Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

[Marshmallowflumps1]

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

Not that it's at all passive aggressive but make a huge party of it on Sunday - loads of photos on FB and make Monday a non event IYSWIM

Make sure she can't win - she wants it as close to the actual birthday as possible - she sees that as the prize - let her believe it and as RandomMess says make Sunday amazing - which will be the FIRST celebration of cakes and candles for your beautiful little boy --- then he can tell her all about it...and you can enjoy the Sunday with nice family members who won't be 'acting out'.....she really is spoiling this for everyone.

But actually you dont want to be playing games, having your life compromised or railroaded by these toxic controlling people - dont let her suck the joy out of it......and everything else. She needs to be put into special measures to manage her.

Think through how you will manage her whilst on mat leave etc.

The grandparents commenting it isn't fair should maybe think back if they spent every child's birthday with their mother in law's! If they were at home all day then fair enough but they have made plans for the last birthday as a three!

*@cpayne351*I see you’re point that she provides reliable childcare, on a weekly basis and ds enjoys it. It admittedly saves us a small fortune each month and we are grateful.

But does a grandparent doing that really mean they get to dictate every Part of their grandchild’s life?if this is the case I’m thinking for dc2 we may just need to suck up the cost of childcare after my mat leave. And ds will be heading towards school age by then.
This is not a one off incident it started when ds was born.
My beloved gran cared for me and sibling when I was growing up regularly whilst dm worked. But I can’t ever remember her holding this over my parents and trying to dictate things. It’s even down to things like having an opinion which school he should attend, she will comment if she doesn’t like the clothes he wears and once changed a pair of trainers i bought him because she didn’t like the ones I had chose. She kept a pair at her house just for when he went there to change him into! I mean little things like that I can let go of but it’s the whole picture here that’s working me up a bit.
We always express how gtateful we are for the childcare they provide, and I thought that including them in family events shows that we don’t just bother with them/use them when we need a babysitter!
I actually feel a bit sorry for fil and dps brother but neither will they put their foot down with her.
This really is her loss however.
I do sometimes wonder if part of this is because there are other grandchildren living close by on my side of the family and they will be there on Sunday, and it bugs her that ds has close bonds with his cousins on my side. But it’s just all so silly and jealous she sees more of ds than my parents do! I thought these kind of antics were left behind in the playground.

wonder if part of this is because there are other grandchildren living close by on my side of the family and they will be there on Sunday, and it bugs her that ds has close bonds with his cousins on my side.

This rings true with me. My DM doesn't like to hear about DDs time playing with her cousins on DHs side when we've been down there for the day (we have no family on our side much). It's odd.

That bit about your hunch she's got the hump a bit because she was looking to turn up on the Tuesday and have DSs birthday morning with you at work sounds accurate. You've scuppered HER plans in her mind now.

As for earlier post: no, it's never too late to start sorting out your boundaries. Harder, the later you leave it, but there's no too late date.

Sorry haven't read all of this, but why on earth do grandparents need to be there on the child's actual birthday? And I say that as a grandmother myself.

Give this type of person an inch and they'll take a mile.

Wow - all those “little things” are a lot. She is ridiculous - sorry down to you to sort - you need DH onside.

I reckon she'll try and keep your DS up late on Monday having a good time with family as she'll see it leaving you with a cranky boy on his birthday and you can't complain because she would have come on Tuesday....

Having read your updates OP I can now better understand why you're not minded to indulge her on the Tuesday, she sounds hard work. That's a real shame she's thrown her toys out of the park about the Sunday though and I agree that you shouldn't go to any extra effort on the Monday.

I would be very clear with her that she and the family are welcome for an hour. There will be no cake and tea party. Just maybe coffee and biscuits or some such.

I think you’ve been backed into a loosing position on this one. Seeing what she is like you would be wise to turn it around. Just a text something along the lines of: sad they’ve decided not to come to tea party, ds may be cranky on Monday, too overwhelming for him to do another cake and you’re concerned he will be too tired to appreciate the gifts. Therefore it will need to be a fleeting visit from x to y time.

When it is time to go, usher them out of the door.

I think it’s really cheeky to do this to you tbh.

Don't let her manipulate you into keeping him up late on the Monday or he'll be all cranky for his birthday. She sounds awful. Put your husband in charge of getting rid of them Monday night then forget about it and enjoy his birthday on the Tuesday.

Don’t back down. But re childcare, perhaps sit down with her another time (after all this has settled) to talk through plans. Due to her controlling and overbearing nature I would suspect that if she doesn’t have the day with her grandchildren then she’ll just end up encroaching on your family time even more in evenings and at weekends. So I would be careful about withdrawing the childcare. What I would do is have a frank conversation with her about boundaries when she is caring for your child. If she will not respect your boundaries on the basis that she is providing the care for free then simply explain that you can look for a childminder/nursery - her choice. But equally make it clear to her that you decide when she visits, not the other way round. This all makes it even more important to stick to your birthday plans and make sure she leaves at least half hour before your son’s bed time. Also I would just ignore her “parenting” suggestions like which school etc. Simply nod and move the conversation on and then go with the school you decide on. Same with all other decisions. If she keeps going on then ask your husband to have a word. I have no idea why so many MILs are like this - overbearing and controlling. Have they no life?!

