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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This ridiculous mum situation

159 replies

causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 10:22

So I'll try and keep this brief but there's quite a backstory!

I don't know how to describe my mum but she has always treated treated me and my siblings like her personal assistants basically. I was the last to move out and by that point, she was having me do all sorts like rolling all her cigarettes, sorting all of her general life admin, grooming her dogs, dying her hair, the list is endless. She was massively controlling, I at 21 years of age obviously liked going out socialising, seeing family, to the gym etc and she would give me the silent treatment every time. I'd go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive in some ways.

Cut to now, 8 years down the line. I'm married with 2 children (she didn't come to my wedding because she didn't want to leave her dogs), my brother is successful working full time, my sister has a successful career and owns her own home. We've all done really well for ourselves I'd say but we all live very busy lives as you can imagine! She's never been happy for any of us. She complained when my sister was saving her deposit, as she resented that she (mum) had debt, why couldn't my sister give her money?!

Some of you might remember my post a while back about her basically refusing to come to mine ever (I don't drive so had been catching a bus weekly with 2 babies for well over a year) to visit her grandchildren but complaining to everyone who would listen, about how she didn't see them enough. Well the end result of that was her refusing and not speaking to me for weeks. For clarity, she works 2 days a week and then 3 days a week on rotation, so plenty of spare time. No hobbies or other commitments.

She's recently decided to throw her toys out of the pram because I've not seen her for a month (we'd been given notice to quit and were frantically house viewing with every spare moment and then moving). My sister had been going through some difficulties with her marriage and my brother has just gone through a messy break up. All valid reasons for everyone to not be at her beck and call in my opinion.

My brother phoned me this morning saying basically shes decided she needs to be on her own now, she loves us but goodbye she's having nothing to do with any of us. So in her own head she's though fuck the lot of them, no ones been to see me, I'm done with them. Yet never speaks to any of us unless she wants something!

I don't think I am, but AIBU to think fine that's that? Part of me feels guilty but I'm sick of being manipulated by her like I have my whole life. I feel sorry for her that she has nothing in her life more interesting than slagging us all off to each other. But it's all her own doing and I'm just at the end of the line with all her petty, imagined drama.

OP posts:
causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 10:23

Star for anyone who got to the end of all that!

OP posts:
TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 21/07/2018 10:25

Yeah, whatever mother.

When you don't come running something will happen that will mean you have to go running...

Maelstrop · 21/07/2018 10:26

Tbh, I think at least a break will do you all good. It’ll save you having to run round after her and it’ll make her realise how amazing you’ve been to look after her as you have for so long. Take a break, you sound like you’ll all benefit.

FrogsSpawnofSanta · 21/07/2018 10:26

I'd just leave her to it. Sounds like your life will be less stressful without her.

Soubriquet · 21/07/2018 10:27

Let her crack on. She will soon come running back if you don't chase her.

I would be going low contact with her tbh. She sounds exhausting

PaulRuddislush · 21/07/2018 10:27

She's probably done that for a reaction, you're all expected to run round and apologise for your terrible negligence. Let her get on with it.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 21/07/2018 10:28

Op she sounds awful. I really think you and your family will be much happier without her in your lives

Keeptrudging · 21/07/2018 10:28

I'd just leave her to it. She sounds like really hard work. She's now having a drama, possibly in the hope that you'll all clamour round her. I wouldn't rise to the bait, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate without having to deal with this too.

easterholidays · 21/07/2018 10:29

I think a break sounds like a great idea, but I suspect that if her announcement doesn't have you all running to dance attendance on her she'll quickly change her tune and try to find a new way to provoke an argument. If you can take her at her word and maintain low or no contact your life will be easier and more pleasant and she'll only have herself to blame for it!

easterholidays · 21/07/2018 10:29

Oh, cross-posted with everybody Smile

causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 10:31

I said exactly that to my brother, I feel this is just another way she is trying to manipulate us. Our first thought is 'what if she does something stupid' thanks to threats she's made in the past. But I can't allow that to be a hold on me anymore. I think it's fucked up that her kids should even have that cross their minds!!

OP posts:
Cawfee · 21/07/2018 10:31

She’s abusive. If I was you I’d message her and say “this isn’t good enough. You are a mother and a grandmother. It’s time to act like it. You behave like the world owes you something. It doesn’t. You’ve treated me like an idiot/slave my entire life. Please go see a therapist for help with your attitude and emotions because the way you behave and speak is not normal. You need help. When you’ve done that and can step up to having a normal/healthy relationship with me, I will be here”
It’s time to stop indulging her ridiculous behaviour

Seasawride · 21/07/2018 10:31

You reap what you sow and that’s never more true than in parenting.

Let her stew op. She will come running back when she needs something

youropinionspleease · 21/07/2018 10:31

That sounds really stressful for you. I'm sorry to read all that as it does sound very controlling and verging on emotional abuse.

Some space for you is definitely what's needed- leave her to it. Let her realise that you're all over the moon that she's fucked off for a while.

causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 10:34

@Cawfee that message is completely nail on head! Unfortunately she is completely unable to see things from other people's perspective and will never ever change.

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CompletelyKate · 21/07/2018 10:34

She sounds like a nightmare and you, your siblings and children all need a break from her manipulation. I would leave her to stew.

Oldraver · 21/07/2018 10:34

Are you and your siblings not dancing around at the thought of some peace ?

PositivelyPERF · 21/07/2018 10:35

No doubt she’ll have a ‘suspected’ heart attack or ‘possible’ cancer diagnoses, when you don’t come running. There will also be the flying monkeys, telling you how terribly upset she is. 🙄

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 21/07/2018 10:36

YANBU. Some space sounds very healthy for you and your siblings so if your Mum is going to voluntarily give it to you all the better.

causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 10:36

@Oldraver I actually am a little bit. It's like an itch at the back of my brain constantly 'oh best call/go see mum or she'll go on a downward spiral' but now she has taken that decision out of my hands.

The sad fact is none of us want to spend time with her because she is draining, negative and just generally not a nice person to be around sometimes.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 21/07/2018 10:37

Of course you shouldn’t feel guilty. When I read the part where you said she didn’t speak to you for weeks, I thought ‘I bet they were the best few weeks of OP’s life’. I would have encouraged you, after reading that, to cut contact if you were questioning it but the fact that she’s the one doing it, even better. It’s probably just drama though and she’ll be back in your life after a bit moaning and tantrumming.

RandomMess · 21/07/2018 10:37

I would make the most of the peace from her tbh!

causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 10:38

@MissionItsPossible this may sound callous but I'm actually tempted now to think right - block her number, no contact ever again. It's not the first time she's been like this and I think, how dare she treat us like this. I'm sick of forgiving and forgetting for arguments sake.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 21/07/2018 10:42

She sounds very toxic, I would distance myself from her.

hornbeam · 21/07/2018 10:45

You seem to have a good relationship with your siblings, I'd leave it at that and ignore her dramatics.