OH promising lifts to friends using my car as he doesn't have one!

[cheaperthebetter]

So when I say OH (kids dad but not living together or in relationship anymore) he has regular contact with children and uses my car to take them out(yes he is insured).
Reason for splitting up;
So inconsiderate
His way is right
Hypocritical
Selfish
Demeaning
So he has not been working for 2 years cause of a medical condition, now a member of his family as told him about a job with excellent pay and he can start soon as he has done his CSCS course.
All been well he could do the courses Tuesday and Wednesday about an hour to hour and a half drive from my house.
On Friday he asked if he could borrow car to drop family member to the job (to keep it open for when he finishes the courses) on Monday morning will be back about 8 in morning, I said yes as long as (fm) pays petrol.
Now he has came out with that he is also picking his (fm) up also after work everyday until Thursday!
I explained he did not say this to me on Friday and that he only said on Monday morning!

AIBU to say no? He said well I need to use the car so can get sorted with courses and (fm) keep job open, I said so what do you plan on doing from Thursday? He says borrow money to hire a car between them.

WWYD and AIBU if I say no? As apart of me is thinking well at least he is trying! But other part is thinking how very dare you just offer something that is not his and think not to tell me I will be ok with it! Bare in mind I have 4(DC) to entertain with them been off school for 6 weeks!
I'm so so so annoyed

Hope I won't be UNREASONABLE to tell him to piss off !
Thought would ask use WWYD

"she has nuts mate! She doesn't even need to use her car it just a control thing with her! I know it is really important but nothing I can do, she got issues hasn't she!"

To which I would have said "Well then, gee, aren't you glad you won't be dependent anymore on selfish, controlling ME for money and a car then? Oh my, you are sooooo well rid of me!"

he stated he is not selfish he put his last £4.50 in petrol and took DC fishing, went and looked to hiring an allotment for the children

Well pin a fucking medal on his scrawny chest for doing what most of us do for our children every fucking day! That's not being unselfish, it's being a fucking PARENT!

you get working tax and Child tax and CHB as I work part time that is the kids money and you spend that .....so it ok for you to buy this that and the other and you say in scrounging off my kids

I'd have said "No, You're not scrounging off your our kids. You're scrounging off ME. And it's over!".

What an immature, self-centered GIT!

*Zzzz;
*
Ha ha that made me laugh 😂
So so true 😂

Proud if you OP!!!!!

Well done! Keep it up and soon it will be second nature.

went and looked to hiring an allotment for the children(which I would of ended up paying for, which I would t have cause it great for them but besides the point

No no no no! If you want an allotment - you hire onw and take the kids ..... do not allow him to seek the glory for something you pay for ....

He's a manipulative little shit.

Try and remember this: the only people you should care about what they think of you, is people who have earned your admiration and respect.

Given he is a total cockwomble his opinion is nothing more than a stinky fart - unpleasant but ultimately insubstantial and easily wafted away/purged via opening the window.

Just read the thread. Well done OP! I love how you spoke to him!! Adult child is right. He's going to have a tantrum but he will have to find someone else to get cash from now. Don't cave, you can do it.

Yes, the allotment. If you want one, then you organize and pay for one. If he wants one, he organized and pays. If he wants and you pay, then you are back to facilitating for him again. This habit needs to be broken.

say "go find another girlfriend/wife/sucker - my car my life my rules - bye!"

He has not texted but I know I will have a HUGEEEE essay off him as normal!
How it my fault blah blah blah !

OPs may I ask how much contact do your DCF have?
He won't have them over night as there is no where for them to stay as he is at friends house, with his controlling way since I kicked him out!
He would on my door step every day ....but now I am taking my life back what would you deem reasonable?

Well done OP! Now you started the process of standing up to him, it will get easier. Just say no. You do not owe him a single thing. So glad you are taking control of communication too! Ditto for getting the kids stuff. Stop subbing him. If you want your kids to have those things, then cut out the cheeky fecker and give it to them directly. Your money, your 'glory'!

Well done! You did amaaaazingly well. If you are in any doubt when the essay arrives, please post it on your thread and the mumsnet crew will pick it to bits. You know you’re in the right. 👏👏👏

*Free woman;
*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That is the best explanation of what he is!
Oh the day I come face to face with him I will think of that!

That is hilarious that he phoned his family member in front of you. He’s so bloody obvious in his attempts to manipulate. Do not give him anything. He is a grown up who can take care of himself.

Well done. But with the texts, DO NOT get drawn in. Ignore unless there is a specific matter about the kids which needs a response. Don't start any retaliation or anything as it will just feed into his drama. Detach!

I most definitely will post it!

All you MN are amazing and the support I am feeling right now is immense!
I have wanted to post about this for a long time and never had the bottle, I so wished I did this earlier but it is done now and I am so truly great full that you have taking the time to read and comment on this thread
💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Oh and OP, don't forget to take him off your car insurance.

Well done.

You have boundaries, and he doesn’t like it.

I find the most effective way to deal with the guilt trip is to damn well own it.

‘You’re SO mean’

Yes, I’m awful. You haven seen the half of it matey.

Takes the wind out of their sails if you agree wholeheartedly.

OPs may I ask how much contact do your DCF have?
He won't have them over night as there is no where for them to stay as he is at friends house, with his controlling way since I kicked him out!

Whatever he arranges with you himself. Let his organise it.

Don't cave.

He has abused you for so long that you are doubting yourself.

He is an adult and he needs to take responsibility instead of trying to dump his crap on you.

You are saying no, and like a toddler, he does not like it! Don't give in.

Not your circus, not your monkeys!

OP well done for standing up to him, as with anything in life the more you practice the better you'll get.

If he tries to pull any emotional shit in front of the kids again about them missing out on days out etc he's promised them but expects you to bankroll, and he says in front of them that it's your fault if they can't go, just reply "sorry but daddy's already spent his money on something else, but mummy will take you to X place when you're back with me." Obviously I wouldn't pre-emptively slag him off in front of the kids but nothing wrong with setting them straight. Then you'll also have money to take them to these nice places yourself - why should that useless cockwomble get the credit?

Stay strong!

him not his.

take him off any insurances you have, don't give him money, car or your time.
Don't read his messages and tell him if he wants to speak about the children make it one or two lines as you really don't have the time nor inclination to communicate bout anything else.

Well done! Just in case though, you might want to make sure you aren't alone with him for a while. Now he knows that his control has slipped, he might get really nasty.

Next time he mentions food/phone/extras in front of the kids, smile and say, "I'd love to help, but you wouldn't want the kids to go without any Christmas presents, would you? Shame you've chosen to spend your money on other things, but I need to plan sensibly and not be extravagant so the kids get everything they need. I'm sure you can find someone without kids to borrow from. Bank, maybe? Do shut the door on the way out."

Don't let him teach them money grows in Mummy's purse. That's wrong for all sorts of reasons - even leaving aside the fact he is exploiting you like the leech he is.

I'd also consider getting a friend or family member to be there when he arrives, or drops off the kids. Get some backup while you wean him off his assumption that he has a right to everything that's yours.