OH promising lifts to friends using my car as he doesn't have one!

[cheaperthebetter]

So when I say OH (kids dad but not living together or in relationship anymore) he has regular contact with children and uses my car to take them out(yes he is insured).
Reason for splitting up;
So inconsiderate
His way is right
Hypocritical
Selfish
Demeaning
So he has not been working for 2 years cause of a medical condition, now a member of his family as told him about a job with excellent pay and he can start soon as he has done his CSCS course.
All been well he could do the courses Tuesday and Wednesday about an hour to hour and a half drive from my house.
On Friday he asked if he could borrow car to drop family member to the job (to keep it open for when he finishes the courses) on Monday morning will be back about 8 in morning, I said yes as long as (fm) pays petrol.
Now he has came out with that he is also picking his (fm) up also after work everyday until Thursday!
I explained he did not say this to me on Friday and that he only said on Monday morning!

AIBU to say no? He said well I need to use the car so can get sorted with courses and (fm) keep job open, I said so what do you plan on doing from Thursday? He says borrow money to hire a car between them.

WWYD and AIBU if I say no? As apart of me is thinking well at least he is trying! But other part is thinking how very dare you just offer something that is not his and think not to tell me I will be ok with it! Bare in mind I have 4(DC) to entertain with them been off school for 6 weeks!
I'm so so so annoyed

Hope I won't be UNREASONABLE to tell him to piss off !
Thought would ask use WWYD

For those who keeping saying you don't sound to be harsh, honestly I don't blame you, just reading all the comments is actually making me feel stronger tbh as obviously he is a master at making me feel like I am the one in the wrong all the time even though I'm not!

If I don't let him use the car he will say well I can't do the course and won't be able to start the job and make me feel bad 😔

What if he was to offer the kids a holiday somewhere... Disneyland, or similar, would you pay for it then? Your kids need to see your ex partner for who they are. How does his family member get to work usually? Can't your exP go with them? He's obviously not getting a lift with you everyday!!!

You need to completely change the way you deal with this man.
You have taught him that if he whines at you like an annoying teenage boy, you will cave in and sort his life out for him.
You need to say no. “I am not doing you any more favours of this sort. I do not like the way you speak to me. We are not together any more and you will need to stop asking me to sort out things that are your responsibility. You are no longer on my car insurance.”
Repeat until he gets it. Do not be drawn into discussions or arguments. When he says “what am I supposed to do now?” the answer is “that’s up to you. Your arrangements are not my business”.

*Magic star ;
*
12 years of it!
I hate him even been in my house I actually can't physically stand him!
He repulses me!
But he clever as he will mention the food in front of DC and I can't say no in front of them they will think I am cruel and nasty ?
Time to seriously put my foot down !

Wish I found the strength to say NO NO NO to him but for some strange reason I can't?

Well carry on as normal then. He has no reason to get a job with you enabling him. You feed him, provide him with a car and top up his mobile phone. Do you like him depending on you? You honestly don't seem to be too fussed about this.

Out of interest, how much is he paying to be on your insurance? What rate is he paying for fuel and wear and tear on the car?

He's got it made, hasn't he? Everything from free car hire to his food shopping and mobile phone paid for by you OP!
Stop mothering him and tell him to bugger off fgs!

Take him off the insurance and stop engaging with him. Grow a pair!

*I saw the light;
*
Of course I don't want to put up with it!
He just knows when to say things e.g on front of children
Or he will say "oh I get paid on this day will give it back" then when it comes to it he will say I only have this amount and promised kids this I'd pay you back then I can't do what ever with kids!
So either way I will look like the bad guy especially with the children

First off he's not your OH, he's your ex who happens to be the father of your children.

Remind yourself of the reasons he's your ex...inconsiderate, selfish and demeaning.

I'd be saying unfortunately you've had to take him off the insurance for the car, blame cost or whatever.

He is no longer your problem, his problem is himself and only he can sort himself out, not you him! He needs to grow up and stop blaming and using you. If the DCs are disappointed, reply yes it's a real shame but Daddy needs to get a job and get a car like Mummy has and Mummy can't do it for him. Put the ball back in his court and stop feeling guilty.

Best of luck OP

If a stranger showed up on your doorstep saying they'd offered a lift to a family member of theirs using your car, would you hand over the keys?

Your EX (not OH!!) is no longer a family member of yours. He is absolutely nothing to do with you, except for you to allow contact with your DC. This doesn't include paying for anything for him, or allowing him into your house or car.

Giving in to him just shows your DC that it's ok to treat people like that... you really need to work on having appropriate boundaries, and show this to your DC. Do it for them if you can't do it for yourself!

