To ask for your best joke?

[JennaTools]

I'm in a really bad and sad place tonight, hit me with your best jokes!!

What do you call a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador

whats red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

AndIWould I don't get it?

@KeepServingTheDrinks no definitely not parking related

Velcro - what a rip off!

Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

What's E.T short for?
Because he's got little legs.

What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings and Walt disnae.

What’s worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

@Bumble1830 I think your messed up posts are my favourite

Another musical one
What do you call a drummer without a partner?

Homeless

Where do magicians go for their post pub takeaways?

Abrakebabra.

@JennaTools I'm glad I've cheered you up, That was my intention all along, honest

My friend is in hospital, having swallowed a Brillo pad. Dr’s think he’ll scrape through.

What’s green & bounces around Australia? Skippy The Cooking Apple

What did the slug to the snale?
Big Issue

(Hope you’re feeling a bit better - thank you for letting me tell my terrible jokes!)

What do you call a French man in sandals?

Felipe Filop

Literally the only joke I know!!!

What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant ....

sorry if things are tough, Jenna.

It probably won't work, but here's one of my 11 million Jewish jokes:

Man goes back to the matchmaker and says "how can you have paired me up with her? You said she was beautiful, she's hideous. You said she was intelligent, she can hardly string a sentence together. You said she was a homemaker, her house is a tip"
Matchmaker says "no need to whisper, she's deaf as well".

Here's another (and then I MUST go to bed)
Person goes to the doctors and says "doctor, please help me. I keep farting. They're silent and odour-free, which is a great relief, but I'm so conscious of it and so embarrassed, please can you help me?"
Doctor says "I'm going to recommend a hearing test and a referral to help with your sense of smell"

Where does the Pink Panther come from?
Durham, Durham, Durham

Why did George Michael have chocolate round his mouth?
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He was Careless with his Wispa

I had no idea there were so many excellent cheese jokes!

But non cheese related...

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man

Woman takes her duck to the vet...

Vet: I'm sorry madam, your duck has passed away.
Woman: NO! I don't believe you! I want a second opinion!

Vet opens a door and a Maine Coon walks in, sniffs the duck and shakes his head.

Woman: Rubbish! My duck isn't dead!

Vet opens the door again, Labrador walks in, sniffs the duck and shakes his head.

Woman: That's it then. Vet: That's going to be £2,500 Woman: Just for telling me me duck's dead? Vet: Would have been £30, but you did have a Cat Scan and a Lab Report.....

Sorry it's long.

My favourite joke

Why are pirates called pirates

Because they Arrrrrrrrr

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

A variation on "What’s worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ."

What is better than roses on a piano? Tulips on your organ.