Friends sending their DS to school in a pinafore.

[RelentlessSylvia]

Friends (I'm pals with both halves of the couple) have a DS, 4.

He's starting primary after the summer and they've bought him pinafores rather than shorts or trousers. They've always bought him a range of clothes up to now - dresses, skirts, trousers, shorts, pink, blue and every other colour - and he's picked what he wants to wear every day. He has no concept that garments are gendered and just likes to wear what he likes to wear. I think this is great.

But they haven't bought a range of uniform items, they've bought him pinafores and tights. AIBU to think they are making a statement at the expense of their DS's choice? Shorts and trousers are, for better or worse, much less gendered items than dresses.

He is a lovely boy and a testament to their parenting. Both parents are proudly unorthodox and brilliant, brave people. But AIBU to think they're kinda using their son as a flag to wave to the rest of the school community, rather than giving him the option of being low-key?

Nursery have previously expressed concerns that my friends were forcing their DS to wear dresses. They weren't. He chooses his clothes from a range. It may be that they've said 'which style of uniform do you want?' and he's made a choice but sadly there is a huge context to gender and clothing that he isn't aware of, so it isn't a genuine choice?

AIB horrible and judgemental? I love that this kid can be who he wants to be. I just worry that he's going to become an object of ridicule and derision on his first day.

Without gender. Ffs. Really? How is this done exactly?

OP, is the dad also wearing pinafores and dresses to work?

I've bought my DD a range of clothes to start school. I bought a pinifore and a skirt but also trousers and shorts. The pinifores are so cute but not sure how practical. I think the reality is when shes hanging upside down on the school climbing frame she will want trousers or shorts like everyone else seems to wear. So yes boy or girl pinifore only not a wholly practical choice.

It is hardly brilliant or brave to use a child who knows no different and trusts you 100% to make your point, and show off your "proudly orthodox" credentials.

People can be who they want to be, IF they know and fully understand the decisions they are making. This child does not. And he is 4. He is not transgender. This is what children do. My brother went through a stage of wearing my dresses when he was about 7. My other brother went through a stage of thinking he was a bloody train. My son went through a period of about 6 weeks when he was about 5 refusing to answer to anything but Abigail. Kids do at that age. What they do not need is a diagnosis at such a young age that will alter the course of their entire life.

No, he should not be bullied for wearing a dress, and in Reception probably/hopefully will not be. But within society there are certain expectations. And I am not saying we should all conform. But they have chosen to send him to school. I just think you need to be old enough to understand the choice you are making and WHY others may look twice at you.

It may be that they've said 'which style of uniform do you want?' and he's made a choice

Seriously, if they didn’t come across as monumental twats before, if I heard them asking this of a 4-year-old, it would seal it for me.

My question is why a pinafore?At least in a skirt he would look the same as all the others,boys and girls when sat down and could therefore forget gender.
As for tights!A four yr old will have difficulty getting them on after or and a pinafore and tights will make it difficult to has a pee unless he sits down.

DD and DSS first school said they preferred trousers on everyone instead of skirts and tights especially on days when they had PE.

Are you sure that the ds hasn't inferred to the nursery school teachers that he is being coerced into choosing dresses and skirts.

I actually think this is child cruelty. Problem being it isn't PC to question gender or clothing choices and I doubt you would get a straight answer out of a 4 year old who just wants to please his parents

Your ‘friends’ sound pretentious prats! I couldn’t be arsed with them. I was already outwardly groaning at “he’s picked what he wants to wear”. They should try some actual parenting, instead of trying to befriend their poor abused son. The tragedy is, they think they are better parents for this. They are not.

I don't see the big deal.

If other kids tease him for what he wears, the school will need to come down on them for it. Maybe the kid feels strongly enough about this to put up with teasing; many children are willing to stick up for what they want in the face of teasing and I don't think they should be discouraged from doing that if they are willing and able to. If it turns out that he would rather conform than be teased, he has that option. His parents have always given him choices up to now, so there's no reason to suppose they would refuse a request to buy shorts.

I assume that the reason the parents haven't invested in a range of school uniform is because their child is saying he just wants dresses, and they don't want to waste money on things that may not get used. I too would only buy the minimum uniform I thought my kid would need, and buy more only if it turns out to be wanted.

It seems very defeatist to assume in the first instance 1) that a child will be bullied for what he wears, 2) that the school staff won't be able to put a stop to that bullying, 3) that the child won't be able to tolerate his peers' behaviour, and 4) that his parents won't support him if he later decides to conform. I don't deny that some children do suffer terribly because of bullying, but why automatically assume that that is going to happen, and seek to limit a child's choices from the outset out of fear that all of the above will happen?

