To not want to go to colleagues family funeral

[mylittlehorse]

I work in a company with around 15 people.

My colleagues father has died and has understandably taken time off. While she is away our line manager decided that we all could take Friday morning off to attend the funeral. One of my colleagues has known this lady for decades and will be going. There are another couple who socialise with her outside of work a lot and want to go.

I do not want to go to a complete strangers funeral. My colleague who I work closest with is also not keen. We want to go to the extended wake they are having after work to offer our sympathies to our colleague.

My line manager is shocked that I don't want to go to the funeral and has said we should all be going to support her. AIBU?

How do people get time off work to go to all these funerals?

@treaclesoda it OK I have already been proved wrong! I should have said I have never heard of it. Not that it was not a tradition here.

How do people get time off work to go to all these funerals?

By booking leave

If you're not comfortable going & you don't know how she'd feel about you all trooping up don't go. There's really no right or wrong thing to do. Send her a nice card if you don't go. I'm sure she'll appreciate that.

Sorry Italian I didn't mean to look like I was piling on to criticise. It just took me so long to type my post that by the time I hit 'post' some other people had got there first. Apologies.

When my father died, the whole office (about 12 people) came. It actually meant a lot to me.

I've been to quite a few funerals of people I either hadn't met, or had only met a few time. I think funerals are about supporting the living.

That's just bizarre. I would have found it really odd if my work colleagues turned up at my father's funeral, even the ones I'm quite close to at work. The only exception might if any of them actually knew my father, which they don't.

This ^
I work as part of a fairly small Team, and we happily go out together when someone has a big birthday, etc. We all get on. We all ask about each other's families, share worries and celebrations about our dc, etc, but no-one goes to the funerals of their family members. If (and let's hope it never happens) one of us were widowed, then we probably would - because then you are going to support your colleague / friend, but you don't go to each other's parents funerals.

FrancisCrawford - I agree with you that people often live in quite protected bubbles and seem unaware that others do things differently, but it is fair to say that in the majority of the UK, it isn't usual to go to funerals of relatives of colleagues - it is just one step further than is our usual experience.
BrokenWing - I can't agree with that either. I'm relatively old, in MN terms, and I go to the same 'distance' of funerals as my parents would have. I go to more than my Grandparents would have, for all sorts of reasons both to do with how many people I know and associate with, and also better flexibility around work practices and also ability to travel. People aren't any less respectful now than they were a century ago.

@treaclesoda it's fine. It was very arrogant of me to say no UK tradition, I was completely wrong! It's just not really something I've heard of. I've always known the people whose funerals I attend but I do tend to go to more funerals than the average person. I seem to know a lot of people and a lot of people I know have died. I think it is my age, as I am getting older.

My sister went to the funeral of her friend's dad, she did know him a bit. It was a couple of years after own dad's funeral and she said she cried a lot and felt quite embarrassed as obviously she didn't know the deceased very well.

How do people get time off work to go to all these funerals?

I just say "I have a funeral to go to."

My Mum passed away suddenly recently.

Her work (local authority) full department closed for the day of her funeral so all could attend. She had been there since the councils reformed, approx 20 years.

Dad's work closed, small private carpenters business. 7 employees.

My boss and colleague (we are an office of 3) attended with boss's wife drafted in to take the calls.

I was blown away. As was Dad.

You don't always go to funerals for the dead, it's often to give support for the living.

I don't know the right or wrong answer to this one. But when my son died at 9 days old, a lot of my colleagues came to the funeral. I was touched and happy to have them there. Funerals are for the people left behind. Not for the deceased.
But these were people that I had shared my pregnancy with. And seen me through it day to day.
For the sake of a day then I would say it's a lovely gesture of support

It would never have occurred to me to go to the funeral of someone I didn't know, even if I knew a relative of theirs. I didn't realise how many people apparently do this!

I would not be comfortable with going to this funeral if I were you, and nor would I be too impressed with a manager trying to bulldoze me into it.

Personally, I think of funerals as for close family and friends, with perhaps a few work colleagues of the deceased if they were still working.

Uk funerals are so different then to Ireland

In Ireland hundreds of people go to the funeral (church) anyone who knows the family, regardless of whether they knew the person who died. It would be seen as extremely off to fail to show respects to a colleague by not going. Colleagues/ acquaintances wouldn't go to the actual burial though, that part would be for close family and friends.

As for the wake being the reception in the pub, well that's not what it is in Ireland. The wake here is where the person is laid out in an open coffin at home or in the funeral home and again only close family and friends and neighbors would go to that to hold a vigil with the body, often all night if at home. That's what I thought you were thinking of going to.

Anyway it seems funeral etiquette in the UK is different, someone mentioned only15 people at a funeral and others mentioned feeling out of place going off they didn't know the deceased. So please ignore my advice upthread!

I think you are NOT BU - however I think you have to suck it up and go because otherwise you will look really bad. If you are the only colleague not there it will be noticed - by the bereaved too I suppose. And you want to avoid causing any unnecessary hurt.

