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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to colleagues family funeral

129 replies

mylittlehorse · 24/07/2018 21:16

I work in a company with around 15 people.

My colleagues father has died and has understandably taken time off. While she is away our line manager decided that we all could take Friday morning off to attend the funeral. One of my colleagues has known this lady for decades and will be going. There are another couple who socialise with her outside of work a lot and want to go.

I do not want to go to a complete strangers funeral. My colleague who I work closest with is also not keen. We want to go to the extended wake they are having after work to offer our sympathies to our colleague.

My line manager is shocked that I don't want to go to the funeral and has said we should all be going to support her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 24/07/2018 22:14

"We were told that there would be a gathering at the local pub after funeral to pay respects to family. I thought that was the wake confused"

Yes, that's definitely called a wake in the UK.

MaisyPops · 24/07/2018 22:15

I wouldn't go to any of it other than to call into thr gathering to pass on a condolances card after.
What do you say to people mourning someone you don't know for the duration of an event. It would feel awkward and disrespectful to me.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/07/2018 22:15

I used to live in a country where this was the done thing. One colleague even took his small son to the other colleague's father's funeral, which shocked me as I wouldn't have expected children under 12 at funerals unless they were family.

I always made an excuse about someone needing to answer the phone because I found it uncomfortable.

Redglitter · 24/07/2018 22:20

mylittlehorse I think it depends where you're from. We always refer to the reception afterwards as the wake too

SenecaFalls · 24/07/2018 22:22

I think it’s odd that people consider it intrusive to go to a funeral, too.

I agree, but I live in a culture (Southern US) where no one would ever think it odd to attend a funeral of the parent of a work colleague, even if you had never met the deceased. it would be considered a very kind thing to do, and in some cases, expected.

NeeChee · 24/07/2018 22:24

One of my colleagues lost her husband very suddenly a few years back, and we were all encouraged to go to the funeral to lend support. I declined because I didn't know her that well. I think it was good that quite a few people went though, she is a lovely person who didn't have much of a social circle outside her marriage.
I think though, I'd have gone to the entire thing, or nothing though. It's not like a wedding where you can just attend the gathering afterwards.

Redglitter · 24/07/2018 22:24

Going by the varied responses on here it might be an idea for someone at your work to contact the woman & ask what her thoughts are. I really appreciated my colleagues coming but there were 3 of them representing the shift. As I said it meant a lot that they came, however had the whole shift turned up it would have seemed a bit strange. A representation is nice.

BackforGood · 24/07/2018 22:31

YANBU to not want to / feel it is appropriate to go to the funeral.
YwouldBU to go to the pub after the service if you haven't been to the service. That is odd, in my experience.

Your manager is probably trying to be nice to enable anyone who wants to go, to get to the funeral, but it is very bizarre to expect people to go. I wouldn't go to a colleague's father's funeral - that's just odd.
I go to funerals of people I love, or sometimes if I love the closely bereaved, not people I've never met, or don't know, or have any relationship with. that's strange. If I'm not at work, and there is the funeral of someone I've known for decades through a group I'm part of (hobby or volunteering), or maybe a neighbour, I'd go, but still, not to someone I have no relationship with. Very odd expectation.

triwarrior · 24/07/2018 22:34

Seneca Yes, I’m the US too (Midwest).

borlottibeans · 24/07/2018 22:36

Bereaved colleague is a lovely woman - quite private, doesn't gossip and keeps herself to herself.

That answers it for me then OP - if she tends to be a private person I would be very surprised if she wanted her colleagues to see her cry. I am, and wouldn't.

Duck90 · 24/07/2018 22:36

I was pleased to see my team members at my dads funeral.

I would not be impressed if anyone felt they had to attend by the boss.

Attending the after reception without attending the funeral, in my experience, is unusual.

Usually work colleagues go back to work and the close people stay for the sandwiches.