Oh Op, he is playing you. You need to work on your boundaries. He is an adult and a father, not a 14yr old boy. If he has no money for food - tough he will have to go hungry, same with phone credit, tough shit. You really need to toughen up and not let him use the children to extort money out of you. Can you move away from him and his abusive ways? If not, start making yourself unavailable for food, car, etc and just not respond to his constant requests. He is a leech.

So your exP is renting a car to get himself and fm to work from Thursday, yet it'd be your fault if he didn't use your car (for free) until then. How was his fm getting to work before? Seems like he can afford a hire car when he has to.

He's an adult, adults get themselves to work and organise their lives. There was a story in the paper of a homeless guy in America who got a job that was a 2hr walk away. He walked 4hrs a day to/from work and lived in a tent (he didn't want to live closer in case people found out he was homeless). He managed it. If your exP wanted to, he'd manage it too.

Also, what your kids are learning is that you're a pushover and your exP gets whatever he wants. They are not learning that you need to work hard to afford what you need. It's fine to help people out and be generous, but not when they're walking all over you and taking advantage. You'll be teaching your children to be both generous and when to stop, that's a valuable lesson for them.

What are you getting out of this deal?

My ex borrowed my car last week for work while his was in the garage but I don't use it much, I work 5 mins walk away from home. In exchange he is lending me his people carrier and man power to move house next week because mines a little Saxo.

Your ex is having his cake and eating it.. And you bought the cake!
He should be giving you money to support the children, he is not your responsibility anymore

If I don't let him use the car he will say well I can't do the course and won't be able to start the job and make me feel bad

Ach now come on OP. So effin what if he says that. Your reply to him should be "Oh well, you'll have to sort something else out, I need my car. He's got it made hasn't he? You also sound as if you can't say no to your children, I hope you manage to find your backbone soon.

This will be the best £2.50 you ever spend on yourself;

A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You by Anne Dickson
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/offer-listing/0704334208/ref=tmm_pap_used_olp_sr?condition=used&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid&sr

When he mentions food, say 'That sounds lovely, I'll be getting on with my jobs/book/TV watching but you guys have a good time'. He will have to say he can't pay. Don't let him just gloss over this.

As for the borrowing the car, how do other people get there? How does he get to other places on days when he's not borrowing your car? Ask him that. Those will be the things he has to do to get to the course. Your car isn't the only way to get somewhere!

Of course I don't want to put up with it!
He just knows when to say things e.g on front of children
Or he will say "oh I get paid on this day will give it back" then when it comes to it he will say I only have this amount and promised kids this I'd pay you back then I can't do what ever with kids!
So either way I will look like the bad guy especially with the children

Christ sake. If he let's the kids down, that's on him, not you. Let him let the kids down, not nice I know but you're encouraging him to do this. Put a stop to it now. If the kids are upset, that's on him...let them know what he's all about.

Stop being his mother!!!!

My children have clear boundaries that I can assure!
It is HIM!
all your comments are so right and this is what I need as don't have many friends as he would ruin most friendships I had, but couple know what he is and is like and never gave up! Thank god !
Thank you for your advice I'm feeling that back bone

OP, being a nice person, also means being kind to yourself, not allowing someone to continually disrespect you, and walk all over you like a doormat.
I suggest you no longer have him inside your house, keep him briefly, at the door. Limit conversation with him, do not listen to his drivel. He is a grown man, not your responsibility.
You must not allow him to use your car, take him off the insurance today, then it's done.

You're stuck in "I must help people" mode.

You have to be an asshole because he's ALREADY an asshole.

He will accuse you of being a selfish bitch. To which you can happily reply "I'M ALLOWED TO SAY NO TO YOU. YOU DO NOT OWN MY TIME OR MY POSSESSIONS AND I OWE YOU NOTHING."

Treat him like he is a four-doors-up neighbour. WOuld you essentially give THEM a car?

wrt managing the kids expectations and disappointments, be very clear about who is responsible for his behaviour (ie it's him, not you and not them, HIM.)

So for example

child "Wahhh dad says he can't do that thing because you won't give him money, I want to do the thing with dad, why won't you give him money wahhhh"

You "It's disappointing to not be able to do the thing isn't it? Dad is a grown up and grown ups aren't supposed to ask other people for money, but maybe next week I will take you to do the thing. I'm sorry Dad didn't do the thing he promised."

Honestly OP, if you think you’re going to cave in the heat of the moment when he asks for money then make up a story beforehand. You’ve spent your entire savings on fixing the car, or loaned them to a friend who’s starting a business, whatever ridiculous story would sound feasible. You have no money so can’t give him any. Too bad, so sad.

Would it help to remind yourself that he is taking money from you, which you can not then use for your DC? What ever it takes, wake up and realise that the world will jot end if you say no to him.

How do you think he thinks about you? Does he respect you. Want the best for your and your DC? Or is he just as selfish as a thing that is really very selfish indeed?