For pancake gate to be the final straw?

[Evangelinedream]

Full disclosure- I’ve been really stressed recently so I’m fully ready to be told I’m being unreasonable. Anyway...

I have long standing issues with feeling like DP doesn’t respect me. He has made comments in the past about me “not being able to cope with life”, thinks I exaggerate how tough my job is, and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.

So tonight was pancake gate. He said he’d bought ready made pancakes for dessert and how many would I like? So I asked how thick are they - are they like American pancakes or French pancakes?

He refuses to tell me how thick they are and keeps saying “ they’re British pancakes, you know how thick British pancakes are”. After he keeps refusing to tell me I lose it and leave the room - he tells me to “get a grip you loser” on the way out.

After I couple of hours I go to ask if he’d like to talk. He says there’s nothing to talk about, I’m taking my stress out on him and he did nothing wrong.

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I think his refusal to answer my question simply shows how little respect he has for me, why did he have to carry on the stupid dance?? He reckons I knew how thick a british pancake was. Why can’t he just believe me and tell me?? Why does he have to try and teach me a lesson?

What does mumsnet wisdom think? Am I crazy or is he?

@Walkingdeadfangirl I've spent the whole post thinking 'what is he talking about there's no such thing as a British pancake.' So yes, I've never heard of them.

There are American pancakes, small and thick. There are French crepes, which is what I eat on pancake day. What on earth are 'british' pancakes?

I'm with dementedpixie on this one - British pancake thickness could describe anything from the thickness of an American one or even thicker (how many of us prefer Scottish ones for instance if they sell them in supermarkets) to not much thicker than crepes for pancake day.

Perhaps you should have stuffed them up his arse, I bet he could have given you a really accurate answer about how thick they were then.

He's Mr Water Torturer, and you are according to him Ms E. Motional Wreck.
Coincidence? Nope.
(Google Lundy Bancroft Abuser Profiles)

It should be possible to ask an innocuous question and get a civil answer. It's always better to choose to be kind than to be right.

If you choose instead to goad and then call your partner a loser when she gets so frustrated that she gets up and leaves the room, you are abusive. This isn't a case of common or garden incompatibility.

My exH used to answer simple questions with a glare and sometimes a 'What's that supposed to mean?' Now he has a Brittany spaniel for company. I am sure he is much happier, just him and the dog and the rocks in his head.

A gentleman would show you the pancakes and ask how many you'd like. A mean bully would would call you a loser. Are you both married OP? Any kids? This sounds like a red flag to me....you can do better.

And on the question of pancakes - my mum used to make crepes for Shrove Tuesday and 'pancakes' occasionally on Saturday evenings, served with Golden Syrup alongside rashers, eggs, and a salad.

I make both kinds too. There is no difference between my mum's Saturday evening type and 'American' pancakes. So British/American (and in my case Irish pancakes) are all the same.

Shrove Tuesday 'pancakes', rolled up and served with lemon juice and sugar, are a version of crepes.

I cannot believe people are telling you to be grateful that he bought shop-bought pancakes shortly before telling you to "get a grip you loser" please do not be grateful for that!

The 'no common sense' thing...

Does he tell you that?

Is the relationship with him evidence of that, or does he just reserve the right to tell you that whenever he thinks you need taking down a peg?

I don’t often say this, but time to get out in my opinion. Life’s too short, as others have pointed out.

I was in a relationship like this. Please OP call it a day. You will never please him and he will always hold higher standards than you can ever match up to. If he loved and respected you he would have just said you know, like these, and shown you. Of course this isn't about the pancakes though. It's about his general disregard for you and his power play.

Ampero you really need to end your relationship too rather than continue the same power play with your partner. You clearly don't like or respect him much either. It would have taken you 2 seconds to just answer his direct question with a direct answer rather than turning it into a riddle. Sometimes people ask questions for information and sometimes they ask them for reassurance. Why would you not just give a straight answer.

I stayed in my relationship for years believing that I just needed to stop being so silly and scatty as he said. I'm glad to say that now I'm married to a man who genuinely loves and respects me and guess what? In my years with him I realised I'm not silly or scatty at all. That was just projection because of his power play.

He can moan at you but you can't moan at him. Actually the deal breaker is the personal insults. That's just a lack of respect. It can't be much fun walking on eggshells all the time either.

