OH promising lifts to friends using my car as he doesn't have one!

[cheaperthebetter]

So when I say OH (kids dad but not living together or in relationship anymore) he has regular contact with children and uses my car to take them out(yes he is insured).
Reason for splitting up;
So inconsiderate
His way is right
Hypocritical
Selfish
Demeaning
So he has not been working for 2 years cause of a medical condition, now a member of his family as told him about a job with excellent pay and he can start soon as he has done his CSCS course.
All been well he could do the courses Tuesday and Wednesday about an hour to hour and a half drive from my house.
On Friday he asked if he could borrow car to drop family member to the job (to keep it open for when he finishes the courses) on Monday morning will be back about 8 in morning, I said yes as long as (fm) pays petrol.
Now he has came out with that he is also picking his (fm) up also after work everyday until Thursday!
I explained he did not say this to me on Friday and that he only said on Monday morning!

AIBU to say no? He said well I need to use the car so can get sorted with courses and (fm) keep job open, I said so what do you plan on doing from Thursday? He says borrow money to hire a car between them.

WWYD and AIBU if I say no? As apart of me is thinking well at least he is trying! But other part is thinking how very dare you just offer something that is not his and think not to tell me I will be ok with it! Bare in mind I have 4(DC) to entertain with them been off school for 6 weeks!
I'm so so so annoyed

Hope I won't be UNREASONABLE to tell him to piss off !
Thought would ask use WWYD

If he tries to pull any emotional shit in front of the kids

There is no reason why you and the kids need to be together

Answer the door with the kids ready - he leaves

Same - let the kids in and block the door - send the kids away if dad wants to ask something .....

Divide and conquer

OP, I cannot wipe the huge silly grin from my face, you rock girl, wow !
I hope you are feeling energised, by taking back control, he really is a waste of space. Don't have him over the thresh hold, keep him out of your business.
You have shown us all, what an amazing woman you are, I'm very impressed.
Stay strong, and true to yourself.
He'll survive without any input from you, scroungers always do.🌸

GOOD FOR YOU! Just read updates and so, so amazing that you told him where to go.

I'd ask that all contact from now on be by text message. So you have a record. And again, have someone around when he comes to see the kids.

He's got a fucking nerve.

Agree with Green Tulips. Don't let him discuss anything in front of the kids. If he tries, text him to say he is not to do so as it upsets them. He does it to coerce you, and be emotionally abusive to them so he can manipulate you. Don't enable his shit.

OP he is a man-child! And very good at it he is too. I let a moron into my life who well and truly took advantage of me and my home, it was like looking after an inept teenager (the loser was 27 at the time). When I finally gave myself a shake and managed to kick him out, he called me a ‘heartless bitch’!! This was after a year of hell that he put me through. This type of ‘man’ uses the same kind of logic that a child uses - ‘you’re so horrible’, ‘it’s sooooo unfair’ etc. Respond to him as you would a child - ‘now, I know things don’t always seem fair sometimes but....’

If the fm already works their how have they been getting to work up until now and why cant they continue and you x join them when he starts?

Your being walked on why do you allow it? Stop financing him and he will have to do it himself carry on treating him like a kid and he will act like one.

There’s a freedom in accepting someone doesn’t like you, especially when they are a dickhead

This

Your ex sounds like my ex, though I got rid a lot sooner. He would ask to borrow my car every day and I would end up having to explain what I planned to use the car for that day to get out of lending it.

When my dd got to be a teenager she asked why everyone treated her dad as if he were a child.

Well done! Now you have to keep it going. No more paying for him, no more letting him make you look an utter mug in front of the kids, no more teaching them either to be mugs themselves or take advantage of people.

Get onto cms & freedom programme tomorrow.

My 17 yr old dd is more responsible, mature and organised than he is!

He can only "make you feel bad" if you LET HIM! Every time he starts that shit repeat in your head "not my fault, not my problem, he's taking piss".

He doesn't need to be in your house EVER, handover at the door or even he waits in the street.

Arrange that you hand over the DC only in public places or via a 3rd party, that's what I did with my ex (not violent but before I moved out of former marital home he'd come round drunk making a nuisance of himself so when I moved I didn't tell him address, he tried to get me forced to tell by court but was refused).

Keep the momentum of today going.

It's not inconsiderate to refuse to lend someone your car!

