OH promising lifts to friends using my car as he doesn't have one!

[cheaperthebetter]

So when I say OH (kids dad but not living together or in relationship anymore) he has regular contact with children and uses my car to take them out(yes he is insured).
Reason for splitting up;
So inconsiderate
His way is right
Hypocritical
Selfish
Demeaning
So he has not been working for 2 years cause of a medical condition, now a member of his family as told him about a job with excellent pay and he can start soon as he has done his CSCS course.
All been well he could do the courses Tuesday and Wednesday about an hour to hour and a half drive from my house.
On Friday he asked if he could borrow car to drop family member to the job (to keep it open for when he finishes the courses) on Monday morning will be back about 8 in morning, I said yes as long as (fm) pays petrol.
Now he has came out with that he is also picking his (fm) up also after work everyday until Thursday!
I explained he did not say this to me on Friday and that he only said on Monday morning!

AIBU to say no? He said well I need to use the car so can get sorted with courses and (fm) keep job open, I said so what do you plan on doing from Thursday? He says borrow money to hire a car between them.

WWYD and AIBU if I say no? As apart of me is thinking well at least he is trying! But other part is thinking how very dare you just offer something that is not his and think not to tell me I will be ok with it! Bare in mind I have 4(DC) to entertain with them been off school for 6 weeks!
I'm so so so annoyed

Hope I won't be UNREASONABLE to tell him to piss off !
Thought would ask use WWYD

keep to short emails about the dc now and don't lend him your car.
he is nothing to you now, why are you still letting him treat you so inconsiderably. You left him because of this, and you've gained nothing. You might as well still be together for the difference it has made.

You may have clear boundaries in terms of saying no to your children but they will be learning how adult relationships work by watching what you do. You are giving them a template whether you like it or not.

He has to rent a car anyway (or so he claims , agree he’s setting you up to continue lending it!) so when he says he can’t grt the job say don’t be ridiculous you were renting one anyway. And play his game - think of something Monday to do with the dc that needs the car - I can’t , its holidays and I promised the dc

Thank you for your advice I'm feeling that back bone

Good. Inform him that he is only to contact you about arrangements for the kids. He has no reason to contact you otherwise.

I’m in the exact same position

Split up 6 months ago, I feed him, he showers here (lives in his van), I lend him money, do all his life admin and even act as psychotherapist most days. He is not from UK, has no one here and has adhd which affects him terribly so I really believe he will just wither and die if I turn him onto the street. I fucking hate him most days. No advice op, but I totally get it and hope we both manage to shake them off eventually.

Many years ago OP, I had an ex that acted as a similar cheeky fucker with my car, and thinking about it reminds me what a mug I was with him: returning it on empty, presenting me with a parking fine to pay (naturally after the deadline for the cheaper fine had passed) and using it to visit his ex etc.

Your ex is similarly taking the piss with you and taking advantage of your generosity and good nature. Him offering lifts in your car does makes him look generous to his fm, but he is treating you like a mug what with the sob stories for food and phone top ups as well.

He's your ex now (well done for getting him out of your house btw ) so you need to wind down all the financial assistance. Save your spare cash for your DCs not this scrounger!

I'm not a people pleaser in the slightest!
I had been with him for 12 years worst relationship imaginable!
DV
Emotional abuse
Controlling (money, friends, no makeup etc)
Cheated on me
Belittling me
Threats to family
He has this fucking hold on me that I fucking hate !! And I want rid of it for good but he has done such a fucking good job I feel like this will be it for the rest of my life !
I did the biggest step getting him out of my house!
Now I need him out of my fucking god damn life !
Sorry for swearing just had enough and have been wanting to post on here about it for a while but always chicken shitted out of it!
Anyone else been in a DVR who has got out and stayed strong?

Op you are paying him to spend time with his children!

He has to rent a car anyway (or so he claims , agree he’s setting you up to continue lending it!) so when he says he can’t grt the job say don’t be ridiculous you were renting one anyway. And play his game

Play no games. Do not enter into any conversations about his needs- they are not your business. Just say 'did you want to speak about the children? If not, I'm busy' OWTTE.