But what if he doesn't want to wear it but has been given no choice

We had a mum who did this to her youngest child, a boy. She had two older girls. I knew the mum really well and got on well with her.
Her son had shoulder length hair and his sisters liked to put his hair in bunches and he was quite happy to let them.
When he started school he came in on the first day in a skirt and hair in bunches. Mum said "it's what he wanted". He spent the day being told to get out of the boys toilet and trying to insist that he was a boy, but mum kept sending him in in skirt and bunches.
The Monday of the second week he had shorter hair and was wearing shorts and was much happier.

I know I am going back 10+ years but pinafores were a definite No even for girls. I don't know anyone who wore them unless it was part of a private school uniform

I think as far as bullying is concerned, it depends very much on the school and the culture there. If this happened at the primary my dc go to, there would no doubt be a few raised eyebrows and whispers amongst the parents in the playground, and the other kids would probably ask him why he was wearing a dress, but after a couple of days it would be yesterday’s news. Any bullying would be stamped out sharpish by the school.
It’s a very kind, friendly and accepting place.

Ds chose a girl’s winter coat when he was in reception - glamorous faux fur thing from Zara Girls (I had my reservations about practicality but it washed like a dream). He wore it for two entire winters and he wasn’t teased for a moment - he did get lots of attention; loads of hugs from the other children who couldn’t keep their hands off the fur. Other parents would tell me ‘he’s so cute and funny in that coat’.

The difference is choice. Ds chose that coat - begged me to buy it, and he had already been in reception for a couple of months so had established his friends and confidence in the class. The little boy in the op has had this choice made for him by his parents, which is wrong.

"Without gender. Ffs. Really? How is this done exactly?"
Just as the OP says: buy them a range of things, don't attach any value to one choice over another. One couple I know is keeping the sex of the child secret.
In theory I should be all for it- because gender roles are bollocks. But in practice- I think they're putting a lot of unnessacary pressure on themselves as parents and on their child down the line- who will have to navigate the incongruence between his/her parents values and the outside world.
I've seen some parents navigate that particular difficulty by homeschooling, which gives me pause as it's almost like setting off down a road of increasing isolation. Someone on here once said that some parents allow their kids "freedom" by tightly controlling their environment and influences and I found that very well observed.
One of the sets of parents I know-the male partner is trans so I do wonder how gender neutral this all is really. If the kid shows a preference for the stuff stereotypically associated with the opposite sex- will they send him/her down a path to transition?

Saracen I don't think at 4yo he'll have strong views about wearing a skirt.**

@Nofunkingworriesmate
He’s 4!!

Is no one else slightly suspicious that the OP hasn’t come back? seems like perfect DM material if you ask me

I don't think the hair length has anything to do with this. Ds has waist length hair. He always has. I was blamed by other mothers of boys (jokingly) for starting a trend with the boys for growing their hair and refusing to go for hair cuts.

OP are you talking about my neighbour? She dressed her then 3 year old boy up as little red riding hood for Halloween last year, and my child thought he was a girl 🤔

Poor kid.

I'm sorry but to me this is almost abusive.

Fair enough if your child is old enough to identify as female and wants to wear dresses. But to intentionally only buy girls clothing for a boy when they aren't old enough to understand is just plain wrong.
The world has just gone crazy! This poor kid is going to be roasted when he starts school!

What's wrong with bringing a boy up as a boy??? I really don't get all this gender neutral bollocks, parents of boys hiding all the footballs and passing out barbies? Boys will be boys and girls will be girls and sometimes it crosses over a little but I just don't see the point in pushing it.

Yes where’s OP?

No problem with him wearing a dress and tights but they’re bloody
Uncomfortable which why DD wears shorts or trousers. Kids that age should dress for comfort and practicality.

brave well no they aren't . I am brave, if there was a rabid tiger walking down my street I would go out there and stab it with a paring knife. Fortunately no one is ever going to expect me to do this, just as no one is expecting this child's parents to walk out of the house and go to work wearing a tutu , clown shoes and no underwear. Being brave for something you are not doing yourself doesn't count. Clearly these parents were standing behind the door when the empathy gene was handed out.

As others have said, kids classmates pick up on eccentricities , as do teachers, other parents, older children , the lollipop crossing person etc etc. Other posters have mentioned children who felt uncomfortable wearing the 'wrong' clothes, eg underwear, cardigans. I had a child who refused to wear a pair of summer sandals after his friend told them they were girls shoes. It shouldn't matter, but it does, big time.

Poor little boy.

Oy gevalt!
Make it stop!

Serious question.... at what point will social services look into things like this? Seriously, parents screwing childrens heads up just to look 'cool'. Absolutely disgusting.