To ask for your best joke?

[JennaTools]

I'm in a really bad and sad place tonight, hit me with your best jokes!!

A hearse goes into a bar. The barman says 'alright mate, why the long car?'

How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, but they will set up a support group called coping with darkness

There are three types of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can’t.

*This thread seems to be winding down naturally after 5 days, and I appreciate that everyone has a different sense of humour, but I would just like to say that my favourite so far has been the one from MalcolmsBrokenWalrusMoneybox with the following:

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean. We didn't call them that of course, we called them grandma and papapapapapapapapapapapa.

I had never heard that one before, and of course that does make a huge difference, but it just appeals to my type of humour.

I did actually laugh out loud upon first reading.*

I don't get that one?

You have to be of a certain age, Kitty!

@73kittycat73 - that is bloody brilliant!

Apologies it was @Badbilly !

@bellinisurge I think it was first posted by @MalcolmsBrokenWalrusMoneybox then quoted by @Badbilly and @73kittycat73 - but it certainly bears repetition because as you say, it's brilliant .

Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths
Blacksmith: "Are you any good at shoeing horses?"
I said: "No but I once told a Donkey to fuck off"

I took my daughter to the zoo & she saw two monkeys having sex.
"What are the monkeys doing" she asked.
"The male monkey is stopping the female from feeling lonely" I said.
"Uncle Dave's really nice, keeping mum from being lonely all day, while you're at work then" she replied.

@masktaster elephants come down from trees by sitting on a leaf and waiting for autumn.
So why do beavers have flat tails?
They like to go for walks in the forrest in the autumn.

How does an elephant get up into a tree?
It hides inside a nut and waits for a squirrel.

Why is it dangerous to walk in the forrest between 2 and 4 pm?
That is when the elephants are practising parachut jumping.

How does an elephant hide?
It paints the soles of its feets yellow and lies down on its back in an omelette.

How do you know your elephant is hiding under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

And apologies for this one:
How do you know you elephant has its period?
Your madras is gone!

How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The free market forces will take care of it.

How many finns does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to hold onto the light bulb and four to drink so much that the room starts turning around.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
One but the light bulb must really want to change.

How many danes does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to hold onto the light bulb and two to turn the ladder.

How many germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient and have no sense of humour.

How many women with pms does it take to change a light bulb?
AAAARGH! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish!

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So that they can hide in cherry trees.

What is the loudest sound in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.

What would you do if a herd of elephants were charging over a hill towards you?
Run.
What do you do if a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses were charging over the hills towards you?
Nothing,you don't recognise them.

Following from the other elephant joke...How can you tell if there are elephants in your fridge?
Because there is a mini parked outside.

What has 2 legs and flies?
A pair of trousers.
What has 4 legs and flies?
A dead horse.

What is beautiful,grey and wears glass slippers?
Cinderellaphant.

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? She was a small medium at large.

The good thing about my addiction to drinking brake fluids is that I can stop whenever I want.

I didn't think I'd be able to put up a fence with only wood glue, but I nailed it.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone... and then it dawned on me.

(related:) I was trying to figure out why the ball seemed to be getting bigger - and then it hit me.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with an octopus?

A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Council and immediate cessation of funding.

My daughter's favourite;

What do you get if you cross an elephant with peanut butter?

Either peanut butter that never forgets, or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Next
Wit
Thank y

I just came across this and immediately thought of this thread. Be warned, it's truly awful. Cut and pasted from a US website.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that she will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says........."

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you?!!)

whats brown and sits steaming on the piano?

beethoven's last movement

Why shouldnt you buy Russian underpants?

Because chernobyl fallout.

My fucking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Luckily for him I was still up, playing my drums…

Two nuns are late getting back to the convent so they have to climb over the wall to get in.
Sitting on the wall, one nun says to the other:
“I feel like a commando!”
“So do I,” says the other, “ but where would we find two commandos at this time of night?”

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

With jam in, with jam in, with jam in, with jam in, hope you like jam in too.

How do you spot a dyslexic Yorkshireman?

He's the one with a cat flap on his head

And one more to add to the Sadam Hussain pile...

What does Sadam Hussain's son say to him before he leaves the house?

Don't forget your Baghdad!

Why was the computer cold?
Because it didn't close its Windows

OK - a medical one.
A clinician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist go duck hunting. They are crouched in the hide when they hear the swish of wings and quack, quack, quack.
The clinician looks out and says "well it looks like a duck, it flies like a duck, and it sounds like a duck but IS it a duck ?
The psychiatrist peeps out and says "it looks like a ......etc. flies... etc. and sounds like a duck but does it WANT to be a duck ?
At this point the surgeon jumps up, downs the duck, storms out of the hide, grabs it, stomps back in, shoves it into the hands of the pathologist and says THERE I've got the bally thing out now YOU tell us what it is !!