This ridiculous mum situation

[causeimunderyourspell]

So I'll try and keep this brief but there's quite a backstory!

I don't know how to describe my mum but she has always treated treated me and my siblings like her personal assistants basically. I was the last to move out and by that point, she was having me do all sorts like rolling all her cigarettes, sorting all of her general life admin, grooming her dogs, dying her hair, the list is endless. She was massively controlling, I at 21 years of age obviously liked going out socialising, seeing family, to the gym etc and she would give me the silent treatment every time. I'd go as far as to say she was emotionally abusive in some ways.

Cut to now, 8 years down the line. I'm married with 2 children (she didn't come to my wedding because she didn't want to leave her dogs), my brother is successful working full time, my sister has a successful career and owns her own home. We've all done really well for ourselves I'd say but we all live very busy lives as you can imagine! She's never been happy for any of us. She complained when my sister was saving her deposit, as she resented that she (mum) had debt, why couldn't my sister give her money?!

Some of you might remember my post a while back about her basically refusing to come to mine ever (I don't drive so had been catching a bus weekly with 2 babies for well over a year) to visit her grandchildren but complaining to everyone who would listen, about how she didn't see them enough. Well the end result of that was her refusing and not speaking to me for weeks. For clarity, she works 2 days a week and then 3 days a week on rotation, so plenty of spare time. No hobbies or other commitments.

She's recently decided to throw her toys out of the pram because I've not seen her for a month (we'd been given notice to quit and were frantically house viewing with every spare moment and then moving). My sister had been going through some difficulties with her marriage and my brother has just gone through a messy break up. All valid reasons for everyone to not be at her beck and call in my opinion.

My brother phoned me this morning saying basically shes decided she needs to be on her own now, she loves us but goodbye she's having nothing to do with any of us. So in her own head she's though fuck the lot of them, no ones been to see me, I'm done with them. Yet never speaks to any of us unless she wants something!

I don't think I am, but AIBU to think fine that's that? Part of me feels guilty but I'm sick of being manipulated by her like I have my whole life. I feel sorry for her that she has nothing in her life more interesting than slagging us all off to each other. But it's all her own doing and I'm just at the end of the line with all her petty, imagined drama.

LC or NC looks like a good option for now for all of you.

As PP remark, however, do not be surprised if a contrived drama appears out of nowhere to force contact when she realises that her children are not going to beg her to remain in their lives.

Let her stew. Let her wallow in the drama. She enjoys it. Ignore the threats of doing something stupid - she won't. Get on with your lives. You and your siblings had valid reasons for not getting in touch. A supportive parent would have been at your side.

Please arm your brother with some of the advice on this board. Perhaps send him the link. Interestingly, for her saying 'that's it' she doesn't contact him by phone or text but opts for maximum emotional impact - turning up at his door not saying anything then running away, knowing that he word run after and she would get to reject him again.

She will be back. She is addicted to drama. She is like Arnie, she will be back. Be prepared OP.

She’d get a big BYE THEN! 🙋🏻‍♀️ From me but I suspect this is a flounce/tantrum to get you all to flock around her and make a fuss.
Fuck that noise.

Of course she's abusive. Let her enjoy her huff in peace. You don't need to respond or pander to her and to do so only reinforces that her manipulation tactics are effective. If and when she ever comes out her huff make sure it's entirely your decision whether you reengage or not. Personally, I'd fuck her off for life but I've grown a very thick skin over the years and can emotionally switch off to someone at the drop of a hat if i need to for my own sanity.

She sounds just like my mum, I've been nc with her for 6 years now - never been happier! Ignore, ignore and ignore some more OP - concentrate on making you and your family happy!

Yep, leave her to sulk. Don't acknowledge her comments to your brother at all, just let her contact you when she's ready to behave herself. And if she doesn't, that is her choice to make.

I'm sure she'll be disrupting your life again by Christmas though, so enjoy the silence.

Enjoy it while it lasts! (I doubt it will be long)

Oh that sounds really difficult. My mum is a nightmare and we went NC then low contact a while back. It IS better as PPs have said but it is also very hard so don't expect it to be easy. You may well feel guilty and sad and that's really normal. What isn't normal is her behaviour.

A big drama storm is brewing. She will be trying to think of something now

Leave her to it, she’s obviously doing it for a reaction so don’t let her have it. She’ll be back it sounds like she’s far more reliant on you then you are on her.

Ah yes, I have one of these OP, have been NC for many years now and it is bliss. You may want to look at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.

As PP have said, she will re emerge soon enough, probably with The Mystery Illness. Or she will send in Flying Monkeys (extended family/friends) to tell you off for not appreciating your wonderful mother and making her ill

YANBU

It's a horrible situation and even if you go NC she will always be there at the back of your mind. I've had this with both parents for 30 years of marriage and we have been NC for years at a time until there is an emergency then they call. Mine will never accept that they are the cause of it, going back to my teenage years. It causes me terrible stress, I've been admitted to hospital twice with a suspected heart attack. Sadly my brother and I no longer speak either, we used to support each other so try to keep your siblings close. I don't have the answer but at least you know you're not alone or that unusual.

