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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For pancake gate to be the final straw?

227 replies

Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 22:09

Full disclosure- I’ve been really stressed recently so I’m fully ready to be told I’m being unreasonable. Anyway...

I have long standing issues with feeling like DP doesn’t respect me. He has made comments in the past about me “not being able to cope with life”, thinks I exaggerate how tough my job is, and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.

So tonight was pancake gate. He said he’d bought ready made pancakes for dessert and how many would I like? So I asked how thick are they - are they like American pancakes or French pancakes?

He refuses to tell me how thick they are and keeps saying “ they’re British pancakes, you know how thick British pancakes are”. After he keeps refusing to tell me I lose it and leave the room - he tells me to “get a grip you loser” on the way out.

After I couple of hours I go to ask if he’d like to talk. He says there’s nothing to talk about, I’m taking my stress out on him and he did nothing wrong.

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I think his refusal to answer my question simply shows how little respect he has for me, why did he have to carry on the stupid dance?? He reckons I knew how thick a british pancake was. Why can’t he just believe me and tell me?? Why does he have to try and teach me a lesson?

What does mumsnet wisdom think? Am I crazy or is he?

OP posts:
TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 21/07/2018 00:13

Ampero but why not just tell him what time the flight is? Your being petty, you had it there just tell him! I literally don't understand why you wouldn't just say "2pm" instead of all the fuss about how he's being thick and should know. You might think he's being a numpty but it takes 2 secs to answer his question.

Even everyone who seems to know what the hell a British pancake is (a slightly shit crepe?) has clarified it's a thin pancake afterwards. They've said "a British pancake, you know like a thin one". The fact that he can't just clarify something basic with you is twatty behaviour. He's proving his superiority. He knows you don't know how thick a British pancake is but he's trying to prove he's more intelligent than you by making you look stupid. He doesn't treat you well so why are you with him? Sounds like he didn't like you very much

bourbonbiccy · 21/07/2018 00:16

I can't help but think he kind of answered your question by saying British pancake. I would take this as a pancake like on pancake day.
Do you feel like he may have a point and you are stressed and take it out on him? Or is he just using that as an excuse for him winding you up?

ALittleBitofVitriol · 21/07/2018 00:16

Evangelinedream

Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer here, it's more of a thought experiment.
3 years ago, when/before you first got together, were you as prone to 'having a distinct lack of common sense,' as you say? Is common sense really just his preference - reading his mind - in that exact moment?

If he finds you so frustrating, to the point of raging, then his lack of self control is incompatible with you - or any other partner. Sounds like he's the one who can't cope with life. Even if your question was annoying, he assumed you were lying and got angry with you and called you a derogatory name. That's not a mature response.

I agree with the previous posters who suggested gaslighting. It doesn't mean that he's doing it on purpose or that he's evil. It does mean that the relationship isn't healthy. You are not a bad partner for expecting to be treated with respect.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 21/07/2018 00:17

I like my DP and if he asks stupid questions sometimes, I answer them. I might tease him a bit but I just don't understand why you would do all this power play about not answering his question and trying to make him work it out, just tell him.

Tinkety · 21/07/2018 00:20

he once stormed into the bedroom raging because I hadn’t folded the blankets on the sofa and left them messy. He regularly leaves them messy, but if I ask him politely to tidy them up he tells me not to “give him jobs” and gets angry or starts talking about something I have left messy.

Actually I wonder if this is a chicken or the egg type scenario.

If you regularly keep telling him to tidy up the blankets after he’s used them but then go ahead & leave them in a mess yourself, I can see why he might be annoyed at that.

Also you say whenever you tell him he’s left something messy, he comes back with something that you have left messy, is there any validity to that?

I once had a housemate at uni who used to complain about crumbs being left on the kitchen counter & how it needed to be wiped up straight away however she thought nothing of regularly leaving food splatters inside the microwave or all over the cooker for someone else to clean up - it really annoyed all the housemates to be told to do ABC when she kept doing XYZ.

Babymamamama · 21/07/2018 00:22

If it was so important for you to know the thickness of the pancake why on earth didn't you have a look. You are honestly blowing this out of all proportion. And this thread will not help either. He answered the question. Why would you think they were either French or American pancakes if they were simple English shop bought ones. Can't see what everyone is going on about re gaslighting I'm afraid.

imnotreally · 21/07/2018 00:24

That was the sort of argument me and my ex would have. Turned out he was a controlling narcissistic abusive husband who still tries to control me 7 years after we split up. It was one of his ways of control.

Menolly · 21/07/2018 00:32

a) I wouldn't know how thick a British pancake was

b) he sounds like a twat, not coz of the pancakes really, coz that's just irritating, but calling you a loser, minimising your feelings, refusing to talk about it after. That's horrible and you don't need that.

spudlet7 · 21/07/2018 00:34

@AmperoBlue I do get that it must be annoying but what other reason can he have for asking except for having forgotten? My DH asks me things repeatedly because his memory is terrible. It's frustrating (and I'm sure I must express as much at times lol) but he can't help it, so I just answer him through gritted teeth while resisting the urge to facepalm Grin

Firesuit · 21/07/2018 00:35

Yes I had the flight time in front of me but it's not the point. Why was he asking and then making a fuss

If I knew the time was written down on piece of paper, I would choose reading the paper (or having it read) over infinite amounts of previous experience. Both routes to the information are (I wrongly believe) equally easy, but the paper one is higher-quality information.

