OH promising lifts to friends using my car as he doesn't have one!

[cheaperthebetter]

So when I say OH (kids dad but not living together or in relationship anymore) he has regular contact with children and uses my car to take them out(yes he is insured).
Reason for splitting up;
So inconsiderate
His way is right
Hypocritical
Selfish
Demeaning
So he has not been working for 2 years cause of a medical condition, now a member of his family as told him about a job with excellent pay and he can start soon as he has done his CSCS course.
All been well he could do the courses Tuesday and Wednesday about an hour to hour and a half drive from my house.
On Friday he asked if he could borrow car to drop family member to the job (to keep it open for when he finishes the courses) on Monday morning will be back about 8 in morning, I said yes as long as (fm) pays petrol.
Now he has came out with that he is also picking his (fm) up also after work everyday until Thursday!
I explained he did not say this to me on Friday and that he only said on Monday morning!

AIBU to say no? He said well I need to use the car so can get sorted with courses and (fm) keep job open, I said so what do you plan on doing from Thursday? He says borrow money to hire a car between them.

WWYD and AIBU if I say no? As apart of me is thinking well at least he is trying! But other part is thinking how very dare you just offer something that is not his and think not to tell me I will be ok with it! Bare in mind I have 4(DC) to entertain with them been off school for 6 weeks!
I'm so so so annoyed

Hope I won't be UNREASONABLE to tell him to piss off !
Thought would ask use WWYD

And just in case he asks, he can't have my car either!

You talk to him too much.

You are obviously still scared of him. You still feel responsible for his feelings after his misbehaviour.

I can't believe you looked up trains for him! Is he so much of a total fuckwit he doesn't know trains exist and can't use online travel planners? Of course not. You took ownership of his problem because you are scared of him having a problem.

You should not talk to him at all any more. You can't trust yourself to not be manipulated.

All contact by email. Third party hands over the children. Not a single penny or product to pass from you to him. Get serious.

Was that comment to me? I was referring to another poster, not you.

Anyway. Good luck and well done for deciding to stand your ground!

You go!!! Stick to your guns, you will be so glad you did!

If it helps, try to remember than enabling his awful behaviour isn't actually helping him. In order to help him, you have to force him to behave like an adult and sort his own shit out.

Wait til he's gone and text him if you think he'll talk you round?
No car
And no more money
If he wants to do something with the kids he'll have to sort his own transport and fund it.
Have excuses ready for when he turns up, I need the car, I've no cash etc

The thing is, you're being kind to everyone except yourself. That doesn't make any sense at all.

Tell him he can't use the car at all - doesn't matter why he needs it, he'll have to get a taxi or hire a car instead.

He's putting mileage on your car and it won't last as long as it would if you were the only user. Do what's best for you and tell him where to go.

Glad you're (hopefully) going grow a bloody back bone.

You pay for his food and phone too because he spends it on what exactly? Clearly not food or his phone. I'd have told him to starve the first time he asked and told him to budget better next time. He's a twat who treats you badly, disrespects you and cheats on you. Fuck him. His family can take care of him, or he can struggle and learn how to be an adult the hard way.

Hell no! How dare he take you for granted still. What a (insert expletive here)!!! I agree with agedknees Time for him to take responsibility for his choices.

YANBU. It's your car, your money and your decision.
I imagine he tells folk that he has you wrapped around his little finger and can get anything he wants from you - my XH used to brag like that all the time. Picture him doing just that the next time you start to feel 'responsible' for him.

I haven’t rtft but I’m in a situation where I’ve started a new job but for various reasons for the first month, half my wages will go on transport. It’s because I want and need the job, so I take the hit.

Your ex’s (not oh) can find an air bnb nearby, he can pay out for a taxi or hire a car.

Someone has to be inconvenienced. Imagine if I had a friend and I promised them my ex would lend them e.g. their spare fridge. That would be absolutely bonkers. I have no right to that.

Your ex is keeping the benefits of a relationship with you (car, favours, food). These are benefits a friend may have. He is not offering friendship. Only rudeness and taking.

You should look up ‘the shark cage theory or relationships’. Your boundaries are broken.

Please stop enabling him to fuck you over! Please be strong, for your sake and for that of your children. Stop giving him money. You can open the door, send the kids out, no conversation needed, do not engage with him.

My advice would be to make a box called "safari holiday with the kids" - or something else equally once-in-a-lifetimey. Something which you would all love.
Each time he asks you for money/phone/food/petrol etc turn him down and put the money in the box. Each time you extricate yourself a bit from the situation eg by taking him off the insurance, put what you've saved in the box.
It will massively simplify the saying no because it turns it into a straight choice. Shall I spend this money on the holiday for the kids or on ex dp? Even if he asks in front of the kids you can just keep in mind that the money is for them either way when you say no.

