To not want to go to colleagues family funeral

[mylittlehorse]

I work in a company with around 15 people.

My colleagues father has died and has understandably taken time off. While she is away our line manager decided that we all could take Friday morning off to attend the funeral. One of my colleagues has known this lady for decades and will be going. There are another couple who socialise with her outside of work a lot and want to go.

I do not want to go to a complete strangers funeral. My colleague who I work closest with is also not keen. We want to go to the extended wake they are having after work to offer our sympathies to our colleague.

My line manager is shocked that I don't want to go to the funeral and has said we should all be going to support her. AIBU?

That's just bizarre. I would have found it really odd if my work colleagues turned up at my father's funeral, even the ones I'm quite close to at work. The only exception might if any of them actually knew my father, which they don't.

OP, I assume there is no visitation before hand, as in the evening before? That is the only thing I would feel comfortable attending in this case.

Otherwise, I would stay away but send a card.

I think it's a cultural thing, I was at my uncle's funeral abroad, and was shocked that his grandsons entire classes came. It was like a school trip, they arrived, sat as a group and left afterwards. No one batted an eye lid.
Likewise I was at a funeral here last year, and the deceased DIL's siblings came over from Ireland for the funeral, they had probably met the deceased 3 or 4 times total. Which I understand is within quite normal.

I try not to go to funerals unless I am close to the deceased or one of their close relatives. There have been some funerals I haven't attended from the wider church community and people have raised an eyebrow but the idea of me going to them seemed bonkers.

I’m with NewYearNewMe18 - going to the wake, especially as refreshment is often provided by the bereaved, without going to the funeral is really off. I would think that was mightily bad form.

Making sure the funeral was well attended and there were familiar faces there, without having to speak to many of them (by nature of the event)? Much better. I have been to acquaintances’ funerals - mark of respect.

I wouldn’t find going the wake alone respectful in the slightest.

There are more appropriate work colleagues going, you needn't. The best thing you can do would be to send a card and/or flowers. You and the other colleague who doesn't want to attend should make it clear to your boss that you are happy to man the fort but not to go to the funeral. Everyone should be happy then.

I think it's wrong to attend a funeral or wake of someone you don't know.
Turning up at the wake is not showing sympathy, but bagging a free meal.

I wouldn't want work colleges who didn't know my loved one at a funeral or wake/gathering after. Its about remembering/honouring the person that has passed and you can't do that if you didn't know them, and I come from a family where funerals are big but still, I think your right. Personally I would stay away but send a card from those of you who don't feel it's appropriate to attend. Shows your support and respects but isn't intrusive. Those that know the colleague/family better can attend for support in the moment.

Misericord I don't think the OP wants to go to the wake, she just feels she needs to pay her respects. Personally, I would say a nice card would be sufficient.

I don't think anyone would go to a wake just for a free sandwich.

In the UK there is no tradition of simply going to someone's funeral because you know their relative. I would say it was pretty much unheard of.

I have been to many funerals of people I have never or only met a few times as I knew or worked with their relative. It is very much UK tradition to show your respects and give comfort at funerals if you know the bereaved. Sadly it is a tradition which is starting to become less common as society gets more selfish with their time, prioritises their own awkwardness, and cares less for others.

Were you invited to the funeral? I used to work for a small company with only around eight employees. When my colleague's husband died, her daughter visited the office to invite us to the funeral and let us know the dress code. A few years later, another colleague lost her husband and I think we were all told of the funeral arrangements by email.

On both occasions we all went to the funeral (except for one colleague who was abroad at the time). I had never met either colleague's husband, although some of the other staff members had.

I should perhaps add that I knew my colleagues well, but didn't socialise with them outside of work.

@BrokenWing

'I have been to many funerals of people I have never or only met a few times as I knew or worked with their relative. It is very much UK tradition to show your respects and give comfort at funerals if you know the bereaved. Sadly it is a tradition which is starting to become less common as society gets more selfish with their time, prioritises their own awkwardness, and cares less for others.'

OK I stand corrected if you have done it and you are in the UK, then there is evidence for it.

I have never heard of it, maybe I should have said that.

Don't get me wrong, showing care for someone who has been bereaved is very important to me. But attending a funeral is a different thing to me. I might still attend a funeral if I knew the person who was bereaved rather than the person who died, but I still think it is not something people are usually expected to do as they are in other countries.

Also, I get what you mean but I don't think not wanting to attend the funeral of a stranger is selfish.

I’m with you, BrokenWing - Id do the same.

Partly this may be influenced by my being a church singer for a long time. Hated to see a funeral with a small congregation, so would always want to swell it if I knew the bereaved moderately well or knew the deceased moderately well.

(Not in a weird intrusive way! ‘Moderately well’ would class a colleague in my small team of c.20 people for example)

@mylittlehorse I hope you work out what to do and I hope your colleague is OK. I've been to a lot of funerals and I am sure you will be supportive of her after when things quieten down because sometimes it takes a long time for the actual shock to really hit them. It took my mum almost a year for the shock of my father's death to really git her.

Oh - and don’t think it’s selfish not to go! Your reasons aren’t that you want a free afternoon to shop or have a piss up, you aren’t being selfish. I think your reasons show compassion. I just don’t agree with the reasoning! :)

You'd go to the funeral to support your colleague, not because you knew her dad. But I agree that it's bad form to go to the purvey (the tea and sandwiches afterwards) if you don't go to the funeral.

@Misericord and @BrokenWing I actually think it is very kind you want to go to funerals like this, it kind of restores my faith in human nature because I really didn't imagine it happened here.

I am not at all put off by funerals and have been to lots, but some people find them very difficult. Plus it feels funny to me the boss asking/telling them all to go.

Sending a representative of a firm to a funeral of an employee is one thing but to one of an employees father ?

I can understand if colleagues who socialised with the employee and therefore had some more personal connection wanted to go but suggesting that people who had no relationship the deceased, bar the fact that they spent 9-5 with their daughter, is very odd. I think it is bizarre for the OPs company to try and impose this.

I assume going to a colleague's relatives funeral would only apply if the funeral was local, people wouldn't be expected to travel miles to attend?

In the UK there is no tradition of simply going to someone's funeral because you know their relative. I would say it was pretty much unheard of.

Not in my part of the UK. It's very much the norm here. For the vast majority of funerals that I have been to, I have never met the deceased. I think here if none of your work colleagues came to your parents funeral most people would probably start looking for a new job as it would be viewed as a sign that your colleagues don't like you.

It's so personal. I would have been beyond horrified if my colleagues had turned up at my mother's funeral - for me it was for people who had known her, and the most important thing about the day was sharing our memories. But clearly other people feel very differently.

I’m in Scotland, this is fairly normal although personally I only go to funerals of close family and friends as I just can’t hack any more of them. I think it’s entirely up to the individual and completely unreasonable to have it forced on you.

Definitely not going to the wake to blag a meal. It isn't a meal anyway.

Having read all the responses I am reconsidering going to the pub. I would hate to be disrespectful to the family. I have only been to two funerals. My grandparents which were family only which was about 15 people so have no idea on the right thing to do in these situations.