To be surprised at how much bullying is treated as inevitable?

[Spaghettijumper]

On threads where, say, a boy is wearing 'girly' clothing or is in some way different, there seems to be a lot of responses saying 'he/she will be bullied' as though that's a good reason not to do it/not to allow the child to do it.

It surprises me - do people really live in such fear of other people's responses?

My son wears dresses and yes people make silly comments but there's no way I'd say he shouldn't wear dresses because of that - surely that's just teaching him that other people get to decide what he wears? He just brushes the comments off and over time no one even notices the dresses any more. The vast majority of people say absolutely nothing, or even compliment him on his dresses - there are a lot of kind and friendly people in the world!

In my experience, no matter what you do, someone will have a negative reaction/a nasty comment - if you live your life anticipating the negativity and trying to avoid it, there's a lot you'll miss out on.

AIBU to think the response to possible bullying isn't to go ahead and give the bullies what they want ahead of time (ie total conformity) but to develop the resilience to say 'yes you don't like what I do, but I really don't care'?

The point is at what age does a child have the maturity and k owledge so that you can be sure tstbwords will not damage him. That involves judgement and conversation. In my judgement 7 is borderline.

And it's not words from adults-it's words from peers. Who he will know for the next 10 years.

But someone could say something nasty to him about anything Bertrand. What's the solution to that one? Never allow him out without me?

I'm sure unkind words have more impact on people who have been trained to take them seriously from the 'conform or else' gang!

I mean does your self esteem go up or down when your parents tell you not to do something you want to do in case you get bullied?

I can tell you the answer from personal experience...it goes down....

If you are going to do something outside the social norms then you are more likely to attract unkind comment.

And I'm not saying tell him not to do it. I am saying to make sure he is fully aware. I find it extraordinary that anyone wouldn't.

Well, it's tricky isn't it. I know that my daughter is more likely to attract unwanted sexual attention if she wears a short skirt. But am I going to tell her not to wear it? Well, I might. But I wish I didn't have to. It's not her behaviour that's wrong.

There's a whole spectrum of colour shades between the black and white extremes of 'don't do anything in case people are mean' and 'just do exactly as you like when you like' OP, but hey, I suspect you know that already.

I don't think that's necessarily true Bertrand. When I was a teacher, years ago, the children who were bullied tended not to be the children who did things outside social norms - it tended to be the very meek children who always did everything they were told. Some kids could do anything at all and never attract a single comment because they were very confident and sure of themselves and then others would have to just step into the room and they'd get jeers and taunts. What separated them was not how they looked but their level of confidence, for the most part.

He is aware that people make comments Bertrand - we've talked about it. He gets it. He just doesn't see why he'd be that bothered about it.

There's a whole spectrum of colour shades between the black and white extremes of 'don't do anything in case people are mean' and 'just do exactly as you like when you like' OP, but hey, I suspect you know that already.

I do know that Elemental but I'm not sure what your point is?

Bottle
Shes 11 in year 7
Already judged a fat minger because she posted it. Where before it was 3-4 lads now its the whole year.
So yes its our business

OP it baffles me why you don’t understand the damage that teasing at school does. It sets people up for a lifetime of insecurity and self esteem issues. Sure, in a perfect world we would all be able to do whatever the hell we want but we aren’t in a perfect world so we have to take care of our kids in terms of damage limitation.

She obviously isn't a fat minger though User. And at no point should she accept that she is.

Is the school doing anything about it?

This is differing in how to deal with teasing though, rather than not recognising that it can cause issues. Some people feel that teaching your child to conform is the best approach, others feel that teaching them how to be resilient in the face of any teasing is a better approach. Some will be somewhere in the middle of those two positions.

'OP it baffles me why you don’t understand the damage that teasing at school does. It sets people up for a lifetime of insecurity and self esteem issues. Sure, in a perfect world we would all be able to do whatever the hell we want but we aren’t in a perfect world so we have to take care of our kids in terms of damage limitation.'

I do understand. But I don't see how telling your child to change helps them - surely that makes them feel that they are actually wrong and the bullies are right?

In one sense it feels almost as if a lot of people are happy for the vocal and gobby bullies to dictate what people are allowed to do - that everyone else has to be really careful and toe the line so as not to piss them off. How about saying 'shut up' to the gobby nobs?

She is where it matters-identity is grown from those around us. They have dpoken to them but the humiliation means she is a school refuser

No it doesn’t make the bullies right. But by sending your child in to school in tights and a skirt you are asking for trouble. And bullies don’t ‘shut up’ OP. Saying shut up doesn’t do shit. The words still hurt and it still gets under your skin. And they will carry on saying mean things.

You clearly never have been bullied otherwise there would be no need for this thread. You would KNOW how it works.

‘He chooses his own clothes’ is the ultimate in disingenuousness.

Can he read? I assume he can. He must have had a conversation with you about why the dresses were in ‘girls 4-10’ or why do few other boys wore dresses. Either that or he is exceptionally uncurious!

Most people want to fit in to their peer groups. It is a part of the tribal nature if being a Homo Sapiens. Of course there are the rare trendsetters and those who challenge orthodoxy but it is rare at 7.

He knows they're in the girls section larry - it doesn't bother him.

I haven't been bullied @GodivaEater - but people certainly tried. A lot. It just didn't work because I wasn't playing ball.

In fact one girl tried to bully me all through primary school without success then when we got to secondary tried again and then when that didn't work she moved on to my best friend. She really really regretted that. I'll tolerate a certain amount of noise around me and just ignore but it but go for my friends and you're toast.

Well good for you! Doesn’t mean it will be the same for him, does it?! How incredibly short sighted. Some people have a thick skin but a lot also don’t. That’s why bullying is renowned for being a problem in schools and why sadly teenagers sometimes self harm or attempt suicide.

Good luck with paying for all his therapy when he is older because mark my words he will need it. If he wants to wear a dress when he is older and knows how the world works then fine, more power to him. But 7 is a very vulnerable age and he has no idea what he is getting into.

Spaghetti,

So has he asked you why they were in the girls’ section? Or was he just entirely uninterested? If he did ask, what did you reply?

I think you are judging people who aren't as resilient as you. That's great if you don't care what people think about you or your child i admire you, but a lot of people get upset by people's words and actions (otherwise bullying wouldn't exist) and dont want there children to experience the pain and humiliation they did, that doesn't mean they are lesser people or bullies as you seem to be making out. Not wanting your child to be bullied so making decisions that you think will most minimise the chance of that is not shit parenting.

Again, it's a dress. He's "getting into" a garment made of material. Not drugs. Not sexting. Not grooming on the internet.

If bullying is the problem then how about tackling the bullies?