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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for your best joke?

253 replies

JennaTools · 22/07/2018 22:11

I'm in a really bad and sad place tonight, hit me with your best jokes!!

OP posts:
Bossyboots88 · 24/07/2018 22:26

I bought a cheese grater today which once belonged to Saddam Hussein & Usama Bin Laden... It was the grater of two evils Grin

Badbilly · 24/07/2018 22:32

So, I was in the pub pop quiz, and I failed miserably. Couldn't tell Coke from Pepsi.

supersop60 · 24/07/2018 22:43

From DD - What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

MalcolmsBrokenWalrusMoneybox · 24/07/2018 22:43

Why does Edward Woodward have so many ds in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar.

What does Scrooge do when it's cold?
He sits round a candle.
What does Scrooge do when it's very cold?
He lights the candle.

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean. We didn't call them that of course, we called them grandma and papapapapapapapapapapapa.

supersop60 · 24/07/2018 22:44

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I've got amnesia!
Doctor: How long have you had it?
Patient: Had what?

Badbilly · 24/07/2018 22:52

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean. We didn't call them that of course, we called them grandma and papapapapapapapapapapapa.

Excellent-I will be using that one!

MrsBodger · 24/07/2018 22:53

What do you do with a wombat?

Play wom.

MalcolmsBrokenWalrusMoneybox · 24/07/2018 22:55

A lorry crashed into a student house this morning causing £5,000 worth of improvements.

InsomniacAnonymous · 24/07/2018 22:57

I love that one MrsBodger Grin
Wanna play wom now.

Dragonfree · 24/07/2018 23:01

This is my favourite....

How many Freudian therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb the other to hold the penis ladder. I meant ladder.

AlessandroVasectomi · 24/07/2018 23:08

I came over all emotional at the petrol station this morning. I just kept filling up.

TheClitterati · 24/07/2018 23:15

What do you do with a space man?
Park man!

Old joke - when does Saddam
Hussain eat his lunch?

When Tariq Aziz.

Oldsu · 25/07/2018 00:08

A vicar needed his church steeple painted so got a few quotes, he was surprised that one quote was a lot cheaper than the others so chose that one, what he didn't know was that the painter was a cowboy and regularly thinned the paint to make it go further.

The painter dod his usual trick of thinning the paint, painted the steeple and as he got to the top the heavens opened and the rian washed all the paint off.

So he did it again, thinned the paint, painted the steeple and again the heavens opened and the rain washed the paint off.

The third time he got to the top of the steeple and the heavens opened, a bolt of lightening hit him and he fell of the ladder and as he lay on the floor the rain came down and washed the paint off.

He cried out in desperation, oh God why are you doing this what can I do to make you stop.

A voice from above cried - repaint ,repaint and thin no more

Notasyoungasiwas · 25/07/2018 00:35

What did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!!Grin

Notasyoungasiwas · 25/07/2018 00:36

WHY!!!!!
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff????

Deadringer · 25/07/2018 00:37

My husband got a job in a chip shop but he got sacked after a few days. He wouldn't tell me why so I went to see the owner.
'Why did you sack my husband?'

'His very first day he put his penis in the potato peeler, I told him never to do that again. The second day, he again put his penis in the potato peeler. I gave him one last chance, but yesterday he put his penis in the potato peeler again so I sacked him.'

'That doesn't sound like my husband at all, can I see this potato peeler?'

'No, I sacked her too!'

Kidneypain · 25/07/2018 00:44

Why can’t you tell when a pterodactyl goes to the loo?

BecAuse the P is silent

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/07/2018 01:33

*Old joke - when does Saddam
Hussain eat his lunch?

When Tariq Aziz.*

Where did Saddam store his CDS?

In Iraq.

Getting my coat now as I type....

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/07/2018 01:34

Bold fail and random capital S for the plural of CD.

That REALLY wasn't worth it at all....

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/07/2018 01:41

I saw a brand new, shiny silver, 80" HD 4K TV for sale in Curry's for only £50.

I asked the assistant why it was so very cheap and she told me there was an unrepairable problem with the volume knob, which was stuck on the loudest setting.

Even so, I thought: for that price, I absolutely couldn't turn it down.

GravyMilkshake · 25/07/2018 01:50

Why does it take 2 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK???? 😡

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/07/2018 01:54

Donald Trump was walking across a wide expanse of solid, thick ice in Alaska, hoping to try his hand at a bit of angling. He'd brought his rod, bait, camping chair and a tough battery-powered saw, so he cut a big hole in the ice, sat down next to it and lowered his rod in hopefully.

Two minutes later, he heard a loud, booming voice from above saying "You must not fish there. I can guarantee that you will not catch anything there at all. You must pack up and leave immediately!"

He was absolutely terrified and stood there shaking, whimpering "Is that You, God?"

The reply came: "No, you idiot - it's the duty-manager of the Skating Fun World ice rink!"

HelveticaNeue · 25/07/2018 02:12

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile Smile

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/07/2018 02:24

There are three candidates for a front-line job in the SAS - a woman with PMT and two huge, muscular men. The recruiter leads them along a corridor towards a dark, dank, windowless room. He tells them that, when they enter the room, they will find their spouse in the centre, tied to a wooden chair, and a loaded pistol next to the door.

He tells them, "If you're elite enough to make the grade, you must demonstrate absolute loyalty to the SAS and to nobody and nothing else whatsoever. If you want this job, you will prove it by shooting your spouse dead."

The first man goes in, closes the door and sees his beloved wife sitting there, tied to the chair. He starts crying at the very thought of it and immediately unties her. As they both walk out of the room, the recruiter gives him a disgusted look and pushes him towards the exit.

The second man goes in, shuts the door, turns to look straight at the pistol and picks it up. He grips the handle, pauses for a moment and looks to the side to see his wife sitting there. He thinks just how much he'd love the job, and how his mates would taunt him forever if he quit at this stage, but he fixes his gaze on her - his beautiful partner and mother of their lovely children - and he too starts to sob, throws the gun down, unties her and they both leave, to the withering look of the recruiter, holding open the exit door.

The woman goes in, slams the door shut, grabs the pistol and looks across at her husband sitting there. She thinks about all that he means to her, what he brings to her life, all the years they've lived together.

The recruiter is standing outside in the corridor and almost immediately hears a repeated clicking sound. Then, he hears the ropes being untied before an almighty repeated crashing sound and blood-curdling screams until.... silence again.

The woman leaves the room, hands the pistol to the panicked-looking recruiter and glares at him with a cat's-bum mouth. Before he gets a chance to ask whatever has gone wrong, she says, "Call yourself one of the elite? That stupid pistol you left for me was just full of blanks. I had no other option but to beat the pathetic * to death with the chair!"

librarypictures · 25/07/2018 03:07

Why did the beautician get pregnant?
Because Max Factor

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