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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 22/07/2018 08:00

If you are seeing friends on ds birthday then I understand why mil aka granny wants to see her grandchild

Even if for 30 mins at 10am then go out for day

Pumpkinbell · 22/07/2018 08:10

YANBU we always have our DD birthday party on a different day usually the weekend so all family friends can attend should they wish and then spend the day (after school now, but before used to be the whole day) doing something as a little family. We do let DD ring gp’s on thr day if she wants sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. You do what pleases you you pil’s will have to get used to it especially when school starts. Good luck

MrsAidanTurner · 22/07/2018 08:50

noisacomplete

You sound so reasonable and lovley. It just shows people can be normal and kind.

My Mil saw dd more than than my dp. One day we left dc with her so they could spend time with her them round Xmas but had to collect to take to my dp who had been ill (non contagious). We turned up and Mil wasn't there. She decided to take them to the the park. Then she held them back further. So selfish.

Mumto2two · 22/07/2018 10:25

Can’t believe someone actually thought you were being ‘precious’. As a grandmother herself...I can only imagine Hmm
You sound perfectly reasonable and inclusive OP, hope it all works out well.

ittakes2 · 22/07/2018 10:25

A lot of people have said he won’t know or remember - and that’s true at this age. But you consider his actual day so important that you and his dad have taken the day off work and are planning a lot of activities to make it special. So you must understand that your m’n’law could also view his actual day as special. I don’t like my m’n’law very much - but she is my children’s grandmother and I believe family is important. One of my favourite birthday memories is waiting for my grandmothers car to arrive as she would visit me on my birthday each year. It’s best to start as you mean to go on - if you can find tome to see your friends in the afternoon - if you really wanted to - you could find 10mins for his grandmother to see him.

ittakes2 · 22/07/2018 10:27

Sorry I forgot to include - we used to have family weekend parties for our kids but my m’n’law would ask to pop in for 10mins to give them their presents on their actually day. It’s 10mins - if you can’t find 10 mins for family then that’s a shame.

VanillaSugar · 22/07/2018 10:27

Is the party today?

dorisdog · 22/07/2018 10:57

YNBU. It amazes me how thick skinned some people are that they don't realise how pushy they're being. How does one grandparent end up believing they have more entitlement in a situation that other family members??

Lookingforadvice123 · 22/07/2018 11:13

ittakes2 OP and her DP are the child's PARENTS though. Surely it's understandable that a child's birthday is (and should be) more important to his parents than to his grandparents?

This is the issue with my MIL. She thinks that being a grandmother is essentially as important as a parent and that she has dibs over my child (when we see them for lunch etc, she will purposefully swap all the chairs round so she's sat by him, then take over all aspects of his parenting eg cut his food, feed him (even though he can feed himself at 2.5!). It's actually very disrespectful and DH pulls her up on it all the time but she ignores him, because "Nanny knows best".

nearlythesummer · 22/07/2018 13:02

My DH family are obsessed with seeing each other on the actual day itself. I've come to accept that it's their thing and just let them get on with it. It doesn't really matter if your MIL comes for half an hour, its not worth arguing over. I hope he has a lovely day!

Wadewilson · 22/07/2018 13:22

Hope you have fun today op

GreenTulips · 22/07/2018 14:08

ittakes2

Do you remember granny ditching your party? Getting the hump because your parents said no?

scaryteacher · 22/07/2018 14:59

Being laid back as a gp gets you rewards later - it was the laid back non interfering gm who got to go to ds's BA graduation.

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 22/07/2018 17:58

Have a great day for your son today! Hope he enjoys his party. Your MIL is being completely unreasonable and controlling. Her having him once a week (which she enjoys and is not a chore for her) does not get her special treatment. Your plans include everyone and i think you've been more than fair especially offering them to see him Monday night.
Some people will just never be happy.
It's good you have stood your ground as if you back down now then it'll be harder to say no in the future.
Hopefully this will make her see you won't be forced or guilt tripped into things.

GreenTulips · 22/07/2018 20:20

OP did she rock up by any chance 'just passing?'

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 22/07/2018 21:42

She did indeed come along today.
She did call, this morning, and said they had been thinking it would be a bit of a rush tomorrow night Hmm so they would pop in this afternoon.

