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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For pancake gate to be the final straw?

227 replies

Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 22:09

Full disclosure- I’ve been really stressed recently so I’m fully ready to be told I’m being unreasonable. Anyway...

I have long standing issues with feeling like DP doesn’t respect me. He has made comments in the past about me “not being able to cope with life”, thinks I exaggerate how tough my job is, and often gets upset about things I’ve done that I’m not allowed to be upset with him about.

So tonight was pancake gate. He said he’d bought ready made pancakes for dessert and how many would I like? So I asked how thick are they - are they like American pancakes or French pancakes?

He refuses to tell me how thick they are and keeps saying “ they’re British pancakes, you know how thick British pancakes are”. After he keeps refusing to tell me I lose it and leave the room - he tells me to “get a grip you loser” on the way out.

After I couple of hours I go to ask if he’d like to talk. He says there’s nothing to talk about, I’m taking my stress out on him and he did nothing wrong.

I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I think his refusal to answer my question simply shows how little respect he has for me, why did he have to carry on the stupid dance?? He reckons I knew how thick a british pancake was. Why can’t he just believe me and tell me?? Why does he have to try and teach me a lesson?

What does mumsnet wisdom think? Am I crazy or is he?

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 20/07/2018 22:54

Gaslighting is a form of abuse,it's where someone makes you doubt yourself,ie they cause an argument but manage to convince you with manipulation that the argument was all your fault or if they're really psycotic they'll try to convince you that there was no argument and that you must be ill.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting sorry I still don't know how to do the links.

I'm not surprised your pissed of with him,he sounds very prickly,I hate people that act like that you end up feeling like your walking on egg shells incase the slightest little thing sets them off.

I've been in 2 relationships like that and the best thing I ever did was to get out.

Whisky2014 · 20/07/2018 22:54

The conversation wont go anywhere because he doesnt like you and think youre a loser and will see this as you putting more stress on him.

Just get rid

HemanOrSheRa · 20/07/2018 22:57

Are you serious AmperoBlue Confused?! It's not about the pancakes. How thick or thin they are. British, French or American.

checkingforballoons · 20/07/2018 22:57

I genuinely can’t believe no one has made a ‘there was no need for him to flip like that’ joke.
OP, hope you’re ok, he doesn’t sound very nice!

Original poster
Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 23:00

Thanks runkittyrun, reading now.

Ampero this is interesting- I do have a distinct lack of common sense and your comment reads like how I imagine he would describe how he feels? I’m sure it’s frustrating but I can’t help if I don’t understand something and don’t think it’s too much to ask for him to be a little bit kind and just rephrase.

Peanut I’d say he’s this but not so intense. Eg he once stormed into the bedroom raging because I hadn’t folded the blankets on the sofa and left them messy. He regularly leaves them messy, but if I ask him politely to tidy them up he tells me not to “give him jobs” and gets angry or starts talking about something I have left messy.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/07/2018 23:00

Why didnt you just go and have a look at the pancakes yourself?

It seems like hard work over nothing.

Assburgers · 20/07/2018 23:00

I think he didn’t know the difference between American & French & thought you were taking the piss.

Still, he could have just shown you. It all sounds very tiring.

UpstartCrow · 20/07/2018 23:01

Evangelinedream Leave him.
Then take the Freedom Program by Womens Aid.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
the-eye.eu/public/Books/Radical%20Feminist%20Literature/Gavin%20de%20Becker/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20%28123%29/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20-%20Gavin%20de%20Becker.pdf

and Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Geldhorn · 20/07/2018 23:01

amperoblue - fortunately once Brexit is complete we will able to have our British pancakes and eat them Confused

gorgeoushazydaysofsummer · 20/07/2018 23:02

Omg. Raging about the blankets, but it’s ok for him to leave them messy? Twat.

SandyY2K · 20/07/2018 23:03

Maybe you're just not compatible. He clearly doesn't think much of you. Life's too short for this.

