For pancake gate to be the final straw?

[Evangelinedream]

Full disclosure- I’ve been really stressed recently so I’m fully ready to be told I’m being unreasonable. Anyway...

I have long standing issues with feeling like DP doesn’t respect me. He has made comments in the past about me “not being able to cope with life”, thinks I exaggerate how tough my job is, and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.

So tonight was pancake gate. He said he’d bought ready made pancakes for dessert and how many would I like? So I asked how thick are they - are they like American pancakes or French pancakes?

He refuses to tell me how thick they are and keeps saying “ they’re British pancakes, you know how thick British pancakes are”. After he keeps refusing to tell me I lose it and leave the room - he tells me to “get a grip you loser” on the way out.

After I couple of hours I go to ask if he’d like to talk. He says there’s nothing to talk about, I’m taking my stress out on him and he did nothing wrong.

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I think his refusal to answer my question simply shows how little respect he has for me, why did he have to carry on the stupid dance?? He reckons I knew how thick a british pancake was. Why can’t he just believe me and tell me?? Why does he have to try and teach me a lesson?

What does mumsnet wisdom think? Am I crazy or is he?

""I have long standing issues with feeling like DP doesn’t respect me. He has made comments in the past about me “not being able to cope with life”, thinks I exaggerate how tough my job is, and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.""

Sit down, have one last conversation about it, if you want to stay with him.

If not, or things don't change, leave.

This will be adding to your stress, or your ability to handle things.

He is deliberately upsetting you, to make out that you are incompetent and probably convince you that you deserve no better.

He is baiting you and then telling you that you are being irrational. Get out for your MH, sake.

1. to some pps asking actual questions (and giving advice!) about the pancakes, you may just possibly have missed the point.
2. Gaslighting.

You don't have to live like this.

no kids, unmarried

Good.

My ex would so shit like this. It’s a mini power trip designed to make you blow and him look saintly. Life is too short for petty power plays.

""He bought them - I’m very appreciative that he had made an effort, many wouldn’t. ""

Well they wouldn't last long in a relationship if they didn't.

As said, why feel grateful about anything which is above the level that should be done whilst in a relationship?

Scotch pancakes, Welsh pancakes, crepe-like pancakes, American pancakes, etc. etc.

As PP have said, it's not the argument itself it's more what is behind it that illustrates the lack of compatibility. Put's me in mind of Must Be This Tall to Ride's Open Letter to Shitty Husbands

If this is what he’s always like then I’d get out now. He’s maki g you doubt yourself and as you said, the whole pancake thing really isn’t the issue here. He’s supposed to be your partner, the person you can rely on, who will be there for you when times are good and bad.

Just asked dh what he would say if I asked this question and he's completely confused why anyone would reply anything other than the thickness or he'd just show me one for clarity. It's such a non issue but your dp created an issue. Bonkers!

If he was getting so wound up about pancake gate, why wouldn't he just go into the kitchen, fetch the packet and say 'look, that's how thick they are!' Not all the PA 'you know how thick they are' crap. That's exactly the sort of thing my ex would do just to engineer an argument to make me look unreasonable. Dick.

I had an ex like this. It's not about pancakes - it's about control.

I do appreciate that sounds crazy to some people, but that's what it is.

He was being awkward, why not just make it a bit clearer if you aren't sure what he meant by a British pancake. He could have easily explained how thick it was. Its not something to start an argument over unless you want an argument. Therefore he wanted an argument.

No kids, unmarried?

This is a no brainer, don't waste another minute on this berk.

Yeah I’d leave him

Gaslighting controlling fucker. He could have shown you the bloody pancakes!

That, plus the sulking after, calling you a loser, and you saying ut’s Longstanding?

Get out. No kids, not married? Hoo fucking rah. Nothing to tie you to this fuck.

He’s meant to love you! He doesn’t act like he does. You deserve more.

It all boils down to this - does he add value to your life, or make it more difficult?

The pancakes are just a red herring. I'd not want to be with someone who treats me the way you describe.

Sorry if I sound completely dim - what is gaslighting? I know I’ve heard the term but never understood what it was.

Birdsgottafly perhaps you’re right that we need to have a sit down conversation about it all. Things are slightly complicated by the fact that we’re going on holiday in a few days

This is what I mean Zaphod - I just don’t understand his thought process at all

A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, there's not meant to be a winner. Your DP seems to think he's 'winning'. I think he doesn't sounds very pleasant, is deliberating winding you up so he can strop off all aggrieved. Is it worth it?

Are British pancakes thin like crepes or thick like american ones or in between? Sounds like he's deliberately winding you up then insulting you when you get annoyed.

And thanks for everyone’s input so far, you’ve given me a lot to think about...

You are right. This is ridiculous behaviour, especially the horrible comment "get a grip you loser".

I have lived with someone like this - it is draining and soul destroying. I honestly don't know why they do it. Surely it can't make them happy?

You might not find someone better but you might be a whole lot better on your own.

Gaslighting

I have this but in reverse. He's killing me with his really daft non important questions from a bloke that's reasonable intelligent.

I see you asked him " how thick are they" and then he's said their British and you still keep going on about depth. Clearly he's talking about thin bog standard thin pancakes like we cook on say pancake day.. Why are you making this more than it is? Surely you could ask for one and say I'll another in a bit.

Genuine question but I have no idea why mine keeps asking questions that don't need an answer. Is it attention or just wanting to talk but not wanting to actually talk?

and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.

Are you saying if you were to knock over a glass of milk, he would go apeshit and call you a clumsy bitch who can't watch what the fuck she's doing and now the floor is ruined because it'll never come clean and will stink the place out and attract vermin but if he drops a glass of milk and catches you looking at the spill or him for a second with a less than totally neutral facial expression, you are a stupid bitch because it's only a bit of liquid that's easily wiped up and why do you always go over the top if he does the slightest thing wrong.

I've seen that scenario and others like it for real. If he's like that, get the hell out now because it only gets worse.

I can't really see the point of having a conversation about it - a conversation is a two way thing. I would just write him a letter telling him what a nightmare it is and get going. Maybe one day he will look at that letter and realise where he has been going wrong all of his life.

You have no kids with him and aren't married to him. He treats you like shit and makes you feel crap. Run. He will not improve if you add marriage or children into the mix.