It is actually a bugbear of mine being asked to go to funerals of people I don't know. A casual friend has so far asked me to her sister's, her ex-dh's, and her mother's. With the ex-dh I said "but I wouldn't even go to my own ex-dh's!" but she said that it would mean so much to her if I went so I did. I had not met any of the deceased and I found it so strange and very awkward. At each funeral I saw a couple of other randoms who I vaguely knew and said "I didn't know you knew xyz" they gave me a long look and said "I didn't". We are all English and in England. I know she will ask me when her father dies and I will go, despite never having met him. I won't even mention to her when my parents die - because she has never met them!!!!

I feel that there is no way out if somebody specifically asks you to go to a funeral and I think it's really awkward. But a massive snub to not go is asked.

Having never organised a funeral I don't know what the protocol is - how do you let people know but not "invite" them. If I were to organise a funeral I would let close friends and family (of the deceased only) know but I really, really would not want neighbours, colleagues or the postman to share/witness my/our grief. In fact I genuinely think I would turn them away at the door as nosy CFs.

Where I live in the US, there is no inviting to be done. A funeral notice is usually included in the obituary which would be published in the paper, including the online edition. Word of mouth is also responsible for people finding out. The vast majority of funerals are held in churches which are open to everyone. Anyone who wants to come just comes, I think it's actually very similar to what happens in Ireland.

Well I have been threatening to have my mother stuffed and posed on the sofa for years (she loves the idea of keeping her beady eye on us forever). That's one way to avoid a funeral - although possibly not prison.

treaclesoda I get that people can just book leave (although in some jobs as you have to book leave many months in advance I assume it isn't that easy for them) I was just thinking that if, say in Ireland it is thought rude if you don't attend funerals of anyone you know, not just family or close friends, and now it appears relatives of colleagues too, how much leave do people have? As I assume, especially once you get to a certain age, you must be attending funerals quite regularly.

In my line of work you have to account for every minute of the day on a timesheet and it would be difficult to justify regular attendances at funerals, especially as I assume we are not usually talking 20 minutes service at the local crematorium. Also I thought most employers only allow 1 or 2 days compassionate leave for the death of your own parent, so I was wondering how people get time off work for attending the service for the parent of a colleague/distant acquaintance.

In offices I've been in in Ireland it has been normal for a sizable group of staff to take the morning off and go to a funeral - that being if the deceased was a relative of someone in the office. No leave needed to be taken. Same happened in schools that I have taught in, though obviously that one was a bit harder to manage.

And as for leave in the death of a parent, I got a week immediately and the offer of more time off if I needed.

And we don't invite people - often the strategy is to choose one or two people (say someone from a set of friends) who can put the word out. You'd be surprised how many people seem to find out from death notices and come along. I really like the culture around death here, it's not something to shy away from.

Even the worst employer I have worked for, who generally only allowed leave to be taken if booked months in advance, made exceptions for funerals. I'm in the UK so I get the same amount of leave as most people. It is generally just accepted that you either use some annual leave or take a half day unpaid, or make up the time later in the week or whatever. If going to a funeral during work hours you wouldn't be expected to attend the reception afterwards. And if you really really can't attend the funeral (eg you are a surgeon and an entire transplant team are relying on you) then you would call to the house the evening before and pay your respects at the wake. And if you were attending the funeral of an actual colleague, the company would usually not expect it to be taken out of your annual leave, they would just turn a blind eye to it.

I really like the culture around death here, it's not something to shy away from.

This is true in many parts of the US, too, especially the South. And truth be told, when it's the funeral of an old person who has had a long and good life, funerals and events surrounding them can be downright celebratory and even enjoyable. That was certainly my experience when my mother died several years ago at the age of 93.

it is fair to say that in the majority of the UK, it isn't usual to go to funerals of relatives of colleagues

Please provide your factual evidence for this.

The factual evidence is in workplaces up and down the country, every day of the year. Obviously people have time off for their own loved ones funerals, but it is not typical for factories, offices, building sites, universities, hospitals, fire stations, schools, shops, buses, demonlition sites, railways, bakeries, cafes, restaurants, cinemas, theatres, museums, sports grounds, leisure centres, and the 1001 other places people work, to all shut down every time any one person's relation has a funeral.

Yes, there will be exceptions - Pardalis being a case in point . I can remember one time when my dc's Primary school shut for the afternoon when sadly a young teacher lost their battle with cancer. Absolutely right and proper, but you wouldn't have the whole school close a couple of times every year because one or another staff member have lost a parent / grandparent / Aunt / sibling / etc. "Factually" it just doesn't happen.

I'm from a massive Irish family, and even I would think it odd to shut the whole office and insist everyone goes. By all means, tell colleagues they are welcome to attend if they want to and maybe a senior manager could turn up to represent the firm, but it shouldn't be compulsory.