having said all that, at the age of 5 I think that DD1 is old enough for pocket money so that might be something we implement this summer.

BevBrook · 25/07/2018 15:08

Mine was like that at eight. Whatever he had he would ask for more. I don't mean more of the same thing, I just mean if i said "we are going to x place" it would be "can we also do Y". Or having had an icecream would then ask for a milkshake, or sweets, a bit later on. He didn't ask in a whiny way but the very act of asking or saying he wanted something made me feel he was being ungrateful - to him though he was just asking if there was extra available and that didn't mean he wasn't happy with what he had. It's hard to get my head around though, and I did explain to him many times how it came across. He doesn't do it so much now, although still a bit. But rather than asking what he does now is just comes and silently hangs around me, until I have to ask him what he wants, and then he asks, which isn't really any better.

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 25/07/2018 15:08

EnidBlyton - frustratingly I have a mix of your DC. He loves stuff, loves playing with others! So he gets the stuff, but still wants to do things with us or others...

Thank you for acknowledging that there are children who just ask, ask, ask all the time irrelevant of how you parent.

I have said NO a lot. A lot. It's just a bit sad and relentless when you have to say it all the time to help manage expecations

OP posts:
continuallychargingmyphone · 25/07/2018 15:09

Yes margarita

And I personally find that children with some special needs have no off switch with the pestering Sad

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 25/07/2018 15:10

So pocket money over the summer - is this for sweets and stuff? How much do you give? is it weekly? Presumably if we go out somewhere that has admission costs, I pay. The pocket money is just for sweet treats and lego or whatever else he wants?

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 25/07/2018 15:11

Just make your "no" very low effort and boring.

Can I have a x?
No.
But why?
Because no.
X is getting one
Still no
We had one yesterday
Still no
It's not fair!
[silence]
But whyyyyyyy
Because no
etc

Feel free to give a proper explanation first time round but after that, basically you just want to make it as painless as possible for you to say no so that a) you don't cave and train them that repetitive asking works and b) you don't go round the bend repeating yourself.

margaritasbythesea · 25/07/2018 15:11

Ooo EnidBlyton - cross post. I think perhaps our children are clones of each other as I could have written the same thing about mine!

toomuchtooold · 25/07/2018 15:12

I mean, my kids know that repetitive asking doesn't work but they still do it, so you have to have a way of coping with that without going mental...

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