Friends sending their DS to school in a pinafore.

[RelentlessSylvia]

Friends (I'm pals with both halves of the couple) have a DS, 4.

He's starting primary after the summer and they've bought him pinafores rather than shorts or trousers. They've always bought him a range of clothes up to now - dresses, skirts, trousers, shorts, pink, blue and every other colour - and he's picked what he wants to wear every day. He has no concept that garments are gendered and just likes to wear what he likes to wear. I think this is great.

But they haven't bought a range of uniform items, they've bought him pinafores and tights. AIBU to think they are making a statement at the expense of their DS's choice? Shorts and trousers are, for better or worse, much less gendered items than dresses.

He is a lovely boy and a testament to their parenting. Both parents are proudly unorthodox and brilliant, brave people. But AIBU to think they're kinda using their son as a flag to wave to the rest of the school community, rather than giving him the option of being low-key?

Nursery have previously expressed concerns that my friends were forcing their DS to wear dresses. They weren't. He chooses his clothes from a range. It may be that they've said 'which style of uniform do you want?' and he's made a choice but sadly there is a huge context to gender and clothing that he isn't aware of, so it isn't a genuine choice?

AIB horrible and judgemental? I love that this kid can be who he wants to be. I just worry that he's going to become an object of ridicule and derision on his first day.

When the other kids make comments then it won't be bullying. It will be kids publicly asking him or an adult if he's a boy or girl because they won't know someone with a boy's name who wears dresses. When some kids go home and tell their families about this boy, they might overhear adults or older siblings use words like trans/drag queen to describe him. (Ru Paul's drag race is very popular)
Most kids at age 4 are not confident enough to say "I'm a boy but like dresses" to every person that he encounters in a school day and not give a shit. I'm surprised that any caring parent (who may have experienced awkward questions as a result of being queer) wouldn't help their child fit in.

A friend of mine has always tried to be a bit different. When we all started having kids she would buy the very opposite of stereotypical outfit, so say, a black skull top for a girl. She is a fab friend so it never bothered me, and I hate all the pink for girls blue for boys stuff too, so no bother.
She now has 2 daughters who are never in anything other than glitter, sparkly, pink, frilly fairy winged outfits .
She has gone with what the kids wanted! These parents sound like they are annoyingly different. Look at us, all alternative, and free thinking. But at the sake of an innocent child. They may be loving parents but they are also twats.

weddingring, saying "Prepare to be bullied" doesn't condone bullying. It's essentially a simple statement of fact. I would come down on my children like several tons of hot bricks if they bullied a classmate for this (or any other) reason, but that wouldn't prevent other children from doing so.

The thing is I'm sure there were similar conversations when girls started wearing trousers. If you really think gender is bollocks then I don't see the issue. And I really don't think they should force the boy to wear trousers if this is what he wants to do. Maybe he'll ask for them later. In the meantime, in a good school, the conversation will be that 'boys can wear dresses too'.

I work with children. There's a little boy with long hair. He likes playing with make up and likes pink. He's definitely still a boy. As a school we have casually conveyed to the kids that doing all of that doesn't make him a girl, and they get it. I have had short hair and wear trou

Oops, posted too soon. I wear trousers and say to the kids 'does that make me a boy?' and they agree 'no'

With the right language and talking points, kids accept this stuff pretty easily.

It would be naive to think he wouldn't be bullied!

I also wonder why these parents chose a dress for him for school given that previously he had a mixed wardrobe. They're trying to make a statement at their poor boys expense. What a pity that schools, given that they are usually very strict on what is acceptable to wear, allow this stupidity to happen. They seem to lay the law down on what girls can wear (shorts under skirts) rather than boys. Call me old fashioned but a dress on a little school boy is pathetic.

It sounds as though they don’t want him to fit in.

Even with short hair, the other children will think he's a boy if he wears a dress. He might not be bullied but the other children will be confused and therefore possibly wary of him.

School is definitely where the gender stereotypes come out whether we like it or not.

I think he will look back at his first few days of school as a sad time. There's enough to contend with starting school and by setting him apart from everyone else they could be setting him up for many years as an outsider.

