To ask for your best joke?

[JennaTools]

I'm in a really bad and sad place tonight, hit me with your best jokes!!

Two dyslexics in a kitchen. One says “can you smell gas?” The other one replies “don’t be daft, I can’t even smell my own name!”

Shamelessly place making some of these are killers 😂

I sold my hoover on eBay. Well, it was just gathering dust...

A woodworm goes into a pub. Says to the person behind the counter 'Is the bartender here?'

What dya call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

A duck goes into a bar and asks for a packet of nuts
Bartender: Sorry we don't sell nuts here.
Duck: Hmmm ok, have you got any nuts?
Bartender: Sorry you must have misheard me, we don't sell nuts.
Duck: In that case have you got any nuts?
Bartender: We don't sell them.
Duck:... ok have you got any nuts?
Bartender: I don't know what your fucking problem is put we don't sell fucking nuts! FUCK OFF!
Duck: Ok, Ok Jesus no need to be rude, have you got... let me see mmm, any nuts?
Bartender if you ask me for nuts one more fuckin time I'm going to nail your beak to this bar.
Duck: Have you got any nails?
Bartender: NO I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKIMG NAILS!
Duck: Have you got any nuts?

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
.
.
.
A roamin' Catholic.

Ssssurvey
What do you call a three-legged donkey?
A wonkey!

And what do you call a one-eyed, three-legged donkey?
A winky wonky donkey

I'm terrible at jokes (as will be seen below)

What do you call a man with a log on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with three logs on his head:

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms or legs?

Bob

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Euripides.
Euripides who?
You rippa dese trousers, you menda dese trousers!

Employee rings boss and says he can't work today as he feels too ill, boss says 'when I feel like that I ask my wife for sex, try that., it always makes me feel better '

Employee rings back a bit later and says 'that was a good idea, I feel much better, by the way I like your house...'

What do dyslexic zombies eat?

Brians.

I so wanted to be a Ventriloquist when younger, but couldn't afford to buy a Dummy, so I tried to make one out of an old carpet.

It was Ruggish.

I was all on my own tonight, so decided to buy one of those ready meals from Tesco.

It said on the instructions "cook at 150 degrees".

I tried for ages, but it kept falling over.

Have you seen the film 'Constipation'?

...

....

....

No, it's not out yet.

A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's.....Why was he driving in the kitchen?

• I shall now return to my corner

Badbilly 😂😂😂

Did you hear about the bloke who went to a fancy dress party as a Premature Ejaculation?

He just came in his pants.

So, I've had that Laser Eye Surgery, and quite frankly, I'm disappointed.

I stared at a tin of beans for 15 minutes, and it didn't even get warm.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

I woke up this morning and was astonished to find that I weighed absolutely nothing.

I was like 0mg!

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet "How to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours".
Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.....

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

I don't trust the press. Sometimes they were those badges that say "Press" but when you do, they fall over, all surprised.

About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard.
After that, he went downhill very quickly.