You may have clear boundaries in terms of saying no to your children but they will be learning how adult relationships work by watching what you do. You are giving them a template whether you like it or not.

This. They have an awful example of how relationships work from him, they need a really good one from you. Do it for your kids.

Oh, and contact CMS, while you are at it.

Have you ever looks at the Freedom Programme? It might be the right thing to give you that strength.

OP is there any possibility of a family member or friend letting him pick the kids up from their house so that you don't have to see him?

I went to DV charity to help get him out which worked with help from solicitor and she did mention the freedom program but not heard anything since will ring Monday

Why do you look the bad person twice over in front of your children?

“Sorry kids. Daddy hasn’t given me x hundred pounds I owe him. You want me to buy x ice creams for you, right? You want to do xyz with me in the holidays, right? Well then I’d better not give daddy my money then, had I? Daddy needs to find his own money. He’s a grown up.”

You are teaching your children some appalling lessons about how a relationship between parents work. Terrible drama - the tactics he’s using are explained in the karpman drama triangle if you’re interested. In any case, read up on fog (fear obligation and guilt).

You haven't really broken up with him, have you? You are still feeding him, sorting out his transport, lending him money. He's not living in your house any more but otherwise he is right there in the middle of your life and you are busy fixing and facilitating for him. If you actually want rid of him, then you need to shut this down and put up firm boundaries that remove him from your life once and for all, no matter how sad he gets, how much he tried to manipulate you etc. Think of it as showing your kids that you are allowed to have firm boundaries in relationships rather than that you are saying no to their dad.

OP you need to cut him out of your life
Even your post title called him your other half and he's not. He's your ex and you owe him nothing.

The fact that you refer to him as 'OH' instead of 'Ex' kind of says it all. You haven't yet broken the 'connection' (that no longer exists). The car, the cash, that's all just a symptom of the bigger problem: you need to detach your life from him, completely.

Tell him that the car and the cash will no longer be available to him at any time. He'll need to sort his own transportation and pay his own bills. If it makes you feel better, give him a date for the car as in "no longer available to you as of 1 Aug" to give him time to sort transportation re work. As far as cash, that needs to stop immediately.

Your children will get used to the new arrangement. If their dad starts with 'Your mum won't let us' or 'If Mum would give us the money we would....', you nip it in the bud with "Grown ups must earn their own way. If they won't, they must do without".

If he asks why, you don't have to give him a reason, but if you want to tell him that your lives are still too enmeshed and it's preventing both of you from moving forward. Because that's the reality.

If you feel he'll argue you round, take your car and park it at a friend's or relatives and give them the key.

Ohmmmmm
That sounds horrendous for you. What did he do in his home country, can’t he go back to his family?

He is white British am I am too !
He is originally from south but moved to north for his EX ...18 years ago
He won't go back to south cause of our children

He keeps taking the piss because he knows you won't say no. Why would he pay for his own phone and food when he knows he can get you to pay it instead? Practice saying no. Next time he expects you to pay for a fun activity you'll just have to tell him to Google local free activities. You can put a stop to this, it won't be easy but you do you really want to spend your life paying for this loser?

Of course YANBU and I think it’s long enough now to just withdraw your ‘support’. You are not his parent but he behaves like a child.

You need to let the kids see him for him. They need to be disappointed if he is disappointing them. They need to have a genuine relationship with their Dad where you are not papering over the cracks. It’s healthier. You can help your kids by pouring all of your energy into your unit and moving forward in a positive way.

That also means letting go of your Ex. You may think you have, but this ‘giving’ is very interdependent of you and binding your Ex to you.

Right!
He has took DC fishing and should be back any minute soon!
I'm going to tell him he is not using car at all full stop!
If he starts the BS I am going to clearly state not my problem!
As for FM again not my problem!

Stay strong, OP! You can do this!

You go OP!

You can do this. Harness that anger and don’t let him manipulate you.