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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For pancake gate to be the final straw?

227 replies

Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 22:09

Full disclosure- I’ve been really stressed recently so I’m fully ready to be told I’m being unreasonable. Anyway...

I have long standing issues with feeling like DP doesn’t respect me. He has made comments in the past about me “not being able to cope with life”, thinks I exaggerate how tough my job is, and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.

So tonight was pancake gate. He said he’d bought ready made pancakes for dessert and how many would I like? So I asked how thick are they - are they like American pancakes or French pancakes?

He refuses to tell me how thick they are and keeps saying “ they’re British pancakes, you know how thick British pancakes are”. After he keeps refusing to tell me I lose it and leave the room - he tells me to “get a grip you loser” on the way out.

After I couple of hours I go to ask if he’d like to talk. He says there’s nothing to talk about, I’m taking my stress out on him and he did nothing wrong.

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I think his refusal to answer my question simply shows how little respect he has for me, why did he have to carry on the stupid dance?? He reckons I knew how thick a british pancake was. Why can’t he just believe me and tell me?? Why does he have to try and teach me a lesson?

What does mumsnet wisdom think? Am I crazy or is he?

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 20/07/2018 23:25

I dont know how thick French or American pancakes are but as a British person, who lives in the UK I do know how thick British pancakes are.

If he was trying to do a nice thing and you were insulting his intelligence by saying you dont know what a British pancake was, then I would be upset at you. Where you acting ignorant deliberately, or have you seriously never seen a British pancake?

Original poster
Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 23:27

peanut this resonates - I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose though, I think he just hasn’t thought at all.

Quizqueen unfortunately I think you’ve hit the nail on the head :(

Window I can confirm he is fast asleep in bed so is not writing as ampero haha!

OP posts:
UnderHerEye · 20/07/2018 23:29

To all the posters jumping on the OP about ‘why would you even ask that? Do you not know the difference between American and British pancakes?!’

NO SHE DOESNT BECAUSE KNOW -THATS WHY SHES BLOODY ASKING!!!

sorry for the shouting but goodness me some of you like to think you are scoring points- you aren’t scoring points by the way, you are just looking like assholes. Like the OPs ‘D’P.

OP your partner doesn’t sound like they like you very much, and this will eventually kill your self esteem, you deserve to be with someone who is your best friend and treats you as such.

DarlingNikita · 20/07/2018 23:29

he once stormed into the bedroom raging because I hadn’t folded the blankets on the sofa and left them messy. He regularly leaves them messy, but if I ask him politely to tidy them up he tells me not to “give him jobs” and gets angry or starts talking about something I have left messy.

Never mind the pancakes, what is this shit?!?! He 'rages' about something you've done when he frequently does the same thing? Gets angry about it or tries to turn the 'fault' back on you?

Fuck that. He's horrible. Find someone nicer.

spudlet7 · 20/07/2018 23:31

Agree with others that this is gaslighting, as well as general twatfuckery. You don't seem like a twat yourself so I'm guessing you could do much better.

UnderHerEye · 20/07/2018 23:32

Fuck that. He's horrible. Find someone nicer

Well that’s put it much better than I did !

Birdsgottafly · 20/07/2018 23:34

""I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose though, I think he just hasn’t thought at all.""

OP when you leave this relationship you will feel such relief. It is no way to live. Men like him know exactly what they are doing.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 20/07/2018 23:35

The argument is never about what the argument's about.

FastWindow · 20/07/2018 23:37

under yep what that pp said. No kids, not married. May I...? LTB!!

Op, Google Gaslighting while the waste of space is asleep. It may take you a while to fully wake up. I recommend a few day's break if you can manufacture it: it clears the fog in your mind. Think of it as an investment into a nice life, as opposed to this shit.

Jixy8731 · 20/07/2018 23:38

Pancakegate is also not unfamiliar to me.

Sounds like he's spoiling for a fight, and actively trying to wind you up if given the opportunity.

I left.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/07/2018 23:39

He wasn’t ‘making an effort’ by buying pancakes. Fucking hell, the bar is low if someone buying food for themselves and their partner is making some big effort.

He’s a wanker. The blankets thing, walking on eggshells, the twattish tantrum over your question about the pancakes...that’s not a loving relationship. And why would you want any other kind?

ConstantlyCold · 20/07/2018 23:40

If the only issue in your relationship was pancakegate, then you don’t have a problem. It’s clearly not the only issue.