ChestOfFields · 20/07/2018 23:03

When my ex did or said anything deliberately to make me feel stupid, at first I tried to be who he wanted me to be because I loved him so much!

Eventually I realised I didnt recognise myself any more.

So, in my head, each time he did it I thanked him for killing a bit more of my love for him, until I was strong enough to leave.
Took a while but it worked for me!

AmperoBlue · 20/07/2018 23:04

I also think asking how thick they are is a bit loaded. Like you will only eat them if they are a special size...notice you didn't actually say I'll have 2 thin or one thick, or whatever.

He got them for you two for tonight and you are making a big issue out of nothing. If you bought something for him and then he completely missed the point wouldn't you get cross?

SassitudeandSparkle · 20/07/2018 23:05

Do you ask a lot of questions like that, OP? Because it does seem a bit like points scoring on both sides which is usually a sign to me that the relationship isn't working for either side unfortunately.

The blankets on the sofa thing doesn't sound good though. Are you really thinking of going on holiday with him if things are like this between you?

Geldhorn · 20/07/2018 23:05

OP - just read your post to amperoblue - how your DP thinks is not your problem. Calling you "loser" & telling you that "you can't cope with life" is your problem - it will undermine you and make you feel bad about yourself. You don't need this kind of negative influence in your life.

Original poster
Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 23:09

Ampero I do see what you’re saying. I suppose I was just trying to respond to his question and not really thinking about the bigger picture.

And to the many who have left shitty relationships - congrats Grin

OP posts:
Geldhorn · 20/07/2018 23:10

ameperoblue - are you OP's DP?

OP - there is nothing wrong with the question you asked. Ask your DP what he would say if his mother asked that question? Would he call her a loser? Probably not.

Original poster
Evangelinedream · 20/07/2018 23:10

Thanks for the links upstart and holidays

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 20/07/2018 23:13

Your welcome Evangeline

FastWindow · 20/07/2018 23:14

arranfan I have just spent quite a bit of time reading the shitty husband stuff. At first I thought that it was written by a woman. But now I don't think so. Give that guy a post marriage medal, and a time machine...

MarcieBlue · 20/07/2018 23:14

It's hard to judge on this alone tbh as individually it's not a big deal but it seems a pattern to you.

SaltyPeanut · 20/07/2018 23:18

I used an intense example to make the point, didn't mean to make out he was that bad but in the end, it's all the same. He can do what he wants and you are not allowed to comment but if you do the same you will certainly be hearing his thoughts on the matter.

Also, the more he gets away with it, the worse he will become and you will never be able to stop it either. You can be as reasonable as reasonable can be trying this that and the other to stop things escalating to him making disrespectful hurtful comments but you will end up walking on eggshells and questioning your own sanity.

It's classic gaslighting and with the loser comment on top seems to be heading towards a pattern of emotional abuse.

You sound like a nice person, you could do better than someone who speaks to you like you've described.

quizqueen · 20/07/2018 23:19

Any chance you could have just got up and looked at them yourself to ascertain their thickness? It sounds like you both rub each other up the wrong way so perhaps you should both reconsider your compatibility with each other.

FastWindow · 20/07/2018 23:21

amperoblue you are either the ops DP or questions need to be asked about your own pancake status, because nothing you've said is remotely constructive. Sorry.

RubySlippers77 · 20/07/2018 23:21

Sorry to hear you had a rubbish time OP - and all about pancakes!! - Thanks for you (and Cake, whatever nationality you'd like!).

It seems like you're at the stage where you niggle each other constantly; is there any sign that things will improve? I had an ex who lashed out (verbally) regularly over the pettiest things - for me turning the music down in the car, for me not being able to collect his dry cleaning because he'd lost the ticket, and for me not buying some eggs from the shop even though I had no idea he wanted any. Happy days! When I finally told him enough was enough, he'd had enough chances and I was leaving, he blamed it all on work stress and begged for another go. I said no, and left. Never looked back...

Do you think the holiday will be make or break? On one hand you get to talk about any issues away from day to day things. On the other you might simply realise that you don't have much in common any more?