Forget pancakes, (another one here who would have no idea of the thickness of a British pancake), any partner that called me a "loser" would be an ex very quickly

Those of you saying we should know what British pancakes are are themselves mistaken and doing the usual substitution of English/British. Those are English pancakes and are thin however Scottish ones (also part of Britain) are thick so no saying a British pancake doesn't answer the question and actually makes me wonder about his intelligence.

well, I have to say, if you had asked me whether they were french or american pancakes, I wouldn't have had the faintest idea what you were talking about, not being at all familiar with either, and the only answer I could possibly have given would have been " they are just normal British ones", and if you kept repeating a question I didn't understand, and then flounced out, I would have been pretty annoyed and upset too

You both sound like squabbling kids. Why didn't you look at the pancakes to get an idea of how many you wanted? Then you would have had no need to "lose it". (Over the thickness of a pancake????!) You both need to get over yourselves and start acting like adults. To be honest, if I was offering my husband pancakes and he asked me what size they were, I'd let him get his own dessert!

This isn't about pancakes or their thickness, don't focus on that. This is about him calling you a loser and being mean and spiteful. You are not married and have no kids. You said it was the last straw so obviously lots elder has happened. There's nothing keeping you fin this relationship. You'll find all your anxiety gone if you just move on! Don't settle.

OP: this is about so much more than a pancake. If I were you I would seriously consider my life and where I want to be - and it would not include a man who spoke to me like that.

As for the pancake thickness debate - there is NO such thing as a BRITISH pancake. In the UK there is a real difference in thickness and size to English pancakes and Scottish pancakes (don't know about Welsh or Irish pancakes and do not want to insult anyone from there by wrongly quoting the size/thickness of their pancakes) so to the Posters saying to the OP who should have known only shows your own ignorance on the topic (who knew I would get that passionate about the ignorance surrounding pancakes )

OP I agree with the poster who said you will feel relief when you leave this relationship.

Ampere, maybe stop being a twat to your OH? You are not looking good on this thread.

This wasn't about the bloody pancakes at all as others have said. There was nothing wrong with your question - he could have responded in many different ways, all of which would have been fine, instead he picked a fight. It doesn't sound as though he likes you very much, never mind loves you. Don't go on the holiday with him. Let him go on his own - or if he refuses, you go on your own - and sort out where you go from here.

why didn't you just look yourself

He sounds like hard work, if your relationship is quarrelsome something like a simple question can become the last straw but it's up to you whether or not you stay with him.

He doesn't sound very pleasant - not the type of man you'd choose to spend much time with.

OP- it was a perfectly valid question. Why would you have asked unless you thought so too?

Even if your partner thought it was a strange question there was no need for him to be so horrible about it. When reasonable people get asked a 'strange question', they answer it.

He sounds nasty- really he does.

So, if British pancakes are not a thing and there's only crepes and thick pancakes like American, then what's a Scotch pancake? Isn't Scotland in Britain? Isn't it between a crepe and a thick American pancake.

If DH asked if I wanted a pancake I would know it was a Scotch pancake, because that's what we buy.

In our house this wouldn't have been an unreasonable conversation, and tbh if DH had asked continued questions about what pancakes they were I would have told him to get off his arse and come and look.

Of course, I fully accept that there is far more to your relationship problems than pancakes.

For all those insisting on British pancakes being a thing of certain size Google gives you these images. Not the same thing at all!

I was just thinking how this would have worked out with any combination of people in my house. All end with the pancakes being brought in and shown, so you can make an accurate decision.
But we all quite like each other, which I don’t think is the case here.

I don’t think either the OP or her DP sound horrible or abusive. Just incompatible and at a point where they find each other immensely irritating and frustrating. Yes, the DP called her a loser but only after she’d already lost it and walked out of the room.

If I bought a pack of English pancakes and DP asked if they were French or American ones I’d tell him they were English ones. If he then started asking how thick they were (and wouldn’t take “normal English pancake thickness” as an answer) I’d tell him to go look for himself if it mattered that much. We’d probably both be mildly irritated and he’d go and have a look. The fact that this escalated to the extent that it did was down to the behaviour of both of them. He was winding the OP up with his refusal to answer and she kept pestering for an answer to a question that could have been answered by walking to the kitchen to look or by google image searching “British pancake” on her phone.