How exactly is he going to afford a hire car? He can’t afford to pay you back, and they aren’t exactly cheap...

He has no intention of hiring one. His intention is to use yours permanently.

cheaperthebetter You asked if anyone else had got out of a DV relationship and stayed out,I have.

I got out of two of them,the first one we were together for 9 years,I married him when I was only 18 and we have 2DS's,my parents turned against me when I kicked him out because they had no idea what he had been like,they let him move in with them and it took nearly a year before they kicked him out and saw why I couldn't put up with him(they thought they saw,I never told either of my DP's what he did to me and they've both passed now)he see's our sons sometimes,but that's only if he does the chasing,they call my DH Dad and they're much closer to him than they ever were they're Father.

Second DV relationship I was with him for 4 years and I kicked him out before I knew I was pregnant with my 4TH,I had no more to do with either of my ex's.

My now DH I've been with for nearly 13 years and he's the complete opposite to my ex's.

The biggest mistake I made was getting into the second relationship so soon after splitting up with my exH.When I met my now DH I had been on my own by choice for over 3 years,giving myself time,learning about who I am and what I want was the best decision I ever made.

He has no intention of hiring one. His intention is to use yours permanently.

Agrees

Go to the relationships board to ask about getting out of a DVR.

In the meantime, do not offer excuses or reasons why he can't have the car/your money etc. Just say 'no'. His problems have nothing to do with you. If he lets the kids down, its not your fault - they will learn that he's a useless twat - you need to show them you are strong and empowered!

Its totally understandable he has this hold over you because he has conditioned you with abuse - well done for kicking him out and well done for whatever you do next, amazing steps, be proud.

So....he came back with the children and told me he put his last £4.50 in the car for petrol!
Then I told him listen the relationship is over and you need to understand that and you are not using my car Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday actually NEVER!
To which he rang his FM in front of me saying "she has nuts mate! She doesn't even need to use her car it just a control thing with her! I know it is really important but nothing I can do, she got issues hasn't she!"
WTF to which I responded "no it is my fucking car , you had no right to arrange lifts to other people with out clarifying it with me first, it is not my problem your an adult and so is FM fucking deal with it!"
I told him he is selfish, he makes me cringe, fend for your self you adult child I'm not your mother , also I know you had no intention of hiring a car Thursday as if that was the case you would hire one Tuesday (Monday short notice) to which he stated he is not selfish he put his last £4.50 in petrol and took DC fishing, went and looked to hiring an allotment for the children(which I would of ended up paying for, which I would t have cause it great for them but besides the point).
So I am crazy, got issues and a bully and I'm controlling!
He has walked of to his friends house (normally I offer him a lift) muttering I have to walk miles now !
Explained I'm not helping him out financially either as he is leaving me out of pocket and DC our of pocket, to which I got "you get working tax and Child tax and CHB as I work part time that is the kids money and you spend that when ya go for coffees etc or the very very odd night of bingo which is cheapest night that is! And they are my kids just as much as your so it ok for you to buy this that and the other and you say in scrounging off my kids?!
AAAARRRHHHHH!!!!!

I HATE HIM !!!

Thank you all so so so so so so so so much.....couldn't of done that with out ya....😭....thank you...💐💐💐

Well done, he will be back with more but stay strong. You are doing the right thing for your sake, for his sake and importantly for the sake of your children.

Well done OP, job done! Ignore all of his protestations, it’s all bluster. Keep going and you’ll get there

Well done Op!

You've started now so that's the plaster ripped off as it were. Keep strong, remember this is modelling good relationships for your kids! The most important part! You don't want DC thinking this is normal

Oh, how they flap and flounder like a haddocks on dry land, gasping out crazy blame stuff about how "everything is your fault, you're mad, you owe him, it's all for the kids.." when they don't get their way.

Just ignore his shite. Well done for calling him and Adult child and drawing a line. Picture that floundering fish each time, now you've taken away his ability to swim in all your money.

It's your money, the DCs. Hes been stealing it by stealth
And your car, leaving you without it!

Glad you have opened your eyes. Zone out what he says. His fm is clearly as much a CF as him!!

He has just rang so I declined it and I texted him saying don't want to talk, got nothing to talk about unless it is about the kids!
To which I got a response of ;
Don't flatter yourself , it was about the kids , don't worry you have woke me up to what you are
To which I responded ;
*Send the text about the kids then!
*
... I've still got that caving in feeling though...but I'm not going to !
Think it more routine and trained into me , which I am going to conquer once and for all....