Purpleartichoke · 24/07/2018 22:37

My experience is that the funeral is the bigger event and the after event is typically reserved for close family and friends. I’m sure this varies from group to group and family to family.

BrokenWing · 24/07/2018 22:38

Traditionally the wake was before the funeral and the purvey/reception after, but modern practice is to call the after funeral gathering a wake so don't worry about calling it that.

It is poor form to show up for the wake and not the funeral, it is more acceptable to go to the funeral service to support your colleague and slip away before the burial/wake. Don't feel pressured by your boss to go it is your choice, but it can be very comforting when you lose a parent to know people care enough to show their respects and acknowledge you are going through something incredibly difficult.

category12 · 24/07/2018 22:38

You don't go to the wake if you don't go to the funeral! That would be rude and grabby. If you can only go to part of a funeral day, it's the funeral part you go to, not the wake. Crikey.

bimbobaggins · 24/07/2018 22:40

I think it’s more strange that you want to go to the wake and not the actual funeral, if you don’t want to go then don’t go to anything.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/07/2018 22:42

"My experience is that the funeral is the bigger event and the after event is typically reserved for close family and friends. I’m sure this varies from group to group and family to family."

Yes, it varies, but it does sometimes happen that everyone goes to the service but only family (could include extended) go to the cemetery. In that case, the people who went to the actual burial would go to the wake.

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2018 22:45

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

Is it possible your boss is from a different place, some countries people go to a funeral for anyone at all because for them it is polite. If your boss is from somewhere else, why not just explain that for you funerals are very personal things and you would feel uncomfortable going to the funeral of someone you do not know.

FrancisCrawford · 24/07/2018 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenWing · 24/07/2018 22:48

if she tends to be a private person I would be very surprised if she wanted her colleagues to see her cry.

I would have said the same, and told my new team mates not to bother coming to my dad's funeral 4 years ago when they asked when it was, but they did come and I didn't give a toss I was crying, they disappeared straight after offering condolences after the service. I was and I am still very touched they came.

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2018 22:50

NewYearNewMe18

"I'll say it again - arriving for the inevitable piss up and a bite to eat but not bothering with the funeral is appalling."

I think that comment is appalling. It is very obvious the OP has no desire really to go to either the funeral or the Wake, which is not necessarily a piss up, but is wants to go to something to show her respects.

In the UK there is no tradition of simply going to someone's funeral because you know their relative. I would say it was pretty much unheard of.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/07/2018 22:54

the only times that I have seen this is when it is someone in the company that has died.

A factory that I worked at shutdown so that the friends of the man that had died could go to the funeral.

But they also asked the family first if it was ok.

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2018 22:56

If a colleague wished to come to my mum's funeral I would have felt touched, even though I would still find it a bit weird (to me). However, if I had found out that the boss had told everyone to come I would have been very unhappy.

My mother's funeral (and wake) was by invitation only.

The only people who came to the wake and not the funeral were children who did not want to come to the actual funeral. But that may be just us and not necessarily tradition.

bimbobaggins · 24/07/2018 22:57

I would disagree with that Italian. I have been funerals where I don’t know the deceased but I know the relatives, you are going to show your support to friend/relative that you know. I have been to friends parents funerals and I don’t know them, I’m showing support to my friends Definitely not unheard of.

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 24/07/2018 22:59

In my world, I would attend the funeral to show support for your colleague. I probably wouldn't go for the sandwiches after - just back to work.

Then, when you next speak to your bereaved colleague you can talk meaningfully about the tribute, the moving choice of music/readings, the turnout indicating how well he was regarded etc, in a supportive way. I am sure she will be touched.

I have never heard of anyone going just for the sandwiches and skipping the funeral, but plenty do it the other way round!!

Winebottle · 24/07/2018 22:59

Most important question: is your manager giving you time off for it or have you got to take it as leave?

Everyone has their own feelings about going to funerals so it is entirely down to the individual. If you would rather not go, don't.

The bereaved should not be offended by people turning up in good faith even if they think it is a bit weird.