I'm shocked at posters saying "prepared to bullied"- yes it's odd behaviour but they doesn't condone bullying.

Really? I mean really?

Surely you are clever enough to know that saying a child will be bullied does not equate to condoning the action

Diabolical, no more to be said......

Children are so different at different stages of their life. When they are really little they don't care what anybody thinks. They then go through a stage where they are terrified of being different to their friends. They often then change and want to stand out. Forcing lifestyle choices on children which they haven't made themselves and which they risk being bullied over is utterly cruel.

At school aged 5 I knew a boy who wore white knee socks with his shorts, and even that was enough for all the other boys to tell him he was a ‘girl’ (which was a massive insult, strangely).

He's a child not a fucking guinea pig. If they want to challenge gender stereotypes, good luck to them - they can challenge them for themselves. No need to involve their son.

Someone on here once said that some parents allow their kids “freedom” by tightly controlling their environment and influences and I found that very well observed.

Agreed.

I do know it’s sometimes hard for children and parents but you have to not put your children at a disadvantage in the first place if you can at all help it. I really feel sorry for your friends ds. They’re being “right on” about his dressing but spectacularly missing the point.

There's a huge difference in trousers on girls and dresses on boys.

I had a friend who usd to put her son in yellow ankle socks. The names he got called.

is his name Tarquin or Guinevere?

And are the parents called Malcolm and Cressida?

around here a lot of the younger boys are wearing t-bar shoes, i know way back that was the norm but i guess in the last twenty years or so it hasn't been so much of a thing but its very popular again at the moment, and it's so cute but bloody hell a pinafore?! if the child was already at school and asking to wear one then maybe slightly different situation but this poor little boy doesn't know what he's facing, and probably doesn't realise that other boys won't be wearing pinafores

So the little boy is loved, well-cared for and happy. You say the parents are loving, kind and devoted to him. Yet they are thrusting their already mildly vulnerable child into a situation where he is going to stick out like a sore thumb. That is one hell of an introduction to school life!

It’s as if they are using him as a way of goading other people into challenging them as a same sex couple and their lifestyle. What’s loving and caring about that?

If they see the world as a threatening place where gender stereotypes are damaging and conformation is to be avoided, why on earth don’t they home-school him? Possibly because they WANT to be seen as goady and challenging? It’s rather aggressive when you think about it.

Oh the irony.

They are setting there ds up for difficulty and for the teacher as well having to monitor the situation. To me it's selfishness in their ideology and about them.

The thing is I'm sure there were similar conversations when girls started wearing trousers. If you really think gender is bollocks then I don't see the issue. And I really don't think they should force the boy to wear trousers if this is what he wants to do. Maybe he'll ask for them later. In the meantime, in a good school, the conversation will be that 'boys can wear dresses too'.
Adult women were wearing trousers routinely before anyone considered sending 4 yr old girls to school in them. If the dad wanted to wear dresses to work I think we'd all applaud him. You don't start gender revolutions by using unwitting 4 yr olds. If the child decided he wanted to wear dresses after settling in and seeing that all the other boys had trousers I'd also say good for him.
Even the other way round, we sent DD in dresses to start with (not unwillingly, just by default; sounds like this little boy is similarly willing to wear either), then let her choose once she'd checked out the environment and got to know people. Even girls wearing trousers is going against the cultural grain still in primary, particularly younger primary. DD is now one of two in her year who do (just finishing yr1).
Unfortunately the narrative he's likely to get in school these days is just as likely to be "sometimes girls are born in a boy's body" or "do you feel like a girl or a boy inside?" as "boys can wear dresses too". And from the other kids with less enlightened families he'll get a barrage of "you're a girl". My kids did for much more minor infringements of tribal rules. (DS having a red coat; DD having closed style school shoes, actually from the girls' department specially coded with hearts on but still "boys' shoes" according to reception lore, and when she had a short haircut.)

Sounds like they want some sort of confrontation so they can take the school to court and claim compo.

Poor child. This makes me so sad for him.