This ridiculous mum situation

[causeimunderyourspell]

So I'll try and keep this brief but there's quite a backstory!

I don't know how to describe my mum but she has always treated treated me and my siblings like her personal assistants basically. I was the last to move out and by that point, she was having me do all sorts like rolling all her cigarettes, sorting all of her general life admin, grooming her dogs, dying her hair, the list is endless. She was massively controlling, I at 21 years of age obviously liked going out socialising, seeing family, to the gym etc and she would give me the silent treatment every time. I'd go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive in some ways.

Cut to now, 8 years down the line. I'm married with 2 children (she didn't come to my wedding because she didn't want to leave her dogs), my brother is successful working full time, my sister has a successful career and owns her own home. We've all done really well for ourselves I'd say but we all live very busy lives as you can imagine! She's never been happy for any of us. She complained when my sister was saving her deposit, as she resented that she (mum) had debt, why couldn't my sister give her money?!

Some of you might remember my post a while back about her basically refusing to come to mine ever (I don't drive so had been catching a bus weekly with 2 babies for well over a year) to visit her grandchildren but complaining to everyone who would listen, about how she didn't see them enough. Well the end result of that was her refusing and not speaking to me for weeks. For clarity, she works 2 days a week and then 3 days a week on rotation, so plenty of spare time. No hobbies or other commitments.

She's recently decided to throw her toys out of the pram because I've not seen her for a month (we'd been given notice to quit and were frantically house viewing with every spare moment and then moving). My sister had been going through some difficulties with her marriage and my brother has just gone through a messy break up. All valid reasons for everyone to not be at her beck and call in my opinion.

My brother phoned me this morning saying basically shes decided she needs to be on her own now, she loves us but goodbye she's having nothing to do with any of us. So in her own head she's though fuck the lot of them, no ones been to see me, I'm done with them. Yet never speaks to any of us unless she wants something!

I don't think I am, but AIBU to think fine that's that? Part of me feels guilty but I'm sick of being manipulated by her like I have my whole life. I feel sorry for her that she has nothing in her life more interesting than slagging us all off to each other. But it's all her own doing and I'm just at the end of the line with all her petty, imagined drama.

I sometimes wish mine would say something like that.

Just let her stew.

Cell her bluff - I would text back something along the lines of ‘ok thanks for letting me know, good luck with everything’ - she’s after a reaction - hoping you all come crawling back to make her feel superior. Don’t give it to her. She sounds abusive.

My mother is like this, gets on my tits!
She’s been on holiday for 9 days- bliss, absolute sheer bliss! Unfortunately she’s back Wednesday next.....
She is very childish, manipulates to get her own way and it’s only recently- last year or so, that I’ve put my foot down and told her straight , I’ve raised my som on my own since he was 3 months old, she wanted to take him away for his 18th- I said absolutely not, he is my child, I’ve got him to 18, he is joining the forces I’m proud as punch of him and of me, I’m taking him out for a meal for his 18th , she said I was nasty and selfish.......
the other side is she’s jealous of my independence and the way my son has turned out because she cocked up her sons (my brothers) upbringing, gave into him, indulged him much more than she did us others, he took to a skank and they took to drugs and lost custody of their children, she also stopped him going in the army when he was 17
I have gone non communicado in the past but my siblings have always managed to talk me round, tbh not speaking to her was absolutely fabulous
I can’t cope with her drama- there’s always a drama, illness, woe is me....
my attitude now is ffs
Enjoy the peace OP and straighten your backbone, she can only manipulate you while you let her xx

Sweepstake on "i'm having a heart attack" phonecall...

I call “heart palpitations and weight loss”!
That’s what my mother does...brought on by the stress I’ve caused her

Or the classic opener when I give in and call her, goes a little something like this:
deep sigh I’m fine another deep sigh I’m just so tired all the time, I can’t eat anything...your brother’s ever so worried about me more deep sighing but I suppose I’ll just get on with it...and how are you dear?

Oh dear god woman, bloody stop it!!!!

Your mum is incredibly emotional immature and very self-absorbed, but you already knew that.

I would like to address the idea that she may possibly suddenly develop a serious "illness" to have you all rush to her side.

I am 49 and was recently diagnosed with cancer in my bones (a lymphoma). I am on complete bed rest and have been for close to two months. We have kids ages 12, 15 and 17. Although I appreciate the help the kids give me, it is very important to me that their lives are as normal as possible and they are getting out to see their friends, do plenty of activities and enjoy their summer. I look to the grown ADULTS in my life, especially my husband, for physical and emotional support. Whatever their stage in life, I would never expect my children to drop everything and put me first.

I think from your original post OP that you and at least one of your siblings have children. Your priority right now is your own marriage/relationship and your children. Any well balanced adult parent would expect a reasonable amount of involvement with their grown children that did not prevent them meeting their first priorities of their marriage and children. I have (unfortunately) met a number of parents, even in their 70s and above who make unreasonable demands of others even though they have a long history of being unable to maintain their own intimate relationships. They often either have an emotionally dead marriage or no life partner and have usually destroyed any friendships they may have had due to their behaviour.