Just because your MIL wants things different to you doesn't mean she's controlling. Someone said your DH didn't have your back because he wanted his parents to see his child on his birthday. Actually, you don't have HiS back!
I'd be really upset if I were your MIL. The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is precious and should be nurtured. I can't see any reason why you wouldn't invite her to come round on the morning of his actual birthday. Your child would probably love it! You want to call the shots, you don't like her and you want us to collude with you. Fast forward to your child being the parent and his partner not welcoming you as a grandparent. Try to see it from her point of view too. No one will be harmed!

Ds will be in bed at 7.30 on Monday come hell or high water I can assure you all!

Bezn I have said several times on this thread if I am treat by my ds future partner the way I treat my inlaws I will honestly and whole heartedly be happy with this. Regular contacts with grandchildren, involvement in family gatherings, and involvement in the children’s milestones. I’d be really happy with it. I would not expect more rights than his dps parents or expect to have any right to dictate major decisions for ds and his future family, like try to control where they send their dc to school. It’s madness. And actually I don’t think I’d want those parenting responsibilities again, I’d want to be a gran. Spoil them a couple of times per week, come to the parties without the major organising/clear ups afterward, and so on. I suppose there are some mils out there who have been totally pushed out by their dil who is all for her family, but this is not the case here.

Scarlettrose some really good points there about childcare. I think I’m going to have to see how they are on maternity leave and try to keep some boundaries, if dc2 birth turns into the huge circuis of all about mil again, I will know it hasn’t had any effect!

Glad you haven't agreed to the Tuesday. Very pushy if your mil to want to come to the actual day having already seen him on the Sunday! Is it one upmanship over your parents?? She needs to take a small step back...this is your little family and you've every right to make special plans for his birthday with just the three of you. Also, please stop apologising for being hormonal! You're being perfectly rational. I'd have a few words with your dp regarding his 'easier to keep the peace and agree' attitude... no, it isn't easier, he's just scared to actually tell his mother no by the sounds of it. Agreeing to her plans every time means she'll just expect more in future, plus you have your own plans which should take precedent!

(I’ve had wine...) goodness my MIL was the same for our DCs first birthday but I didn’t budge and husband managed her. Although I did receive a 3 minute long WhatsApp video of happy birthday and lots of tears for DC... You stick to your plans, if she’s reasonable she’ll understand. My MIL isn’t which is why it’s a problem!

She’s had her children and this is your time with yours. Enjoy in the way you want to.

Yanbu

In my family there are quite often two gatherings for birthdays. A family one and a friends one.

You've looked at the logistics. Actual birthday is on a weekday so time off just for you three then meet with friends with young children too who are free and Sunday for family who are all free on that day. Its a sensible arrangement taking family into consideration while also doing what you want to do with your child.

GPS can be disappointed. Its ok to feel disappointed. Sometimes life is disappointing but as a grown up she could try getting over it. She's not being excluded from the birthday celebrations just not part of alllll the plans.

Just because your MIL wants things different to you doesn't mean she's controlling

You think it's ok to change a child's shoes 'just because you don't like them?'

I think OPs being more than fair throwing a family party to include everyone and now OP has to entertain again because MIL doesn't think it's special enough for her .... bloody rude!

I don't think either of you are BU but it wouldn't kill you to bend a little, you don't need the entire day alone the 3 of you, she only wants half an hour. My IL would just turn up at the house without ringing ahead and you know that's a pretty normal thing to do.

This is the sort of thing my mother would do. Totally force her way into whatever plans I’ve got just so that she gets her piece of the action. It’s a sort of power play to ensure that they feel included and is a bit pathetic. Especially since you have already made plans for the whole family. You could cave in but I wouldn’t. She needs to respect your boundaries as a family.

I agree its not unreasonable fot the mil to want to see her gdc? On their birthday but it id unreasonable to not accept 'no'.

Was thinking about this yesterday, and you can so see the people here who have relaxed relationships with in-laws and then those who are ready to do battle with 'don't give in to her' attitudes popping up. We have battles like this sporadically, sometimes we all get on great, other times I find them pushy to let the kids do stuff I don't agree with, while they find me too protective. My dm gets bitter that dmil lives nearby and so gets to see the kids way more, my dmil gets bitter when I decide I'm going to my own family home for an occasion because she thinks (wrongly) that we're leaving her family out. In the future I'm sure as a mil I'll do the same, I honestly think it's human nature but probably won't mean to as I'm sure they don't. The thing everyone has in common is that they want the child to be happy and they want to be there to see their reactions and delight in their excitement. I'm sure your dmil isn't trying to score points or win a battle (deep down ) and just wants to be involved, but can't help being pushy as you're saying 'we only want our little family but in the evening we'll be seeing friends.' She's thinking 'but I am part of the family' and she's right. If you try to stop seeing it as a big deal but see it from your child's pov, that it's a person they care about seeing them on their birthday? If you don't, fine, but just try to see it as your child's day too.

Re second cake... who’s going to bet with me that she’ll have baked one herself...

She’s now hijacked your Monday, next year don’t allow that to happen, it’s family do, then whatever works for you and dh.

And this is a woman who gives you free childcare on a regular basis? If so, it really wouldn't hurt to bend a little