But it's quite possible he was just being too lazy to engage brain. A bust-up was unavoidable if you were determined to frustrate him, but it's only worthwhile if it actually accomplishes something, so you probably should have explained why you were annoyed by the question. Then he may or may not have been able to give a justification for asking it.

HotSauceCommittee · 21/07/2018 00:43

I don’t think he’s nice at all to you and you sound easy going and lovely.
Does he ever say nice things so you feel good about yourself?
What are you getting out of this relationship?
I’ve been a twat at work this week and have had the most civil bollocking ever today for it (all the more humiliating as it was so civil). I haven’t told DH because I was in the wrong and I’m feeling embarrassed. However, we are very close and if I did break down in dramatic tears and told him all, he’d know I’d been a dick, and while he would not deny this, he would be kind and try to make me feel better and not be harsh to me. This is after 25 years of my nonsense and various dramas of my own making. He is an exemplary professional where I am not. But he still wants to make me better. You need a partner like that.
Is what upon have good enough?

Firesuit · 21/07/2018 00:45

If it was so important for you to know the thickness of the pancake why on earth didn't you have a look.

She was asking a question which she knew he could immediately answer with two words or by even silently by demonstrating the gap with his fingers. Why would she anticipate that he would refuse to do that to the extent that she had to walk to another room to look for herself? If she had known he was going to be difficult about it, the only place she should have been walking is out of the house

Why would you think they were either French or American pancakes if they were simple English shop bought ones.

Why do you assume she knows what simple English shop bought ones are, and why do you think she was asking the question if she did?

tolerable · 21/07/2018 01:02

youre both bu -he coulda just answered the fin question.it didnt require a drama-you coulda said "same as you" or "one for now,but may want more"(depends how oh no,a pancake was left for bin extreme eeva of you are.ffs...nope,its you-its friday,it ai bu on numsmet.fuck it naw?

Firesuit · 21/07/2018 01:03

it really annoyed all the housemates to be told to do ABC when she kept doing XYZ.

It would be a valid response to say you would do ABC in return for her doing XYZ. But if you just said "well you do XYZ", then you are refusing to deal with ABC, and moreover changing the topic of conversation away from that problem when the person who raise it is not finished with it, causing the person upset by ABC to lose all hope of the problem being solved, and to probably feel like punching you.

I get "well you do XYZ" answers all the time from DW, and it just makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. The point of me saying she does ABC is not to criticise her character, or make her feel bad, it's to cause the infinite series of ABC annoyances to vanish from future, and by not addressing the problem, she is reinstating that infinite series of annoyances I thought I was going to eliminate by speaking.

Somehow she is incapable of understanding that when I say I don't like something, the only thing I'm aiming for is for the thing not to occur. She seem to think it's some sort of attack, and that she has to retaliate by making a similar attack on me.

FastWindow · 21/07/2018 01:21

tolerable learn to type.
firesuit leave your wife.

tillytown · 21/07/2018 01:35

Your update makes your husband sound abusive.
To everyone pretending not to know what a British pancake is, are you being serious? Modern pancakes, like the ones you buy at supermarkets, or have on Shrove Tuesday, are British pancakes. They don't sell them in other countries, as other countries make pancakes their own way, aka crepes, tiganites, filloas, etc.

FastWindow · 21/07/2018 01:41

tillytown Biscuit

gunnyBear · 21/07/2018 01:44

I wouldn't know how thick they are. .5mm perhaps.

I'd have been frustrated with you too.

SandyY2K · 21/07/2018 01:49

I've bought british pancakes in the shop of different thickness. There is no standard pancake thickness by law.

The the question would have irritated me if DH asked.

SandyY2K · 21/07/2018 01:50

Typo

TBH the question would have irritated me if DH asked.

FlyingElbows · 21/07/2018 01:53

I'm Scottish so "British Pancakes" are not a thing. It's not pretence it's culture. Pancakes are about 3-4" across and made on a griddle. Those big thin flat things the size of dinner plates are fancy middle class pancakes but not super fancy like crépes. The size of the pancakes in question could have been easily determined by simply looking. There are some things you simply don't need to fight about.

FastWindow · 21/07/2018 01:55

I guess there are different thicknesses. Everyone has their own ability to work out what I'm referring to.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/07/2018 02:33

This sounds like six of one half a dozen of the other really.

He could have just answered you that is true. But it gets exhausting to have to do all the thinking for your partner sometimes because it’s easier for them to ask inane questions than to engage brain.

You say you’re on eggshells around him and he rages about stuff so on balance you’re probably not very suited. But if you’re aware you’ve got no common sense then please try and change that. It gets SO infuriating sometimes to have to be the one to explain in detail what you need and why because you partner is seemingly incapable of simple deduction.

wafflyversatile · 21/07/2018 03:13

Leave him for buying anything other than scotch pancakes.

On the basis of this one argument it could just be that he was as annoyed with you seemingly wilfully misunderstanding.

But if you are not happy then you are allowed to leave him.

BakedBeeeen · 21/07/2018 03:53

Hmmmm I agree with DianaPrincess.
OPs behaviour, and the behaviour of Amperos's partner sounds pedantic and annoying to me. But your partner is supposed to support you and make your life better, you are supposed to actually like them! So if this is not the case, best get out of it. Good luck OP.

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