For pancake gate to be the final straw?

[Evangelinedream]

Full disclosure- I’ve been really stressed recently so I’m fully ready to be told I’m being unreasonable. Anyway...

I have long standing issues with feeling like DP doesn’t respect me. He has made comments in the past about me “not being able to cope with life”, thinks I exaggerate how tough my job is, and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.

So tonight was pancake gate. He said he’d bought ready made pancakes for dessert and how many would I like? So I asked how thick are they - are they like American pancakes or French pancakes?

He refuses to tell me how thick they are and keeps saying “ they’re British pancakes, you know how thick British pancakes are”. After he keeps refusing to tell me I lose it and leave the room - he tells me to “get a grip you loser” on the way out.

After I couple of hours I go to ask if he’d like to talk. He says there’s nothing to talk about, I’m taking my stress out on him and he did nothing wrong.

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I think his refusal to answer my question simply shows how little respect he has for me, why did he have to carry on the stupid dance?? He reckons I knew how thick a british pancake was. Why can’t he just believe me and tell me?? Why does he have to try and teach me a lesson?

What does mumsnet wisdom think? Am I crazy or is he?

There was a helpful poster on a thread yesterday who was saying about a book on all the different types of abusive men called 'Why Does He Do That?' And they posted a quote about how it's not about a guy's inability to deal with his anger, the problem is his inability to deal with YOUR legitimate anger at the way you are being treated, and that's often where gaslighting comes in.

Definitely time to move on. And you can be eternally thankful to British pancakes for saving you from a life of wretchedness. This will ultimately be a wonderful happy ending story to pass on and down. 🥞

Sounds exhausting. You don't sound compatable (much like the poster above and her dp to). I suspect you annoy each other to the point of bringing out the worst in each other to press the other's buttons.

He doesn't sound like he respects you. It's an unpleasant eggshell treading place to be in, no? My instinct is that without him your stress will lessen.

Like the poster above small things become power plays. Not saying a pancakes thickness or the time of a flight is very petty and purposefully winding up and instigating an arguement. Not looking at pancakes yourself could in his eyes be you winding him up. If you had a good relationship then this wouldn't be the case.

i thought what googles as american pancakes was scotch pancakes. I make thick savoury ones not crepey like the OPs husband procured as British. Not sure what mine are, they are the size of dinner plates typical!

Me: What's a British Pancake?
DH: You know the thinnish ones like we have on Pancake day
Me: Great! I'll have 27 like I do on pancake day and then go to sleep on the sofa with a stomach ache.

What mathanxiety and a few others said.

Signs of emotional abuse

Lundy Bancroft’s Abuser Profiles

My first thought was that he didn't know how to answer the question in terms of 'which nationality pancakes' they are.

But instead of his obtuse and quite frankly annoying answer, a more reasonable / kind response would have been "Actually I'm not sure but they're about medium thickness, so try one to start with and see how you go".

It's far less effort to be kind than nasty, spiteful and mean in life, but some people are GF and he sounds like he get the prize for that.

To everyone pretending not to know what a British pancake is, are you being serious?

Are you being serious? There's no such thing as a British Pancake.

OP, find someone who will never take the good out of pancakes for you. Pancakes should be a happy thing. People who make your happy things sad are an emotional drain.

I'd never treat my wife like that.

There's a current thread running about why someone's DH never just answers the question, they have to give some different unrelated answer. Someone puts it down to being public school educated

It's obviously a current epidemic. It's bloody annoying whatever it is!

He is constantly rubbishing and putting you don’t isn’t he? This wasn’t about thickness of pancakes or his inability to answer questions - he was out to put you down again and he did, ‘you loser’ is appaling.

What’s his problem? Do you have a better job than him? Are you succeeding whilst he’s not? His behaviour smacks of either jealousy or wanting to put you in your place (or both!).

He’s a nasty piece.

No kids? Not married? I reckon you will soon be thinking 'thank goodness' or words to that effect..!

To everyone pretending not to know what a British pancake is, are you being serious?

I've never heard of "British pancakes" as a defined thing, but if I had to imagine ones, I'd imagine these, since they're the ones I run into in British shops with "pancakes" on the wrapper.

As to the "the kinds we make on Pancake Day", is there a specific kind? I thought people just make whatever pancakes they want? I'm not British, though, so might well have missed out on important pancake education.

As to the OP, like others have said, it's not about the pancakes, of course, especially with all your other messages. He calls you names and is unkind. Not worth wasting your life with.

@ZispinAndChaga I'm with you! And I can see what you mean with the picture, but I would call those Scotch pancakes. Never heard anyone call a pancake a British pancake!!

I know this isn't the point of the thread. Just never realised pancakes and the names thereof could cause so much controversy!

I wouldn't call those scotch pancakes as I live in Scotland and would jusy call them pancakes. I don't like the wee horrible thin ones that others seem to think are 'British pancakes'

And its the scotch pancakes I make on pancake day.

Yes. Those are pancakes. Scotch pancakes if you like. Anything thinner is a crappy crèpe.

There is no such thing as a British pancake. Those things people make are crèpes. If they are too thick for fancy French restaurants then that's down to the inadequacies of the chef.

Was it about pancakes ? It ain't working. Go see a counsellor.

Why didn't you just go and look? Your question would have annoyed me tbh. How does one define how thick a pancake is without measuring it? I'd liken it to asking how chunky the chips are. They come in all different sizes and thickness. Telling you they're mccains and not tesco wouldn't tell you anything about how chunky they are in reality.

Sounds like this relationship could be the cause of your stress. Use the clarity to reduce your stress. Good luck.

Breakfast pancakes or supper pancakes?

The day my dp said "get a grip you loser" to me would be the day he left. He sounds horrible.

I can see why he was annoyed with your question. Does he get into trouble if he bought the wrong quantity without checking with you? Sounds like it is incompatibility made you both not feel being respected.

Sounds like he's gaslighting to me which isn't on - it's a form of manipulation and a massive alarm bell xx

I can see why he was annoyed with your question

Really? Why?

DH: how many pieces of salmon would you like with dinner?
Me: hmm... how big are they?
DH: XXg
Me: Oh, I'll just have the one then.

Is that not a normal conversation? I think it is. The question is reasonable given what was being asked.

In Wales those are pikelets.

But I wouldn't stay with someone who called me a loser.