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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to colleagues family funeral

129 replies

mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 21:16

I work in a company with around 15 people.

My colleagues father has died and has understandably taken time off. While she is away our line manager decided that we all could take Friday morning off to attend the funeral. One of my colleagues has known this lady for decades and will be going. There are another couple who socialise with her outside of work a lot and want to go.

I do not want to go to a complete strangers funeral. My colleague who I work closest with is also not keen. We want to go to the extended wake they are having after work to offer our sympathies to our colleague.

My line manager is shocked that I don't want to go to the funeral and has said we should all be going to support her. AIBU?

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 24/07/2018 21:18

No you’re not. I would go to the funeral of someone I didn’t know if it was a very close friend to support them, but not a colleague. Say you don’t think it’s appropriate to go the funeral but will go to the wake. Your colleague won’t miss you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2018 21:22

Very odd. Does your colleague want a bunch of people from work showing up? I’d hate that!

Can you offer to hold the fort at work while they’re out then pop to the wake after if you want to?

If your boss is shutting up shop then you have the day off and can’t be forced to do something you don’t want to.

ScreamingValenta · 24/07/2018 21:22

YANBU. I would think it very odd for colleagues to attend this funeral.

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/07/2018 21:23

We want to go to the extended wake they are having after work to offer our sympathies to our colleague.

You want to go to the after party but not the event ? Poor form.

sonjadog · 24/07/2018 21:24

I think you are right and your supervisor is wrong.

dinosaurkisses · 24/07/2018 21:25

Depends on the local culture I reckon- I’m in Northern Ireland and here it’s the done thing to go to funerals to support the living, not only because you knew the person who passed away.

DaphneFanshaw · 24/07/2018 21:25

This is batshit.
Dont go op.

DaphneFanshaw · 24/07/2018 21:26

Confused NewYear.

DesignStatement · 24/07/2018 21:26

You are right ~ it is odd for strangers to go to a funeral. Intrusive even.

biscuitmillionaire · 24/07/2018 21:26

That's utterly weird. I didn't expect even my best friend to come to my father's funeral, as she didn't know him.

Are you in the UK?

MissVanjie · 24/07/2018 21:27

it's a funeral not a spectator sport

yang

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 24/07/2018 21:27

I wouldn't go to any funeral at all, let alone that of a stranger. Your colleague won't even notice you there in all likelihood.

MissVanjie · 24/07/2018 21:27

yanbu even

Redglitter · 24/07/2018 21:27

I was really touched when some if my shift came to my Dad's funeral. They'd never met him but came to support me. It meant a lot.

I think refusing to go to the funeral but wanting to to the wake is really off though

Original poster
mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 21:27

I have keys to our office so I can easily work whilst they are away. I don't think I'll be the only one not going. It's just not a conversation you think you need to have.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/07/2018 21:28

Well someone needs to man the phones...

It is very weird to expect you to go Confused

AfterSchoolWorry · 24/07/2018 21:29

The wake? As in with the body laid out in the house? That's the part for intimate family and friends.

The funeral is the appropriate part for colleagues and acquaintances to go to. And of course you don't want to go. No one 'wants to go' to funerals, but it's a kindness to go and support your colleague.

onanothertrain · 24/07/2018 21:31

In my work a few would always go to the funeral of a colleague's close family member

RavenWings · 24/07/2018 21:31

Yabu, but then it's cultural here in Ireland for everyone to go to a funeral, or at least a wake. You go to support the living.

I'd have said going to a wake is fine but if you're based here or similar I'd see why people would think you cold hearted.

SassitudeandSparkle · 24/07/2018 21:32

There seems to be more of an expectation of this in Ireland - where are you, OP?

I'm assuming the wake is after the funeral, not the bit before in the house.

Original poster
mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 21:32

The wake is hardly a party. I don't know these people!

It seemed a compromise between being intrusive at the funeral and not showing any support on the day.

OP posts:
RavenWings · 24/07/2018 21:33

Mind you I am thinking that you mean wake as in when the body is laid out in a funeral parlour or house. If you meant the knees up after a funeral that would be off, yes

DaphneFanshaw · 24/07/2018 21:33

I don’t think popping into a wake to pass on condolences is off at all.
It is much less intrusive.

SlowlyShrinking · 24/07/2018 21:33

I would hate you forever if you were my colleague and turned up at a family member’s funeral if you didn’t know them tbh

Redglitter · 24/07/2018 21:33

I wouldn't say going to the funeral service is at all intrusive. It's supportive

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