Refuse the car. He can do public transport/taxis, or hire a car, like a normal not-massively-entitled person.

you get working tax and Child tax and CHB as I work part time that is the kids money and you spend that when ya go for coffees etc or the very very odd night of bingo which is cheapest night that is!

You can bet that when he gets himself a takeaway or goes to the pub he does not tell himself he's using his children's money.

He's a passive aggressive gaslighting idiot. Only accept contact from him if it's to do with the children. No more favours.

Well done @KokoandAllBall , great advice above and you are doing brilliantly now

you get working tax and Child tax and CHB as I work part time that is the kids money

Remember you have been wasting the kids money on subsidising him, and stay strong.

you get working tax and Child tax and CHB

"Yes... and child maintenance."

Is your insurance company open now? If so, ring and remove him from the policy, so if you're suddenly hit by an attack of the guilts in the morning, he still can't drive it!

Then YY to the Freedom Programme. This link takes you to the search page http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php so you do not need to wait until tomorrow to find out about it (I am a FP facilitator in my area)

Well done op!
Love a good resolution!
Now keep it up.
Don’t allow him in your house.
Remember that saying no doesn’t make you the bad guy. It shows decent boundaries that will help your kids in future.
And take him of the insurance.

Again thank you all

Still waiting on the text about the children ...

Thanks for the link flapp

I'm sat here with the biggest cheesiest grin ever on my face...

Honestly I feel like I have an army behind me right now with you MN
I'm ready for the fight lol...👊🏻
I know I keep saying it but WOW thank you! 💐💐💐

Jesus what a tool

And I agree with others - get him off your insurance. Hopefully you’ll have a nice little rebate

Remember her needa to contact you re arrangements for the kids - if you start asking him when he's having them he'll see it as a weapon to use against you (even if you're desperate for a break - don't let on)

Then text 'yes thursdays fine, I'll have them ready to leave at 6pm. Then stand on the doorstep - quick kiss - have fun kids and close the door - do not give him and inch to discuss plans or money etc

Agree with pp - if he tried to guilt you in front of the kids by saying he can’t take them to do what he promises cos he’s got no money DONT give it to him. Instead say ‘that’s a shame kids, but I’ll take you some other time.’ He shouldn’t be using your money to take them to places - you should be getting to make those memories instead. They’ll also soon learn who the reliable one is out of mum and dad.

*Green tulips;
*
Great advice thank you 💐

I'm actually looking forward to my week with MY CAR!

Told DC we are going to go out tomorrow to a nice park and have a ice cream 🍦
They very excited and I've explained to them that dad can not use my car anymore as he not insured on it anymore and there for it is illegal for him to do so...DD response "oh well at least you will have petrol now and the car will be a lot cleaner"...😂..DD8

Good for you OP!! Don't cave...

Love your DD cheaper She’s got his measure, as is so often the case in similar situations.

I remember my friend having to warn her then 10yo daughter that her father had threatened to take away the puppy he had given her for her birthday the previous year. Her response: “Don’t be silly mummy, that means he would have to pay for the petrol to get here.”

With one of my crazy family members, not an ex, I make a game out of their lengthy emails, rants in person, rants sent via other people, rewriting of history, sly tricks etc.

The game is called Me Me Me. You listen or read noticing every sentence and how it is All About Me, hoping for a winning happy place.

Try to spot something, anything, that is not I want, I need, I should have, You should give Me, I deserve, you/person is mean to Me

Score happy points for anything that is a statement or request not surrounded by any of the Me Me Me.

For example happy points would be awarded for "I hope you and the children had a nice day out yesterday, little Cheaper was so excited about it last weekend. I'd like to have them from 9-6 this Saturday to go to the zoo. Is that OK with you?"

In the last few decades my mother has scored about, um, maybe ten happy points. Though I may have been overly generous with awarding some of them.

My dad did exactly nothing to promote contact with our mother. He did not block her in any way. He just left it up to her to organise it. We were teenagers. He was entirely honest with us that he would block nothing, if she wanted to spend time with us we could organise it with her but he wouldn't be getting involved at all. It was actually tremendously helpful in the long run to know exactly how selfish she is and how little effort she was willing to put in to spend time with us. I am glad he didn't do stuff to fake to us that she wanted time with us.

I like your game Rabbits, I’m actually regretting being NC with two arsehole relatives who would have been perfect subjects. I may well try it out on a coworker though...

Op you are 👏 awesome!!! I love the floundering haddock picture someone upthread describes!! Keep going you can do this !! What a lovely summer you're going to have with the kids 🌞