To have more children in these circumstances?

[LightningAndLove]

In Aibu as I have no idea what category it should go in.
This might be quite long so sorry in advance.

I already have two DD's (8 and 10) who live with my ex as my work means I am away most week days. It's also very unpredictable and I usually find out how many nights I will be away for the week and where to the Friday before or even when I go in on the Monday.

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

Dh and I got married in March. We'd talked before about having children together and both agreed that it's something we'd like at some point in the future.
Since the wedding we've been talking about it more seriously.
I do really want children with dh and we're in a secure enough place financially and career wise that it's definitely practical

However, I feel really guilty at the thought of having more children when I've already got two that I feel I dont see enough of.
I'm scared that they'll feel like they're pushed out or replaced

I don't understand why others think OP would spend less time with her girls? It's another baby she's not moving away!

Sorry if this is offensive but I feel you are taking the piss somewhat.
You have 2 daughters aged 8 & 10 years old who don’t live with you because of your job.
Are you in any way aware of the emotional needs of your girls?
Just because they are being fed and watered by your ex doesn’t make it right.
I understand that circumstances sometimes dictate a social set up.
BUT
You are thinking about having another child. Why? So that you and your new bloke have a child together?
Of course your girls are going to be pissed off and rightly so!
You sound horribly selfish.
Your girls need their mum

Because flumpybear op doesn’t live with the kids she’s got already

im unsure how this could work.surely if you can have another child you can have the other dcs more too?if not then how can you say you can look after a "new" one

Perhaps get a different job or career switch? Could you stretch your mat leave to a year and use it to do holiday childcare? Some of the responses here are terribly judgmental. You are where you are - extended leave should give you chance to spend more time with your older girls as well as the new baby.

Flumpybear - who are you closer to your mum or your dad?

The people you know who were the children of divorce, who are they closer to? What do they think of the person who was the nrp?

I can see history repeating itself. Op has one or more further children, Dh is doing all the childcare and wifework, OP'S barely there. Dh starts wondering what the point of op is and marriage breaks down, DC 3 & 4 also end up living with father and op continues in career.

Now there's more DC being raised by a father with effectively an absent mother.

I think it's irresponsible.

Not everyone genuinely wants to be or should be a parent and that's fine - if they choose not to.

Unfortunately there are some people who go ahead and have children without properly considering if this is true of them.

More people are opting to be child free and that's starting to become more acceptable and it needs to - because otherwise there's children being born who are going to be hurt by poor parenting.

I am by no means a perfect parent nobody is, but i am a maternal person. I think some people just aren't that way inclined but become parents due to societal pressure and/or because their partner wants DC.

I'm stunned at the sexism in this thread in 2018. Talk of the the dh having to do wifework then wondering what the point of his wife is - do wives who do wifework all kick their husbands out for having no point? The suggestion that because the older dcs live with dad them they're being fed and clothed but not having their emotional needs met?

Can't you people who are saying these things see? Have we really come so little distance that in 2018 a family can't decide that the wife will be the main career person and the husband the main child carer? If so I really must pass this information on to the families I know where this is the case so the wife can get a lighter note menial job and the husband can get out there and work more, and stop depriving their children of emotional support just because he is dad and not mum.

Welcome back to the 1950s.

Now there's more DC being raised by a father with effectively an absent mother.
Did you read the bit about how OP lives round the corner from her dc and sees them regularly? And if they lived with mum but dad was round the corner and saw them regularly would you would think it would have been better if they hadn't had children in the first place? Your power of projection is scary.

I was close to both of my parents when they were alive (albeit strange relationships with both but that was due to their behaviours when older )

Perhaps because I grew up near army and RAF bases (not my world tho) I don't see a big issue and just because it's mum who is working away I can't see it's any different to men working away then having another family with a new partner and staying in sane job

I also am surprised at the sexism on this thread. I know plenty of women who have demanding jobs, their spouse/partner is the primary caregiver. Doctors, airline pilots, military, etc. Should mothers never do this work - is that what MN users think? I also have very good friends who lived full time with their fathers after divorce as they were better set up to provide for them. OP hasn't abandoned her children, they end up with one parent usually after a split right? Not always the mother.

OP talk to your girls, see how they would feel. They might love the idea of a new baby. Talk to your DH and figure out how you'd manage childcare if you had a baby of your own. It might be great while you're on mat leave to spend more time with your older ones also. I feel you've gotten a lot of harsh negativity on this thread.

Regularly does not mean frequently. Once a year every year is regularly. It sounds like op is away with work quite a lot.

If the children were living with mother and the father was the one working away a lot hardly seeing the DC I'd be just as critical of him. Yes I'd be questioning if the decision to have children when one parent clearly acts in a way which suggests they never had any intention of being an engaged parent, had been the correct one.