I hope I have conveyed that even serious illness does not justify emotional abuse and is no excuse. Unfortunately in my experience people who behave this way are extremely unlikely to change. I would focus on your marriage and children, protect them from your mother and prioritise your own mental health and well-being. You are allowed to have a life that is not dictated to you and you do not need your mother's permission to be happy. You have every right to your own thoughts and feelings and your own opinion should matter more to you than anyone else.

She's a narcissist, by the sounds of it, and hates that her control over the three of you has diminished to nothing as you've all moved on with your lives. This latest attempt to guilt you into dancing attendance on her and her response to your sister's text are very telling ("none of you make me your priority"). What kind of parent expects to be their DC's priority FFS? She should be delighted that you've all turned out so well and doing what she can to help and support you, not whining that you're not paying her enough attention. You're well rid, tbh OP.

You and your siblings should enjoy the peace and crack on with your lives - it sounds as though you would all be a lot happier, less stressed and able to do the things you want in life without constant demands on your time and a ton of negativity to weigh you down. I agree with other posters that you should be on guard for some made up drama to head your way though - attention seekers will always find something to get the focus back on them - ignore rumours and don't automatically believe her if she makes contact for some self-serving bullshit. Good luck for a happier future

You have a narcissistic mother. I have same. So sorry and I feel your frustration and pain. Read around the subject and you will recognise so much. That really helped me.
Good luck and believe that it's not you, it's her. X

Good for you, she's abusive and wait8ng for you all to run round and 'show' her how much you all love her and make her your priority

Just make sure you don't spent too much time thinking about her because that's what she wants, you to feel guilty and wondering if she's alright.

You have a poisonous mother. Be grateful for the get-out clause.

Funny how we think all mothers are saints, isn't it? History and experience tells us that just not the case.

PS With a mother like that it's a miracle you're all so well balanced and successful. Well done to all.

She's done this to put you in a tizz on purpose, expecting you to all rush to her.
I think enough pp have given good advice, and moving forward without her in your life sounds a positive approach for you and your family.

She’s totally playing you. As Elsa would say’Let it go’ and see what she comes back with. I’ve got a mother that starts every conversation with “Have you spoken to X, Y or Z? Did they say anything about me?” One of my siblings won’t speak to hear - harsh but they say liberating.
Breathe and see what she does.

Wow she’s done you a favor.
My mother did a similar trick 11 years ago, it’s hard, very hard at times, but I’m free of her manipulative shit and her rot can’t spread to my children. Leave her to it.

My husband's parents are like this OP, although divorced they still separately try to manipulate him through the FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt. My MIL is so disordered in her thinking she has been talking about shaving her hair off because I am having chemotherapy. I haven't even lost my hair yet and she lives 100s of miles away so have no idea why she thinks this makes sense? But I just ignore and don't rise to the bait as I know she is trying to provoke some kind of response from us. Just be the role model you want to be for your kids and understand that your mum does not have your best interests at heart, she is trying to force you back into the role of meeting all her narcisscistic wants and needs through emotional manipulation.

Resist!

...your brother’s ever so worried about me

Oh gosh, it's funny how with some posts on MN you just go...oh yes mine does that.

My Mum used to be forever phoning me and start saying in a really excited way...

"Oh your brother sounded ever so concerned"..Me "aha"

"Yes, he was really really worried"....Me "mmmm"

And so on ramping it up as I wouldn't ask her why until she could stand it no longer and tell me about some hospital visit or other. She once told my brother she was 'having tests for cancer a mamogram and seemed positively delighted he sounded concerned.

Only when I speak with bro he doesn't remember it like that at all

As a lovely friend of mine says: "Fuck 'er!"

There’s so many of us on here who have suffered in some form or other with terrible behaviour from others. My parents are controlling and emotionally abusive. I am LC as that’s what I’m comfortable with I have gone NC with my alcoholic brother. My DD was on receiving end of some of it last year and I was helpless when she spoke to me about it because there is no reasoning with these people. I could go there all guns blazing and it would achieve nothing but yet another argument. I haven’t given up I just refuse to let them ruin anymore days.

Last week my DM wa on the phone CRYING because her neighbours wanted to clean their conservatory roof as they do every year. She asked if she was being unreasonable I said yes and she put the phone down on me for disagreeing. In context I have a chronic illness and am waiting for tests relating to my future eyesight, I am making no fuss about something that could actually change my life.

My dh has a mother very like this. Actually you could be talking about her. Sadly it took him to the age of forty to recognise that this was not a normal mother-son relationship. He was very upset for a while as he came to terms with this. Now (seven years later)he says he has never been happier. He feels free.

We have also had second hand messages saying there’s something”seriously wrong” with her -Parkinson’s, cancer, you name it. But when they turn out to be nothing we don’t hear about that.

The only difference is he has always kept the line open for his Mum to contact him or her grandchildren. She never does. He occasionally sends her photos and WhatsApp messages. The second she starts behaving inappropriately (usually within 3-4 messages) he stops replying. This is what works for him.

I’m so sorry your situation is similar. I have found it heartbreaking to watch my dh come to terms with his mum.

