To ask for your best joke?

[JennaTools]

I'm in a really bad and sad place tonight, hit me with your best jokes!!

Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum!
Doctor, "I've got some cream for that..."

What do you call a man with a 2 inch willy? Justin

Whats really high and dribbles? A giraffe asleep on a leaf. (think thats right.... )

How do u kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do u kill a pink elephant? You twist it's nose till it turns blue and then kill it with the blue elephant gun.

I used to play the triangle for a reggae band. I had to leave in the end. It was just one ting after another.

Did you hear about the 2 old ladies who got flashed.......one had a stroke and the other couldn’t reach!!

A couple are getting married. She's worried about her bad breath. He's worried about his smelly feet. On the wedding night she turns to him and says "I've got something to tell you" He says "Good god! You've eaten my socks!"

How can you tell if a pepper is nosey?

Because it gets jalapeño business.

What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones

Excuse given by a parent "sorry that Tommy wasn't in school today he had diarrhoea and his boots leak "

I bought some garden furniture today.
The box said the wood was from a well-managed forest.
They must've chopped up Brian Clough's old desk.

My mate’s called his new son Kelvin.
I mean, how cool is that?

Hypochondriacs anonymous,
Step-1 Admitting you don't have a problem .

What’s worse than a Boy Scout on your knee?

A brownie in your pants

New keeper in London Zoo keeps making mistakes, first of all he is asked to clean out the aviary and he accidently kills come birds, so he throws them into the Lions den, next he runs over a couple of Chimps in his van so he throws them into the Lions den as well, then he drops a bee hive so he throws that into the Lions den as well.

New Lion walks into the den and asks what the food is like, one Lion says well normally its crap but today we had Finch, Chimps and mushy bees

I'll get my coat

What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip

What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven’s last movement

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his zipper. Bar man asks, "Do you know there's a wheel on your zipper?"
Pirate replies, "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

Aintnothingbutaheartache ouch!

Ah thang oo

Two Tunnock's caramel logs standing in the arrivals hall of Glasgow Airport. One turns to the other and says: 'how long have you been a wafer?'

It was a bad day at the London sperm bank.

One man came on the bus and the other missed the tube.

Grey horse walks into a bar : Pint of best, please.

Barman, thinks of white horse whisky: Are you sure? Did you know we’ve got a drink named after you?

Grey horse: what, Eric?

Also

How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate a tit a lot.

(say out loud)

Where can you weigh a whale?

At a whale-weigh station

(sing out loud)

Where can you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow

Whats barbies favourite thing to do at halloween?

‘Pump - Ken!’

There's a bloke, in bed with his partner, things aren't going to plan so he reaches over to his bedside cabinet for his liquid viagra and takes a big swig.
Well, turns out it wasn't his liquid viagra but instead was Tippex
and he awoke with a massive
CORRECTION!

High fives @DanFmDorking for the Brian Clough joke