I used wifework merely as shorthand for running household, doing all the housework and being responsible for the full mental load too.

And yes, plenty of women on here posting about unengaged fathers who are rarely home, contribute little to their children as parents and to their homes practically or emotionally ARE asked "what is he good for?" "Why did you have DC with him?" And told to ltb.

Wifework is a hideously sexist term. Still stunned at this whole thread.

I'm an army brat myself. My ex was also army and was an army brat himself.

Generally speaking during peace time they're not away as much as people think and they get extra leave for when they're home precisely in order to make up the time away from home.

My family are fucked up but nothing to do with army. Ex had a good relationship with both parents. I've lots of fellow army brats friends who get on great with their army career fathers (due to our age our mothers wouldn't have been in army after becoming mothers).

Because when their fathers were away they stayed in touch and maintained relationships, when home they were very engaged parents doing the more mundane, regular graft of day to day parenting.

I don't get the feeling op is doing that.

I don't get the feeling op is doing that.

Perhaps you missed this bit then, @Graphista

We live very close to each ( literally around the corner) and ex and it was all very amicable and ex and I still get on brilliantly so we have no official arrangements but the girls stay with me most weekends and are free to come and go between both houses whenever I'm home.

OP if you aren't around would your girls be able to see their half-sibling? In other words would your current husband cope with having your daughters and the baby in the house for a few hours?

If the answer is a definite "no" then you can't have another child. If the answer was maybe if they were older then you are going to have to wait until the youngest is in secondary school.

You have to remember that the children all have a separate relationship to each other from the adults and the adults need to facilitate that.

Nope, read all OP'S posts. Just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean I'm wrong or that I'm not allowed a different opinion to you.

I read that information differently to you.

To me that reads that op isn't home every weekend, isn't home much in the week and as a result doesn't see much of her current children.

@Graphista the OP is home at weekends but just because she is the nrp she can't be expected to not allow the rp to have days out with his school-age kids at the weekend.

I actually know people brought up by their dads as the rp. The ones who had issues with their mothers were the ones were their mother's fucked off completely.

Wow what a sad thread. MN just shows the patriarchy is thriving. It’s ingrained in women not just men. Between this and topless sunbathing thread it makes me weep that we haven’t moved on for hundreds of years, In fact it’s worse because we know and hundreds of years ago they didn’t.
Sad 😞
OP if you and your DH can give a baby a happy and healthy life then go for it.

I'm really struggling to understand the posts that say that the girls current residency arrangements should radically change if she and her husband decide to have a baby together even though the OP will be at home exactly the same amount of time as currently. I can't imagine it would make anyone happier. Father loses his children for half the week. Children get cared for by their step-dad instead of their dad and no longer have a primary home. Step father suddenly has to look after his step daughters for half the week as well as the new baby. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

The OP has an unorthodox set up for her children but says it works for everyone concerned. Having a baby may well bring huge strains to that, but to me the fundamental question is whether her husband is prepared to be a single dad all week long and to support the OP in spending a significant amount of time with her older children when she is home. That seems a tall order to me, and not something I would have accepted myself but perhaps he loves spending time with babies and doesn't feel the need for very much support.

I think a lot of people on this thread are assuming answers not in favour are sexist because it is an inconvenient truth to admit that yes, marital breakdown does effect children and yes, when the NRP goes on to have children with a new spouse, the existing children very often ARE effected. I definitely was effected by this (and NRP was my Dad, so no, it’s not sexism in my case) as are most children from divorced parents that I know.

We don’t like to talk about this because it doesn’t suit the party line of ‘you have a right to be happy’ blah blah....

OP, if you are to consider this I urge you to talk openly with your existing children first and gauge their feelings, and understand from them what they might like in order to help them feel not pushed out.

Your existing set up sounds very sensitive and stable so not suggesting that needs to change, but you might be surprised at what they say.

Nothing to do with sexism - it's deeply painful for children to see their fathers create a new family he lives with, when they are only seeing him EOW. I have personally seen children badly affected by this.

But nobody expects men not to do this.

If OP wants more children, the obvious thing to do is to go for 50:50 custody, to spend more time with the ones she already has. If she then wants to add a new baby, the girls will feel more like a family and less like OP has fucked off to create a new family with someone else.

I think a lot of people on this thread are assuming answers not in favour are sexist because it is an inconvenient truth to admit that yes, marital breakdown does effect children and yes, when the NRP goes on to have children with a new spouse, the existing children very often ARE effected. I definitely was effected by this (and NRP was my Dad, so no, it’s not sexism in my case) as are most children from divorced parents that I know.

Xpost - exactly.

Since your career is so important to you why have another child?