Count this as a lucky escape, swear to yourself you’ll never treat your children that way and go enjoy your life. Thinking of you.

Hey OP

I've not read your other post, so you may have already mentioned this but where is your father in all of this?

Is he still alive?

How was he with her? What type of husband was he?

I can relate to a lot of the things you are saying but it's with my MIL. I've kept my mouth shut and just observed her behaviour for the last five years. Prior to that anything anyone ever did was not good enough.

Examples such as, family party and everyone turns up but she focuses on the fact that everyone has to leave. Pay for a meal at a super expensive posh restaurant or a super cheap place that she loves, eurgh food was okay, company wasn't great, oh and everyone had to leave at some point.

Christmas, expects extravagant present, gets extravagant present, not good enough.

Everyonr has to phone her everyday and talk for two hours. If not then she is displeased.

Silent treatment when she didn't get her way. One word answers.

Wants to see grandchildren, arrange it all on her own terms. If life gets in the way and you have to cancel then... well you get the picture.

Basically, her way or the highway.

I became like her. Then I realised. Then I stopped it.

My MIL is a bit of a people pleaser. She's insecure too. That's where the people pleaser part comes from. She people pleases for a boost and to make herself feel good. (I was the same).

She thought the world of her father and always tried to please him. She was his baby girl. He died. She was devastated.

Her husband is a lot like her son (my DH). They both don't give in ways which a me and her need in the relationship.
The lack of love and connection in her relationship with her husband resulted in her expected it or looking for it or burdening it to her kids.her sons and then the daughter in laws to follow and the grandkids.

My FIL isn't abusive or mean. He's just a bit useless and fails to love her in the way she wants (probably the way her father loved her, and I don't mean incest, just the amount of attention).

So when she burdened her kids with it or tried to replace her love expectation from FIL to kids, it was fine to begin with because they were kids. But then they grew up and flew the nest. They found girlfriends and wives and had children. Over many years that love began slipping through her fingers. Of course she blamed the daughter in laws because that was her logical explanation. 'You gave me attention and saw me everyday and loved me, then you met that girl and stopped visiting and calling so often... it's her fault'. As you can see that doesn't bode well for the relationship between son and mother or son and girlfriend.

What she was missing was, the lack of love from husband was replaced by children but children grow up and move on and have to live their own lives.

That didn't go down too well but she must have understood because shortly after followed the, 'I'm ill and I feel like I'm having a heart attack' stories or the 'someone died the other day, it could be me, would you be happy if I died?' - so the sympathy stories using her potential death as a guilt trip. The reporting of family illnesses and then making it all about her and how she feels and how it's impacted her. She's perfectly healthy.

My DH is pretty ill and has had an underlying health condition which means almost every evenings and weekends, I have the kids, I don't have the emotional support or just that 'how was your day' conversation. No laughs, no jokes, nothing. Just a 'hi how are you?', 'I don't feel great, please can you leave me to it?'.

He brings the money in and provides for us. But I need love. Love my parents weren't able to give to me and now my DH just can't give me what I need. I was about to turn to my kids for it but then I began saying things that my MIL would say. DH would take me out and I wouldn't be happy because he would have to leave after two hours. We went on holiday, I wasn't satisfied with the service etc

This lasted for about six months and I began sounding like her and I really despised it.

Had a good think about the why's and how's and what I felt. Lots of conversations with DH . Spoke to a therapist . Then figured it out. The lack of love in her life is the way she is.

The lack of love in my life in the way I need it and am pining for is the reason why I became that person too.

We've put changes in place to stop it. He's really good and so am I and our DCs won't go through what he went through or his siblings.

I mean maybe you can't relate but that's what I found. Helping me to realise her behaviour helped me to prevent myself from doing the same. Which also prevents DH and his siblings from getting upset with her attitude and it's how I've been able to let go of all the mean things said when I was blamed for DH moving out of the nest and living his own life with me.

Now we just ignore and smile.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this.

Wow this is so like my grandmother to my mum (and all her siblings). My mum struggled on with the relationship for years and it made her stressed and unhappy. There was always various periods of silent treatment but eventually the final fall out my granny said she didn’t want to partake in the relationship any more and they never spoke again. Unfortunately my granny being my granny that also included cutting her grandchildren off.
My mum was much happier not having the stress of trying to maintain that emotionally manipulative relationship.

causeimunderyourspell I had no contact with my mother for best part of 20 years. Similar emotionally abusive behaviour you describe coupled with alcoholic in denial and final straw was trying it on with my ex husband night before my wedding!
It was as t an easy 20 years as I always felt sad at not having a proper mum but then I got a call to say she was terminally ill. I knew I wanted to make peace before it was too late. We had a lovely 6 months getting to know each other again and she had mellowed with age. We didn’t talk about the past we just enjoyed the moment she met my children and my partner. Sadly when the end came I didn’t make it in time but was en route.
I gave more peace in my life now and glad I made peace. However I’m glad her toxic influence wasn’t in my life for those 20 years she was absent.
Just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean you have to like/love her. You must do what is best for your own little family and you xxx