To ask for your best joke?

[JennaTools]

I'm in a really bad and sad place tonight, hit me with your best jokes!!

RubberBabyBuggyBumpers's joke reminds me of .

No jokes I'm afraid, just an earworm.

I caught up with an old friend a few weeks ago, she told me that she had been learning French off the radio. Just turn the knob right to the end, she said and there are French lessons being broadcast. That sounded good, so I said I'd give it a try.

I've been listening every day and I'm seeing her again tomorrow. Won't she be proud of me when I tell her "fssssssshhhhhhweeeooooo"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

The chicken.

How do you catch a polar bear?
Get some frozen peas and a saw. Cut a hole in the ice and scatter the peas around it, then hide and wait. When a polar bear comes along and stops for a pea - kick it in the ice-hole!

Why did the beautician get pregnant?
Because Max Factor

A variation ...

What made Elizabeth Arden?
Max Factor

I bought a new stick deodorant, and the instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'. Well, now I can hardly walk but every time I fart the room smells lovely!

What's the difference between an organist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Which is messier, netball or basketball?
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Basketball, because the players dribble, and netball players wear bibs, just in case.

*- So my friend was telling me that I don’t understand irony. Which is ironic, as we were both at a bus stop at the time!

• A man walks into a shop and asks if they have a potato clock. The clerk takes him to the grocery section, but the man shakes his head and asks for a potato clock. So they head up to homewares, but after a good look around, the man is still shaking his head and asking for a potato clock. So the patient clerk takes him to a computer and calls up the website, but the man still shakes his head at everything and asks for a potato clock. Eventually the clerk says, “i’m really sorry sir, I’m just not sure what you mean.”

“Well,” the man replies, “I’m starting a new job at 9am tomorrow, so the boss said I need to get a potato clock.”*

I don't get it?

Oh, actually, I think I do, "Up at 8 o clock"?

Little Freddie gets lost in the supermarket so he approaches the security guard. "Don't worry son, we'll find your mummy" says the kindly man "What's mummy like?".

"Gin and big cocks" says Little Freddie.

.

What do vegetarian cannibals eat?

Swedes

Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft

This thread needs #TornFromTheInside

Only HE can save us from mediocre humour (although some of the jokes on here are bloody funny! I'm on holiday tomorrow with DD + a mate, and I'm already planning on reading some of the better ones to them. There will be several I'll just be scrolling through, though)

nope, don't need a man to save us or the thread, which is doing perfectly fine

I agree usually , I'm proper independent and everything, but Torn is proper funny.

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit the frog's fingers

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A comma's a pause at the end of a clause whereas a cat has claws on the ends of its paws.

What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit...

And one from the Edinburgh festival a few years ago.
Hedgehogs? Why can't they just share the hedge?

Why did the devil only eat the centre of his pizzas.

Because he is the Anti-Crust.

This thread seems to be winding down naturally after 5 days, and I appreciate that everyone has a different sense of humour, but I would just like to say that my favourite so far has been the one from MalcolmsBrokenWalrusMoneybox with the following:

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean. We didn't call them that of course, we called them grandma and papapapapapapapapapapapa.

I had never heard that one before, and of course that does make a huge difference, but it just appeals to my type of humour.

I did actually laugh out loud upon first reading.

Ditto! I laughed out loud lots of times on this thread.

One more joke from me: My grandad has the heart of a lion and … A lifetime ban from the zoo.

I've only ever been able to consistently remember two jokes.....

Why do moths fly with their legs so far apart?

.....Have you ever seen the size of mothballs?

AND Why did the Malteser go to school? Because he wanted to be a Smartie

Maybe best in a Scottish accent

Four cows in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one wi the wee calf

Which is a pirate's favourite letter?

No.... 'Tis the C they love!

~~

How did bungalows get their name?

A father and son were building a house. All was going well, until they ran out of bricks having only completed the ground floor.

"Oh no, Dad - what are we going to do? We can't finish the house!"

"Don't worry son, it's fine. We'll just bung a low roof on it."

(sorry everyone!)

Another favourite I'm sure I got from mumsnet...

Sadly, the man who invented the double entendre has passed away. His wife took it hard.

A farmer sent his sheep dog out to bring in the sheep. When they were all safely tucked up in the pen the farmer says 'How many did you count?'. The sheepdog replies '100'. The farmer says 'That's odd, there were only 99 this morning'. 'Well' says the sheepdog, 'You asked me to round them up' !