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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This ridiculous mum situation

159 replies

causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 10:22

So I'll try and keep this brief but there's quite a backstory!

I don't know how to describe my mum but she has always treated treated me and my siblings like her personal assistants basically. I was the last to move out and by that point, she was having me do all sorts like rolling all her cigarettes, sorting all of her general life admin, grooming her dogs, dying her hair, the list is endless. She was massively controlling, I at 21 years of age obviously liked going out socialising, seeing family, to the gym etc and she would give me the silent treatment every time. I'd go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive in some ways.

Cut to now, 8 years down the line. I'm married with 2 children (she didn't come to my wedding because she didn't want to leave her dogs), my brother is successful working full time, my sister has a successful career and owns her own home. We've all done really well for ourselves I'd say but we all live very busy lives as you can imagine! She's never been happy for any of us. She complained when my sister was saving her deposit, as she resented that she (mum) had debt, why couldn't my sister give her money?!

Some of you might remember my post a while back about her basically refusing to come to mine ever (I don't drive so had been catching a bus weekly with 2 babies for well over a year) to visit her grandchildren but complaining to everyone who would listen, about how she didn't see them enough. Well the end result of that was her refusing and not speaking to me for weeks. For clarity, she works 2 days a week and then 3 days a week on rotation, so plenty of spare time. No hobbies or other commitments.

She's recently decided to throw her toys out of the pram because I've not seen her for a month (we'd been given notice to quit and were frantically house viewing with every spare moment and then moving). My sister had been going through some difficulties with her marriage and my brother has just gone through a messy break up. All valid reasons for everyone to not be at her beck and call in my opinion.

My brother phoned me this morning saying basically shes decided she needs to be on her own now, she loves us but goodbye she's having nothing to do with any of us. So in her own head she's though fuck the lot of them, no ones been to see me, I'm done with them. Yet never speaks to any of us unless she wants something!

I don't think I am, but AIBU to think fine that's that? Part of me feels guilty but I'm sick of being manipulated by her like I have my whole life. I feel sorry for her that she has nothing in her life more interesting than slagging us all off to each other. But it's all her own doing and I'm just at the end of the line with all her petty, imagined drama.

OP posts:
chocolatemademefat · 21/07/2018 10:50

Once a manipulator always a manipulator. My mother regularly breaks contact with me and I look on those times as a break. When you don’t pander to her imagined drama she’ll soon be back in touch. Enjoy the break!

MissionItsPossible · 21/07/2018 10:50

@causeimunderyourspell it’s not callous at all and you shouldn’t feel guilty. If what I read is true - and there’s probably way more instances than what you posted - I’d think you were a saint (and mad) for continuing to put up with it.

Snowysky20009 · 21/07/2018 10:51

Sounds like my dm, I've been NC for 2 years now. No more head fuckery and it's bliss.
Do as she asks, it will back fire on her. But as my exdp said to me at the time- you have your own babies to look after. Would you treat them like this?......

rainforesttreeswinging · 21/07/2018 10:52

I have a similar situation and the ONLY thing that works is holding your mother and all her issues at arms length. Not in a way that impacts you negatively but consciously deciding how much air time this woman has. It might be that you visit once a year or never.

It is time you took control finally.

This is your life and you are busy, and no you can not accommodate her anymore. You set the boundaries now, you decide how much or how little she sees you, and now not available to be a dogsbody anymore. I would advise your siblings too, as no doubt they will hear the backlash.

And there will be a backlash as she sees that you mean it, you will hear all sorts of threats and abuse and woe is me. Be firm, be distant and put this toxic woman in her place (as far away from you and your family as practically possible) I would advise NC but not sure you are ready for this, but there are so many options you have.

I have decided to be kind to my parents, but I don't see them, because they are a toxic influence on my otherwise happy life. I do a sort of half measure of seeing them once a year, sometimes not even that.

You get to decide what happens in YOUR life op.

Now is the perfect time to press the reset button, give she has been allowed to get away with being abusive for a very long time.

senua · 21/07/2018 10:54

My brother phoned me this morning saying basically ...

This is hearsay. Your mother hasn't said anything directly to you. So there is nothing to react to. Carry on as you were ignoring her.

Knittedfairies · 21/07/2018 10:57

Just call her bluff and let her get on with it.9

tattyheadsmum · 21/07/2018 10:57

What are your siblings planning on doing, OP?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 21/07/2018 10:58

YANBU. Don't feel guilty - unless you are holding something back, you have nothing to feel guilty about. She will be back, I'm sure. In the meantime if you are struggling with the guilty feelings (I get why you do) then send her a brief message saying DB has explained her situation, you respect that, and are here if she changes her mind in the future.

CarpeVitam · 21/07/2018 11:02

What @Cawfee said, that's spot on OP!

BlueJava · 21/07/2018 11:05

I wouldn't say "fine, that's that" as in for ever. But I would take the peace whilst you can get it. She'll be back soon enough so take any distance you can. Good luck with move and baby.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2018 11:05

Oh dear. She’s really cocked up this time. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. You’re doing really well.

wiccamum · 21/07/2018 11:06

YADNBU. Reading your post sounded so much like my situation with my mother, so 💐for you first of all. My mother doesn’t act like a parent or grandparent, shows so little interest in my life or my dd. It’s heart breaking. The last straw came a couple of nights ago when I called her, as I hadn’t heard from her after sending her news of dds SATS results. She was just plain nasty on the phone, and I have run out of energy to fight her. I have taken comfort from PPs, describing the feeling of release and bliss from letting go of toxic people in your life. You owe her nothing, she’s taken so much from you. Don’t feel guilty op, take back control and enjoy the life YOU have built for yourself.

BMW6 · 21/07/2018 11:07

Sorry but your mother IS an abuser. Tell her to jog on.

MissionItsPossible · 21/07/2018 11:08

Now is the perfect time to press the reset button, give she has been allowed to get away with being abusive for a very long time.

This sums up your situation for me.

UpstartCrow · 21/07/2018 11:09

I know it's tempting to message her but don't. It just prolongs the drama and gives them something to react to.
Take her statement at face value and let her get on with it.

causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 11:09

@tattyheadsmum I don't know to be honest as I've not spoken to my sister yet. My brother was feeling guilty as well but I explained to him how I felt manipulated. He told me that she came to his looking upset, wouldn't speak to him and then left suddenly. He immediately went round to hers and she ignored the door. Wtf?!

OP posts:
causeimunderyourspell · 21/07/2018 11:11

@senua and @UpstartCrow that's what I'm thinking. She's not even had the decency to tell me her plans so I guess she's assuming my brother would be the messenger. I'm not going to give her anything else to use for her 'woe is me' so I'll just not say a word

OP posts:
Mummyof0ne · 21/07/2018 11:11

Yea I'd let her get on with it! Seems less
Stressful to have her out of your lives

She's made her bed, let her lie in it x

jelliebelly · 21/07/2018 11:15

Just let her get on with it and enjoy the lack of drama in your life

RandomMess · 21/07/2018 11:15

Master manipulator isn't she!

Loonoon · 21/07/2018 11:18

Let her crack on and reap what she has sowed. Sadly she’ll probably pop back up again soon but for the time being enjoy the peace and quiet.

trulybadlydeeply · 21/07/2018 11:22

Just because she gave birth to you, she does not have the right to treat you like this, and for you to have to put up with years of abuse and drama.

This is someone who wouldn't even go to your wedding, and won't make any effort at all to see her grandchildren??? (is there any reason at all why she couldn't get on the bus and make the journey instead of you?) Do not waste any more of your time or energy on this woman. Don't make any contact at all, and as others have said she will soon think of the next ploy to get you running to her. Do not be dragged in. I hope your siblings can be equally strong.

senua · 21/07/2018 11:22

Actually, I'm going to backtrack.
You could contact her and say: I hear from DBro that "you have decided you need to be on your own now, you love us but goodbye you're having nothing to do with any of us". Say that's fine and we respect your wishes. If you do decide to change your mind please ensure that it is for a positive reason, not because you want something from us.

That should stall the heart attack / cancer scare games.

Annasgirl · 21/07/2018 11:23

I would just leave her at it. While you have some space perhaps read daughter of a narcissistic mother - apparently very helpful.

It's great that you and your siblings are close to each other - my aunt was like this but she loved creating rivalry between her children as an added stress - so much so that she died a couple of months ago and had changed her will at the last minute to create a row, even beyond the grave manipulating the situation!

Try to enjoy the peace and do not feel guilty - you have done more than enough for her.

amusedbush · 21/07/2018 11:24

I have a narcissist for a mother so I totally understand the feeling of being manipulated by a parent!

Personally I would just let her get on with it. Leave her to stew. No doubt she'll come crawling back when she realises that nobody is going to go running to her, begging her to change her mind. People like your mum (and mine!) need an audience for their bullshit.

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