Inlaws came, and she had brought food for the party table, and wine. Nice touch and I thought fair enough maybe this is make amends. Not to mention the ton of presents for ds.

But things unfortunately didn’t stay too rosy, we were all in the garden dc were racing about all having a good time, and my ds and my two year old neice both wanted the same toy. The usual toddler struggle followed, my sil (nieces mum) went to intervene but before she got the chance neice bit my ds! Luckily no lasting harm done, birthday boy is fine, sil gave neice time out, then encouraged her to say sorry, and they left soon after as niece clearly had enough sugar/sun and was over tired.
Sil and db are the first to admit they are having a bit of a hard time with neice, she is going through a stage where she seems to be lashing out over toys etc. But they seem to be trying to deal with it.
Inlaws however were a bit dramatic about it, saying that neice is never told off ‘properly’ and making out neice is like some kind of devil child. Now it is interesting to note, that whilst ds has thankfully never bitten anyone (yet)! when he has hit/pushed etc mil is the first to say he doesnt understand/it’s his age/the other child did something first.

The rest of my family left about 5.30. Inlaws still there, and then my dps aunt and uncle turned up out of the blue. They weren’t invited (if we started inviting mine and dps aunts and uncles we’d need to hire a venue!)
They said they were just passing and had a birthday card for ds.
Dp offered drinks, and kept offering drinks and kept offering drinks. By the time they left it was after 8.30pm. I just got on and did bathtime/bedtime for ds. They spent lots more time complaining about my neice and how naughty she supposedly is, and that my sil never disciplines her properly, although interestingly my db never got any of the blame!
They drank loads of wine and beer, and whilst that’s fine, it’s not like they were doing childcare, I think it was a bit much for a three year olds party and it seemed to end up more of a catch up for them than about ds.
Dp doesn’t seem to mind as he’s had a couple of beers himself, and thinks that they have met us half way by coming To the party and falling in with our plans.

So I’m now having a large Cake as I can’t have a large Wine.
Ds did have a lovely afternoon and was spoiled rotten.

OP posts:
VanillaSugar · 22/07/2018 22:00

So, your in laws are bitching about your brother's child? Hmm Seriously bad form. AND to turn up uninvited HmmHmm

Good luck on Tuesday. Bach's Rescue Remedy is amazing.

GreenTulips · 23/07/2018 00:08

Isn't have no issue with SIL taking the child out to speak/time out! What's the point in shaming a young child in front of others (one of mine was a biter)

Sounds awful! Did BIL come?

user1472151176 · 23/07/2018 06:32

Been there suffered that! YANBU. My MIL used to say every year that the date I organised my DD party was tricky but not to worry she would throw another party at a more convenient time. Nope nope nope. 1 birthday party per year!

another20 · 23/07/2018 09:13

She is ridiculous:

To demand coming on Tues
To sulk and complain when offered Mon
To then mess your plans around for a 3rd time and decide to come Sunday
To invite her sister along to socialise without asking you.
To dominate and opinionate (nastily / unconstructively) repeatedly on your DN.

You need some one liners to shut her up when she is spouting off negatively - it is inappropriate and anti social for your party.

V badly behaved - as expected for these type of people.

She will rock up or disrupt Tues - how will you handle? Do you have your OH on-side?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 23/07/2018 09:20

DS2 only has one set of grandparents, he never knew DH's side. My DP split up before I was born. DF can usually only do weekends as his wife works and they have a dog and a 16yo to look after. Hmm at looking after a 16yo. DM usually comes on DS2's birthday. We may not have much room for her this year, as we're having a tiny party in our tiny flat, and even with 2 extra children it will be a full house!

Lookingforadvice123 · 23/07/2018 09:38

She sounds scarily similar to my MIL OP. Mine wouldn't go as far as to bitch about dnephew, but it's clear she prefers my DS and she always says things like "oh dnephew doesn't like me" (he's 2 and they love in another country so barely see them...).

SaveBandit · 23/07/2018 10:47

Glad that DS had a lovely party yesterday. Hopefully MIL will leave you alone today and tomorrow and you'll have a lovely day with you family.

ThanosSavedMe · 23/07/2018 18:57

Hopefully they won’t turn up tomorrow but I wouldn’t put money on it

PatheticNurse · 23/07/2018 22:26

I wouldn't be surprised if they just "happen to be passing". Don't answer the door!

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