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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to colleagues family funeral

129 replies

mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 21:16

I work in a company with around 15 people.

My colleagues father has died and has understandably taken time off. While she is away our line manager decided that we all could take Friday morning off to attend the funeral. One of my colleagues has known this lady for decades and will be going. There are another couple who socialise with her outside of work a lot and want to go.

I do not want to go to a complete strangers funeral. My colleague who I work closest with is also not keen. We want to go to the extended wake they are having after work to offer our sympathies to our colleague.

My line manager is shocked that I don't want to go to the funeral and has said we should all be going to support her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 21:34

Sorry the wake is in a local pub after the church service - yes I am in the UK. My colleague isn't Irish.

OP posts:
DaphneFanshaw · 24/07/2018 21:35

We’ve had people who have popped in to pass on condolences at a wake before, it’s not always been a party or a knees up. Just a few drinks and sandwiches after a sad day.

triwarrior · 24/07/2018 21:35

I think it would be s lovely gesture to show up and support your colleague. When my MIL died I was beyond touched to see a few of my coworkers there. It’s about supporting the living as much as mourning the dead. I actually remember an article that did the rounds on FB a while ago. Title was “show up to the funeral” or something like that. I think it’s odd that people consider it intrusive to go to a funeral, too.

BunsOfAnarchy · 24/07/2018 21:44

British indian person over here. I go to everyone and their grandmas funeral...but that's because we flippin invite them all to weddings and blessings and births and all sorts so really ita a cultural thing.....But colleagues who you're not all that close to who ...whos parent you prob aint met? Even i wouldn't bother going there!

elliejjtiny · 24/07/2018 21:44

@AfterSchoolWorry I think in this context the wake is after the funeral where you all go off to the pub or church hall and eat sandwiches and cake.

Seems odd to me to go to your colleague's father's funeral but I was surprised at some of the people who apologised for not being able to go to my Dad's funeral. I really wasn't expecting them to come. Having the in-laws there was really helpful though, they looked after the dc, took them to the toilet during the service etc.

3luckystars · 24/07/2018 21:46

Where about are you?
If you are in Ireland then I’d understand alright.

mummyretired · 24/07/2018 21:48

Another one coming on to say it's not on to go to the wake if you haven't been to the funeral. If you want to express condolences phone your colleague or send a card. The only exception would be for those people with a genuine and well-known phobia of funerals (IME always men who can't hold it together).

LeahJack · 24/07/2018 21:52

I think it’s probably better not to go at all, just send a sympathy card and present it to everyone as a favour you ‘holding the fort’.

I would skip the wake altogether because it might give the impression that you were keen to get out of work when it involved going for drinks, but not to pay respects at the boring bit.

Returnofthesmileybar · 24/07/2018 21:53

You see if you said you couldn't make the funeral for x, y, z reason but wanted to pay your respects then I would think go to the wake but there isn't a reason you can't go you just don't want to and for that reason I think not going to the funeral but going to the wake is a bit off

dinosaurkisses · 24/07/2018 21:55

My mind is blown by the difference between here and the UK, I never knew it was so stark!

Whenever there is a bereavement amongst staff in an office here there is always at least a close colleague and line manager that goes on behalf of the company to pay their respects.

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/07/2018 21:56

the wake is in a local pub after the church service

I'll say it again - arriving for the inevitable piss up and a bite to eat but not bothering with the funeral is appalling.

Original poster
mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 21:58

Yes I do see you point about going just to the wake. I would be going after work. I'll see how the rest of the week turns out and make a decision with those of us who aren't attending the funeral.
Thanks for all your responses

OP posts:
Redglitter · 24/07/2018 21:58

dinosaur The same happens in the UK too. Ive never heard of anyone in r/l think it intrusive to go to a funeral. In my experience there's always been some kind if representation from the immediate familys work.

DesignStatement · 24/07/2018 21:59

You are doing the right thing OP. Popping in briefly to the wake with a condolence card is enough. Your manager is going too far (if well intentioned) .. a funeral isn’t an office outing.

Original poster
mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 22:01

@redglitter there is representation from work. Line manager, friends for years and another couple who socialise with her are all going.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 24/07/2018 22:02

I don't think I'd object to going but I can't imagine I'd be welcome at a random colleague's family funeral. Unless you're a very close friend of your colleague or knew her father it seems weird.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 24/07/2018 22:04

When my dad died there were several people at the funeral that I didn't know and friends of mine that my father didn't know. I was touched by everyone who came whether they came because they knew him or because they wanted to support me. Everyone who came past and shook my hand helped me to feel stronger.

Laiste · 24/07/2018 22:04

I'll echo the majority - no. Don't go.

DH and i went to the funeral of the father of one of his distant friends once. It was to make up numbers. Friend specifically asked us. DH had met the man once, and that was awkward enough! Rest of the family were like: who the heck are you two? (they were odd people mind you)

Redglitter · 24/07/2018 22:05

mylittlehorse I realise that but I was replying to dinosaur

Moneypenny007 · 24/07/2018 22:05

I don't think yabu. Generally in here we have the wake before the funeral. It means people pay their respects without having then to go to the funeral.
Seems odd having the wake afterwards.

Miscella · 24/07/2018 22:08

Irish and totally normal here. However I know in the up it’s -odd- different.

Btw do you mean wake? A wake is before the funeral and where people can pay their respects but in the context of your post I’m not sure if you mean the wake or the reception after the funeral.

I think it would be fine to go to a wake but very strange to go to the reception after the funeral if you have not attended the funeral.

borlottibeans · 24/07/2018 22:08

Is there any reason to believe your colleague actually wants you all there? The long term friends, fine, but I emphatically would not want to be sharing my grief with people I work with and I would find their presence stressful rather than supportive. YA absolutely not BU.

Original poster
mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 22:10

I may be calling the after event the wrong this - sorry to confuse. We were told that there would be a gathering at the local pub after funeral to pay respects to family. I thought that was the wake Confused

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 24/07/2018 22:11

"I would hate you forever if you were my colleague and turned up at a family member’s funeral if you didn’t know them tbh"

Hate? Really? Why would you have such a strong reaction even if it's not in your habits?

Original poster
mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 22:13

It has come from the Line Manager, not my bereaved colleague. Bereaved colleague is a lovely woman - quite private, doesn't gossip and keeps herself to herself. Probs should have put this in my OP.

OP posts: