This ridiculous mum situation

[causeimunderyourspell]

So I'll try and keep this brief but there's quite a backstory!

I don't know how to describe my mum but she has always treated treated me and my siblings like her personal assistants basically. I was the last to move out and by that point, she was having me do all sorts like rolling all her cigarettes, sorting all of her general life admin, grooming her dogs, dying her hair, the list is endless. She was massively controlling, I at 21 years of age obviously liked going out socialising, seeing family, to the gym etc and she would give me the silent treatment every time. I'd go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive in some ways.

Cut to now, 8 years down the line. I'm married with 2 children (she didn't come to my wedding because she didn't want to leave her dogs), my brother is successful working full time, my sister has a successful career and owns her own home. We've all done really well for ourselves I'd say but we all live very busy lives as you can imagine! She's never been happy for any of us. She complained when my sister was saving her deposit, as she resented that she (mum) had debt, why couldn't my sister give her money?!

Some of you might remember my post a while back about her basically refusing to come to mine ever (I don't drive so had been catching a bus weekly with 2 babies for well over a year) to visit her grandchildren but complaining to everyone who would listen, about how she didn't see them enough. Well the end result of that was her refusing and not speaking to me for weeks. For clarity, she works 2 days a week and then 3 days a week on rotation, so plenty of spare time. No hobbies or other commitments.

She's recently decided to throw her toys out of the pram because I've not seen her for a month (we'd been given notice to quit and were frantically house viewing with every spare moment and then moving). My sister had been going through some difficulties with her marriage and my brother has just gone through a messy break up. All valid reasons for everyone to not be at her beck and call in my opinion.

My brother phoned me this morning saying basically shes decided she needs to be on her own now, she loves us but goodbye she's having nothing to do with any of us. So in her own head she's though fuck the lot of them, no ones been to see me, I'm done with them. Yet never speaks to any of us unless she wants something!

I don't think I am, but AIBU to think fine that's that? Part of me feels guilty but I'm sick of being manipulated by her like I have my whole life. I feel sorry for her that she has nothing in her life more interesting than slagging us all off to each other. But it's all her own doing and I'm just at the end of the line with all her petty, imagined drama.

It reminds me so much of a situation a young friend is in with her mother. Step away, if you feel brave enough. You have your own life and family to consider. These people are not right in their minds. Until they can see that and seek help, they will continue to cause you hurt and damage. You’ve done your best. You sound a lovely and caring person.

You need to try to not dwell on it. Perhaps write your thoughts down then they are done with. It is stressful and a waste of effort to try and second guess what she might do next, or whether this is the end of your relationship forever. As long as you are wondering about her behaviour and discussing it with siblings she still has control.
Write stuff down. Put it away in a drawer. Get on with your life.

She sounds hard work and definitely a selfish woman with little to no empathy and not a very good mother. You owe her nothing. Do you still have contact with your Dad? At least you have your siblings and you will all probably be happier without her in your life. Her dogs are her priority. How can a mother not go to her own daughters wedding because of her dogs?!!!

Trying to manipulate you all.... she thinks by doing this you will all come around and do her bidding to keep on her 'good' side (does she have one!

Enjoy your own life, good luck with the move and ignore her tantrums until she grows up

Narcissist. My mother threatened suicide so many times we got to the stage where we thought - “please just do it if that’s what you want”.
Sad. However after she very nearly died on one of her attempts she stopped doing this and lived another 30 years

It sounds like you've had an awful time and she's been manipulative. Take some time for yourself. You might feel up and down about it all, but this was her decision anyway.

It's up to you, but personally, I'd probably send a note, just to say 'I respect your wishes etc, hope we can talk in a positive way in the future.' Leave the door open for the possibility of a healthier future relationship.

And remember, in the words of the therapist in Good Will Hunting: 'it's not your fault.'

It's so sad to hear so many of your stories with so many similarities to my own. I really appreciate all the messages though so thank you so much.

To answer a few who asked about my dad - he is truly amazing, I love him to absolute pieces. He is a saint for how long he put up with my mums controlling and self-serving behaviour. But he did it for us because he knew her better than anyone. My mum was unfortunately the - have kids, get a council house kind. He says their relationship would have been over pretty quick had it not been for us (all close age gaps between us siblings)

He is alive and well and in a very happy marriage with my step mother who we all adore. I'm so glad they met as he deserves to be happy more than anyone I know.

It's a manipulation tactic by your mom. Enjoy your relationship with your siblings and leave your mom get on with it. She will need you before you need her. Her behaviour is emotionally controlling and when she doesn't get her own way she chucks her toys out of the pram. Ignore her. When she rings (which she will) behaving like it's all your faults just tell her you are hanging up and to ring when she can speak to you properly. Quite frankly it's been going on so long that it's time you all broke the habit and let her get on with it

My mother is pure evil. She lives in a selfish bubble and ruins every life she gets close to. She has no friends or family and has got worse the older she gets. Two years ago she gave me an ultimatum that I chose her or my dp (six weeks after our daughter had been born). I chose my family and not speaking to her has been the best thing I've ever done. I feel guilty sometimes but I'm now free of her drama and bs. I still hear stories about her on the grapevine, but nothing will make me want to see her again. It's an awful thing to have to go through, but neither you or your children need the negativity.

Sounds like you are best off out of this situation. I can understand that it's such a difficult place to be in, but, like you said, you are being manipulated. If you keep going back to her, things will only get worse. You have your family to think about, and she needs to know that she doesn't come first.
I have no idea how people think it's ok to treat their grown up kids this way. It truly baffles me. I wish you all the best op. Set yourself free from this cycle of guilt and control, it's not good for you.

Just going back to an earlier message where you were worried she would threaten to “do something” - I was in a toxic friendship and was worried sick about this.

Luckily I am friends with a wonderful therapist at work. She told me to STOP. Nobody is responsible for another person’s actions. All I was doing was feeding into my friend’s control.

I’m not exactly NC because I couldn’t bring myself to abandon her but I DO ignore her threats now.

The silent treatment is controlling, like the rest of the stuff. Would you benefit from not having her in your life? If you keep in contact, the other active controlling behaviour will return. Maybe work out your terms, preferably with siblings. Mail them to her. Stick to them.

OP, she is emotionally abusing you and your siblings, and I think you do know this. Cases such as this are well documented, have a search on google for the golden child syndrome and you will understand what's going on. Meanwhile, the only way to go is No Contact. If you plead, argue or tell her what you think, you are giving her what she wants - attention. Just walk away. Ignore the histrionics. It's the only way. Good luck OP

I am not close to either of my parents because although I think they love me, they only had my brother and I to fulfil their societal duty. They didn't spend much money on us as children, and there wasn't many hugs or affection. We never say, love you. My dad is an uptight sort, a bit bigoted and racist. My mum is also a bigot and very selfish. I fell out with my mum spectacularly when she assumed she could stay at my flat with a friend so they could go to an exhibition in the city...didn't even ask me, just presumed. Her daughter in law's family has property in Spain and she presumed she would get a free holiday. When she doesn't get her own way she gets the instant sulks and flounces a lot. It's her way, or no way. She doesn't like drinking alcohol so no-one can drink alcohol. She doesn't like eating meat so no-one can eat meat. She was doing some drawing with my daughter and because my daughter wanted to do something different she got the hump because the picture didn't turn out how she wanted it.

I now keep her at arms length on WhatsApp. I don't visit home anymore. My dad is living with cancer and although Mum beats on about how difficult it is, really, he gets more bother with his arthritis than the cancer. (It's being kept back with medication)

My brother lives 5 minutes down the road and barely visits either. He has two teenage children. My mum and dad always have cause to criticise them too. They love criticising my brother, who though not a great achiever is happy with his lot. I suspect racism is involved because the kids have mixed heritage. My mother has denied their ethnicity in the past. She won't acknowledge their black history. Makes me sick.

I can be selfish and controlling too. I don't want to be but it's there. My dh calls it out. I try and change but it's hard. Sometimes I am having a fit over something and realise I sound like my mother. What a legacy. I am often ashamed.

To be honest she sounds like a textbook psychopath or on the spectrum at least. They're manipulative, self obsessed, narcissistic and lacking in empathy or remorse. Her primary concern in life is probably herself.

If this is an accurate picture then you're probably right to step away because there is nothing you can do to make her change. She'll always be this way and always lash out at anyone who stops serving her interests.

If she, or anyone else asks you about the situation, I’d just reply, ‘It’s sad but we respect her/your decision.’

Then keep ignoring.

I’m predicting a health scare too.

The 3 of you need to turn the table around and tell her if she doesn't get help and change, then you guys are done with her. I'm sure that will not be the reaction she is expecting.

Oh this sounds exhausting. I would take her lead and let that be that. If she pulls you on it just simply remind her that was her choice, id leave drama out of it
It sounds like she thrives on drama.
I maybe out of place here but please when you have time Google 'personality disorders' and symptoms of. Reading between the lines I feel there may be more going on with your mother. X

Oh yes she definitely has some major issues - I've even said to my sister that I think she is a psychopath. She just has her own reality where everything is personal and about her. Can never be wrong and can never apologise.

Some of the stuff she comes out with is almost laughable. I can remember scenarios from when I was younger but her interpretation and recital of them is completely at odds with my factual memories.

She offered to have my DC all week when I went back to work from maternity. I knew she wouldn't cope so we settled on just Wednesdays. She then went round telling anyone with ears, that we had cried out for help from her as we weren't coping, and that she knew it would happen. Needless to say, I put the DC in nursery as I didn't want her to have any influence on them anyway.

I only found out about this, this weekend, and to say I was fuming was an understatement! How fucking dare she, my children are happy, well cared for and we cope perfectly fine. I couldn't believe she'd stoop so low after everything I have done for her over the years.

Maybe this break will do you all some good.

OP, I’d like to add a resource that’s helped me with the same kind of family member.

In essence I think we (good girls) tend to get caught up in spirals of guilt in our heads over these relationships. We can’t seemingly help but over-analyse, interpret the past, extrapolate into the future. Basically, drive ourselves crazy. Haven’t our mums done a great job, they don’t even have to be near us to manipulate the hell out of us!

Remember this when you’re doubting yourself over whether you should be trying to help her more- You didn’t cause her issues, You can’t control her issues, You can’t cure her issues. It’s actually a kind of arrogance on our part that we think we are ‘part of the solution’.

In fact, there’s something to be said for you all holding firm contact boundaries with her, if you want to help her. Only when she’s got no one left to manipulate, and is stuck with her own boring company, might she give introspection a go. I doubt she’s capable of a real turnaround, but even her own self-interest may prompt her to tone down her bastardry a bit.

Good luck, and maybe browse the Out of The FOG website if you feel like it.

Wow @Skittlesandbeer that was so eloquent and helpful, thank you

Cause google narcissist parent. It's a bit of a shock to the system but helps put so much in place. I spent some time mourning the fact of never have the same sort of relationships my friends had with their parents but then saw that it didn't have to be that way with my own x

My advice got what it's worth, is, you've done enough for your dm and you've also put up with enough from her. She's said she doesn't want anything to do with any of you so I'd take that way out and cut all ties. You've put up with and done more than enough so dont feel guilty and don't let her manipulate her way back o. Enjoy your life with your dad and his wife. Your children do not need to be around such negativaty from your dm. Good luck op and stay firm and strong x

Thank you a strange one but a question that pops into my head none the less - she will most likely still buy my DC presents for birthdays and Christmas, how would you deal with this situation?

I'm inclined to think no - I don't want my DC to grow up thinking 'aw nanny buys us presents but we never see her' making me look the bad guy potentially?? Would it be horrible if me to refuse ANYTHING from her? Even if it hurts her and denies my DC of gifts?