She's a Dementor:

harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Dementor

She drains the energy, hope and happiness of those around her. She's also like those awful boyfriends who threatens to kill himself if you break up with him. It's the worst sort of emotional manipulation.

But she's miscalculated this time. She thinks withdrawing contact from you will hurt you when it's actually a much needed break.

Let her go,but be prepared for the "heart attack,im not well" crap to start.Try to reel you back in.

Bet you wont know your peace.

I'd say "Jog on", sounds like a massive relief

It's hard, OP, it really is. We are expected to love and respect our parents, but for those of us who have parents who DO NOT DESERVE it, we feel guilty.

Guilty if we do our 'daughterly duties' but don't enjoy it or even tolerate it, because of the type of emotional drain these people are;
Guilty if we step right back, go NC or LC, because we are conditioned and expected to love and respect our parents but they don't love or respect us back... The expectations on us from just about everyone (everyone with 'normal, nice' parents) is huge.

Check out the 'Stately Homes' thread, OP. Lots of us on there with similar parents, and it helps to find others in the same boat.

You are a mother,daughter,partner,sister and you tried to include your own mum too
Unfortunately your mum for whatever reason has abruptly cut family contact
Her erratic approach and inconsistencies are hurting you,time to protect yourself
You need to prioritise yourself,your needs and get on with getting on

I wish you well with a very demanding mother but I’d urge you to prioritise yourself and your family

If and When your mum resume contact it needs to be mutually agreeable and convenient to you. No more traipsing toddlers in/off buses

My DM is a narcissist so I totally get this. She's now 80, and still tries to manipulate my sisters and I, while lying about us to wider family and each other. (Waving to youngest sister, who is on here). Definitely let your mum stew. It won't last long if it fails to have the expected outcome, which is your all rallying round.

But also remember: while we all want to be good kind people who support those we love, and who try not to harm people, none of us is responsible for another person's emotional wellbeing. You have learned and absorbed the idea that if you don't behave in a certain way, or do certain things, she will feel bad, and may harm herself. That may be true. But it does not mean that if you don't do those things, then you are responsible for her feelings, or for her actions. Those are hers. Let them wash off you.

While Cawfee's message upthread is great, it is unlikely to work. Your DM has learned to get what she wants by emotional blackmail. She will not change. Let her live the life she chooses, but don't let her convince you that it's your responsibility.

She's probably done that for a reaction

Yes yes yes

OMG I don't know how you have come this far and stayed sane

cider you are so right when you say "daughterly duties", I've even had this spelled out to me and I want to do it, I want to be a good daughter but I have lost all respect for them and their manipulative and cruel behaviour towards me. I'm a nice person with some very close cherished friends and my own wonderful family but they don't see that. They don't know me, the 54 year old woman, they still see me as a young girl who moved away and I've never been forgiven and never will be. It's heartbreaking and I feel guilty but my friends and family know what they're like and keep explaining it's not me it's them. Such a waste though.

Is it just me, or is it worrying how common this kind of behaviour is.

Guilty if we step right back, go NC or LC, because we are conditioned and expected to love and respect our parents but they don't love or respect us back...

Many years ago, I read a piece by a woman in her 70s who reported that she ended up crying, again, after a phone call from her mother (in her 90s). Apart from the criticism, she was, yet again, left upset that her mother expressed no love for her.

What brought her up short was her psychologist saying,
"You're how old? Your mother's how old?"
"She's been behaving like this for nearly three-quarters of a century and it's working for her."
"She's not going to change - you are still capable of giving up the expectation that you'll ever have the relationship that you want. And you can choose to do that or carry on being upset like this every time you speak."
"How much more of your life do you have to expend on grief when you could change your attitude?"

this isn’t good enough. You are a mother and a grandmother. It’s time to act like it. You behave like the world owes you something. It doesn’t. You’ve treated me like an idiot/slave my entire life. Please go see a therapist for help with your attitude and emotions because the way you behave and speak is not normal. You need help. When you’ve done that and can step up to having a normal/healthy relationship with me, I will be here

I wouldn't waste my energy on even texting/emailing the above (although well written by PP)

if she contacts you and says same as she did to dbro, then my reponse would "ok then" and I'd enjoy the peace

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, But you and your family would be so much better off without this person in your life. She sound parasitical and toxic.

I've had to cut off my parents and sister for being abusive, narcissistic and often downright evil so I realise this is a situation that probably hold many conflicting emotions for you.

For your children's sakes (they WILLbe her next victims, don't doubt it) please just move homes and don't look back, don't let her back in your lives now.

If/when you feel grief/guilt, please realise you are likely mourning the mother you should have had, the one you deserved. The one that society and the media tell us all the time that we should live, honour, share a special bond with etc. You didn't have that mother, nothing you can do will change that, so dont listen to the guilt.

Thanks everyone it's really helpful to read all your messages and out this into perspective.

My sister has messaged her to say that she should be ashamed of herself treating us this way so good on her! May sound a bit immature but I've blocked and deleted my mums number now as I can't have this hanging over me time and time again as and when she chooses.