At best you aren’t compatible. Sounds more likely he’s a knobhead.

Original poster
Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 23:41

General twatfuckery Grin

I guess the general consensus seems to be that whoever was being unreasonable, were just not compatible?

I’d just like to take a moment to thank the power of mumsnet for providing life altering moments of clarity Grin

Now, can we get a consensus on the exact thickness of a British pancake... Grin

OP posts:
Firesuit · 20/07/2018 23:42

Clearly he's talking about thin bog standard thin pancakes like we cook on say pancake day.

Why is it clear? I have no idea how thick a "British" pancake is. Before this thread I had no idea there was such thing. In fact I know less than the OP, because I have no idea about American pancakes either. I can visualise a French one though.

And, ignoring that you've invented the fact that it was clear what he meant, if it was clear, why was she asking?

Why would you assume someone you know nothing about is asking a question for any reason other than she wants to know the answer?

It's almost as if you can't conceive that other people have different brains with different information in them, and therefore the reason they might ask a particular question might not be the same one that would explain you asking it.

I guess that's my diagnosis of why the DH did it.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 20/07/2018 23:43

Where you acting ignorant deliberately, or have you seriously never seen a British pancake?

I must be incredibly ignorant too - what the hell is a British pancake? I've had crepes on pancake day which I assume are French and at various other times I've had American pancakes - never have I ever seen a pancake described as British - what the hell are they?

FastWindow · 20/07/2018 23:44

Well I for one evangeline will go out there and say no such thing exists.

Grin
AmperoBlue · 20/07/2018 23:48

I am not op partner but I have exactly the same issue in reverse.

My partner will intentionally do or say something a bit obviously thick. I have no idea why but it's really frustrating. And it's often followed by sulking or walking out
So a recent example was an Easyjet flight booked to friends in 6 months timr.He wanted to discuss the time of taxi to the airport. I said bags opened at 12 or whatever. He made a big deal of knowing what the exact time the flight was. It's 2 hours after bag drop.
He would know this because he has done the exact route three times this year. But also because he flys somewhere every single month for the last 20 years.
Was I wrong to do an eye roll, get cross and refuse to tell him. Yes I had the flight time in front of me but it's not the point. Why was he asking and then making a fuss. It's a taxi ride 6 months away and he bloody knew really because flying is what he does ( and he'll play that card when it ruins).
It's so so annoying.

spudlet7 · 20/07/2018 23:50

@Firesuit Why would you assume someone you know nothing about is asking a question for any reason other than she wants to know the answer?

Exactly! This! And why would he assume that either? If he didn't understand how she couldn't know what a British pancake was, then maybe there's a good-natured joke/debate to be had, as on here. But you still answer the fecking question, without assuming she has some alternative agenda for asking. Ffs.

Also, there's something so mean about the word loser when used directly at someone like that.

Original poster
Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 23:51

Ampero I hate to say it but that is exactly the kind of thing I would do Blush perhaps we should just swap partners?

OP posts:
spudlet7 · 20/07/2018 23:52

@AmperoBlue yes you should have told him. Even while rolling your eyes lol Grin

UpstartCrow · 20/07/2018 23:53

Now, can we get a consensus on the exact thickness of a British pancake.

The first pancake out of the pan or the last one? Because I can usually use the first one as a door stop and the last one will be paper thin and see through Grin

Original poster
Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 23:53

Fire suit I think you’re right, he can’t imagine any thought process other than his own

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 20/07/2018 23:59

Never be in a relationship with someone who rages.

SassitudeandSparkle · 21/07/2018 00:01

Opposite for me Crow, I usually eat the first one myself because it is not the best and the last one can be thick as I get fed up with standing over the pan and empty all the batter in!

The OP says in her first post that she asked if they were like American pancakes or French - it's just that her DP said British, so not one of her options. It may not be the best example of a fallout between the OP and her DP (the sofa blankets, on the other hand ...) because yes, that does sound a bit nit-picking but the loser comment is not good.

AmperoBlue · 21/07/2018 00:03

spudlet but we've been together years. I know he knows the time between bag drop and take off time. Why keep asking me instead of saying " take off at 2pm then?"

Anyway. I would love to ask Evangelinedream what her partner gives her. Why she like him at the start.
I think mine puts me on a pedestal. I didn't ask for it and it's not been a feature of other relationships. . Do you think that could be it Evangelinedream?