to ask how you deal with children's wanting and wanting and wanting?

[Pushpins40]

DS has total form for constantly asking for things. Has strong sense of injustice, so if he feels he's being denied, he'll add those things in too until you're literally screaming inside.

Today, despite a day of treats set up because it's first day of holidays...he has managed to still ask repeatedly for more things. Whether it's my time, more attention, things, stuff, doing other things.

I keep talking to him about it but it doesn't sink in. He's 8 and smart.

What do you do?

Mine used to whine for stuff when they were younger but had stopped by 8. Pocket money helps. Also perhaps a reward for no whining?

Wish I could afford to give my DC £20 each a month. That's putting away £10 a week. I have no money to put away.

I wasn’t suggesting everybody needed to be giving their kids twenty quid a month buttocks, just illustrating how we work pocket money as the OP was asking about it.

I only have 1 dc.

Perfectly, could you work out what you do already spend on them, the odd comic or ice cream, and give them that? Then you're not out of pocket but they're learning the value of money.

I completely ignore it, don't even engage. They soon know to pack it in.

I like doing 'no, because....' even if the reason is 'no, because I'm knackered' (guess who is pregnant!)

My vague hope is that they see that while I am in charge, I'm also reasonable and I don't say no to be mean, I say no for some kind of understandable reason.

I do think that (from observing friends' and relatives' children) that the pestering is related to eventual giving in. The kid I know who is worst for pestering has such a good handle on how to wear down his Mum, you can watch him doing it and he is 11, he bloody knows what he is doing!

FatToni glad someone else has the same questions as I do.

For the record OP, I wasn't being smug, I was asking a genuine question. What they are pestering for is surely relevant?

I always say....... i have already told you no once. This isnt going to change today. Ask me again on another day.

Dont ask me again today. The answer for the whole of today is no.

At the moment, they're not getting anything like that, as we can't afford it. I could give DS2 the money I spend on sweets for him, and the same for DD, I suppose.

I like banivanis approach.

We also make a list as a family of things we want to do over the summer (inc a meal out, treats etc) and choose somw togwther on the understanding we cant choose everything from the list.

I like the book "how to talk so kids can listen and listen so kids will talk." For ways to chat to them.

E.g. ‘I am not buying sweets today, it’s not going to happen, and if you ask again there will be sweets at all for the rest of the week.’
**

As long as you follow through it works in the end. Even on my hard done to DS.

They get birthday money and chistmas money - which does help sometimes getting them to use their own money.

I don't think pocket money at rate we can afford would work - as I tend to want older one to do stuff like go out with friends to cinerma or party of swimming trip things they weren't aware were coming up. TBF she's arranged a shopping trip with a friend for after her birthday when she's likley to have money from DGP.

"Wish I could afford to give my DC £20 each a month. That's putting away £10 a week. I have no money to put away." Erm it's actually approx £5 a week, or £4.61 if you're pernickety over 12 months/52 weeks a year calculations. But yes, not everyone can afford that, so you give them an amount you can afford.

Fwiw when I first decided to do pocket money for dd I was worried about the extra expense - it actually saved me money, I hadn't realised how much I was spending on her unnecessarily. Not out of her asking but working mum guilt I think.

perfectly I bet if you work out what you're spending now on treats & extras you'll be shocked!

She loved having pocket money and saving for larger items.

"I do think that (from observing friends' and relatives' children) that the pestering is related to eventual giving in" yes I've seen this too.

Sorry just twigged that you mean £20 a month is £10 a week for 2 DC - d'oh!

Do you always try to be the exception and say yes as much as you can? I had this philosophy when DS was younger and I thought it was reasonable and would create a happy child who was willing to listen when it was serious enough for me to say no - it actually ended up backfiring because what ended up happening was that what I saw as exceptions, he saw as the rule. So any time I said no, he felt that was unfair and unwarranted and would argue against it pointlessly.

Whereas if you say no at least 95% of the time that becomes the norm/rule - and the exceptions or times you say yes become special.

It is hard to change over though because of course you're restricting the rules rather than relaxing them and they notice.

and I dont think the 'Show them poverty' thing actually works because kids ask for things because they want attention/love and if they have equated the spending of money with expressing love and attention then they will ask for more stuff the more insecure they feel... if you make them feel even worse by making them feel guilty for their circumstances it is is only likely to ramp up the asking for stuff behaviour not stop it.

Most kids ask for stuff because they want stuff, not for a show of love (unless they have some emotional issues). Therefore, they need to learn how lucky they are.

I will consider a 'want' before I say no..If the answer is no, I say no and will probably say why...then I say I won't answer that question again.
Then if DC asks again they get no response.

