For pancake gate to be the final straw?

[Evangelinedream]

Full disclosure- I’ve been really stressed recently so I’m fully ready to be told I’m being unreasonable. Anyway...

I have long standing issues with feeling like DP doesn’t respect me. He has made comments in the past about me “not being able to cope with life”, thinks I exaggerate how tough my job is, and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.

So tonight was pancake gate. He said he’d bought ready made pancakes for dessert and how many would I like? So I asked how thick are they - are they like American pancakes or French pancakes?

He refuses to tell me how thick they are and keeps saying “ they’re British pancakes, you know how thick British pancakes are”. After he keeps refusing to tell me I lose it and leave the room - he tells me to “get a grip you loser” on the way out.

After I couple of hours I go to ask if he’d like to talk. He says there’s nothing to talk about, I’m taking my stress out on him and he did nothing wrong.

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I think his refusal to answer my question simply shows how little respect he has for me, why did he have to carry on the stupid dance?? He reckons I knew how thick a british pancake was. Why can’t he just believe me and tell me?? Why does he have to try and teach me a lesson?

What does mumsnet wisdom think? Am I crazy or is he?

Woman- It’s actually more like

DH: how many pieces of salmon would you like with dinner?
You: hmm... how big are they?
DH: Just normal sized fillets
You: I don’t know how big that is. How big are they?
DH: Just standard sized fillets. You know how big a standard fillet is.
You: No I don’t
DH: Yes you do.
You: [lose it and leave the room]

But with four kids/young adults in the house I get this all the time. Basically you come and have a look yourself or I make the call and you get what you're given.

No dramas, no loser themed namecalling.

But, as this thread has shown, it's not unusual to not know what a 'British pancake' is.

He could have easily said 'the big ones that are a little bit thicker than the French crepes'. How hard would that have been?

(Also 'standard fillets' of salmon aren't all the same size. The ones we buy vary, to the extent that sometimes I want one, sometimes 1.5, and sometimes 2.)

In my house, I make and serve the pancakes one at a time, so DH just has to say 'stop' when he's full.

But none of this changes the fact that calling her a loser was out of order. If stuff like this is a regular pattern, the relationship is best ended.

Certainly it shows how thick your DP is. How much of similar fuckwittery are you prepared to take? He would irritate me to the point of instant good bye but everyone's different.

I agree that he was wrong. As I said upthead this sounds like two incompatible people who are driving each other crazy and taking their frustrations out on each other. He shouldn’t have called her a loser and you’re right he could have been a bit more forthcoming with a description but likewise she could have walked to the kitchen and looked rather than asking repeatedly and then losing it with him.

Why can't people explain how big things are using their words? E.g. a pancake is 6inches and thin or thick, a salmon fillet is 1 inch thick and 4 inches long weight about 100g etc.

I don't like pancakes.

OP I suspect your alleged inability to "cope with life" will disappear when you get rid of this horrible man.

I echo @amperoblue 's sentiments. Questions like that are rather redundant unless you know the other person has experience with British pancakes and French pancakes. Tbh I had no idea there was a difference. Maybe he doesn't know one pancake from another, like me? So your question made no sense at all to him. And if you asked him if they were thick or thin, well maybe he has no idea what you mean because to him all pancakes are the same. And your thick could be his thin and vice versa, so questions like that don't even make much sense unless he even knows that there is more than one type of pancake. I would have said I don't know, it's a pancake. How would I know? It just looks like.....a pancake. If you have no yardstick to measure, if you have no idea there is even more than one thickness, how could you even begin to answer such a question? It is like asking "how long is a piece of string?"

However calling you names and showing such laziness and disrespect towards you does appear to indicate that he doesn't even like you, he certainly doesn't seem to appreciate you. If you can't sit down, have a talk and work through it, then as you have no children I would leave as when you have children it will be harder to leave.

If I asked my dp how big something was he'd say "x number of inches" or "about as big as my hand" or gesture with his hands to show the size, or hold the damn thing up so I could see it. Even if he thought I should know, or didn't know himself they came in different sizes, or whatever other fucking stupid excuse we're using today to justify a man behaving like a twat. Unless he actually has a pretty serious learning disability, there are a douzen ways he could have described it to you. He could even have said "sorry I'm not sure how to describe it, can you come and look for yourself?" But he didn't, he antagonised you deliberately, and then insulted you. And he has form for this.

You're not married. You have no kids. This is a serious no brainier. Time to leave.

I just want to add to any confusion by showing what I grew up thinking was a pancake...

I still can't get over the fact that he said "British" pancakes. WTF are they? I think we've already established that every nation in Britain has its very own, very different version of pancakes and that some nations also have regional variations. So I totally understand why OP was none the wiser with his response.

Zispin what is that? Yorkshire pud?

I thought it was lasagne

Evangelinedream, please do read the opening post of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Oh, and I haven't the faintest idea what British pancakes are like, unless you mean drop scones?

Zispin what is that? Yorkshire pud?

It's a Finnish pannukakku (literally: pancake). It's sweet, cooked in the oven, and you cut it into pieces and eat it with jam!

So its like a yorkshire but with sugar added? A big pancake!

Never heard of British pancakes!!! As people have said, Scottish drop scone pancakes are totally different to home made pancake day pancakes.

He sounds unpleasant. And calling you a loser is just Not On.

This is nothing to do with pancakes.
This is gaslighting.

OP - you are being emotionally & verbally abused.

Get out before it gets worse.

I am going to try and make pannukakku - far better than standing at the cooker.

Can't believe people have turned this thread into a circus discussing pancake sizes.

Op you said it's the last straw. He criticizes you for not being able to cope with life. He doesn't care about the pressures of your job and thinks you exaggerate. He swore at you.

He doesn't respect you. He feels contempt for you. He verbally abused you. Please don't stay with this awful man who will grind you down to nothing.

Anyone else seriously tempted to whip up a batch of (intermediate thickness in the style of English pancake day pancakes) pancakes?

More seriously, your updates suggest that pancake date is the least of your relationship problems. Does he make your life happier than without him? Because it doesn't sound much like it so far...

PS Obviously these: www.deliaonline.com/recipes/international/european/british/basic-pancakes

Why couldn't he just show you the pancakes or you just go and have a look?? How bizarre!