I have a DD2 (8yo) who is constantly asking for things, time etc etc. I have found, like pp's, that a firm approach first time works well with an aside such as "No, don't ask again, if you ask me again then there will be ". We then follow through, every single time, on the consequence if she asks again.

Consequences we use are usually along the lines of no/reduced screen time, a slightly earlier bed time than normal or no/reduced pocket money. DH and I found it so difficult to deal with when DD2 started doing this, DD1 never did and still doesn't do this and will take a simple no as an answer first time. We also have to watch ourselves when we say things like, "maybe" or "we'll see" or "we might do" because DD2 often hears what she wants to hear which is a definite yes!

As well as having pocket money, let him see you handling real money, rather than paying for things electronically. Count out money and let him see exactly how many £20 notes have to be handed over in exchange for a week's shopping or a tankful of petrol.

Ask him what are the important things people need to survive - he'll know this will include shelter, water and heating, so tell him how much these actually cost, every single month. Point out that these things, plus taxes and things needed for school or be able to work need to be paid for first, and treats come last.

Show him how you save money towards the bigger things you want and have a trip out over the holidays to open a bank account for him so he can do the same.

I feel your pain OP, my DC3 is chronic whinger and it exhausts me.
The older 2 never did this so I too might have not been able to identify (or have mistakenly thought it was some how my parenting) before he came along, but I think some kids are just more prone to being negative and complaining.
And its not just material things so pocket money doesnt fix it for us, unfortunately he bloody moans & whines about EVERYTHING - he isn't allowed X, hasn't got Y, not long enough on the Xbox, doesn't want to do his chores etc etc etc.
He sadly seems to have a very negative bias despite me trying my hardest to show him the positives ie he came back from a friends party the other week and instead of being happy they had McDs and went to laser tag (both huge treats) he moaned his friend had a bigger house, a tv in his room and gets to play on his Xbox for longer!
I do find his constant negativity very wearing.

One thing that has helped curb his pestering/moaning is he is given 1 chance to ask, and me respond and then if he continues to badger I count 1-2-3 and by the 3rd time of pestering theres a consequence.
Trouble is he's a wily beggar and then says 'don't you care that I'm upset', 'you say I can tell you anything but now you are ignoring me' etc!!

I think consistency (& alcohol and ear plugs) are the only way to go. I just keep thinking that SURELY he will grow out of it soon.

All of the above advice is great. I read a great tip in a parenting book ( it was aimed at young ones): when they ask for something add it to a list. For young ones ( mine is 5) that's 90% of the battle done and they never mention it again but they feel they are being listened to. Then when you want to give a treat or it's birthdays or Christmas approaching, you can get out the list and see which ones they still want and they can have a few things ( not all) from the list.

DD asks constantly. Pocket money does definitely reduce it and it makes her think about what she actually wants. The answer to her is also not 'NO', it's 'Yes, if that's what you want to spend your money on / Yes, when you've saved up for it'.
She also asks constantly for other things eg can she wear her flip flops to school. The answer is no, but she seems to think that begging and whining will help (actually, I think she believes she is asking in a really sweet and persuasive voice). For this I reply gently with No, I give a few reasons, I sympathise with her disappointment and then stop engaging with the topic as it's going nowhere.

It's also worth thinking about whether you will say yes eventually. If you will, do it early as you don't want him to think he can wear you down until you give in.

'I like the book "how to talk so kids can listen and listen so kids will talk." For ways to chat to them.'

My tip is from the 'How to Talk to Little Kids so ..." book

It won't be a popular opinion, but I think kids learn by example and if you're generally happy with your lot and not hankering after things you can't have/afford, then they'll follow suit. I think even as adults a lot of us don't appreciate how much we're affected by advertising, peer pressure and the general sense of aspirationalism that pervades modern life. When your kids ask for things, do you tell them you can't afford them? Or do you tell them they don't need them/have a million things they haven't used yet/suggest non-material-based activities or pursuits? I think we are all more steeped in material dissatisfaction than we realise and it's hardly surprising our kids pick that habit up.

:) I found it is the single mist useful parenting book Ive read! I didnt realise there was a little kids one (now past that stage!)

I have a rule that once the moaning starts, even mildly, the answer is automatically NO. I even say now “see, now you’ve started complaining, you know the answe has to be no.” So if mine had started complaining and moaning for other stuff during a day of treats, the rest of the treats would have been cancelled, and I would have explained that at the beginning of the day and maybe given one warning. It’s pretty effective. Also if I have no intention of getting anything while we’re out, I say so before we leave the house!

I have a friend who always gives in after saying no multiple times, and her kid is an absolute bloody nightmare to look after and won’t take no for an answer which also leads to bullying other kids if child wants something other kid is playing with, it’s really unpleasant.

I’m starting pocket money for six yr old this summer so I don’t get the life pestered out of me on all the already pricey day trips we’re already going on.