Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

[Marshmallowflumps1]

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

So you are happy to take the free childcare but not to be flexible so that she can see her grandchild on their birthday. That's highly selfish.

If I were her I'd be very hurt and would put myself first and stop the free childcare given it's taken for granted and she's clearly not seen as important to the family.

That's highly selfish

What? She's talen a day off work to relax and have a leisurely breakfast unwrapping gifts and hanging about in PJs ....... who want to entertain at that time in the morning?

MIL has her family party and it's not unusually to have these at the weekend is it?

Why should OP bend over backwards for someone imposing? Why shouldn't MIL accept the family party and let her done and DIL get on with their day?

The OP doesn't let MIL get on with her own thing as expects free childcare to suit her. Yet it's the MIL who is in the wrong for dare wanting to have a small amount of time with their grandchild on the birthday

Thing is in this case "you should be grateful for the free childcare and therefore allow MIL x y z"

Well this MIL very much WANTS her DGS to herself at least one day a week (without parents around for it to be the 2 of them) and she wants and gets family time with them. However she doesn't respect that sometimes DIL wants it to be just the 3 of them...

I think MIL will be devastated if they stop her having her DGS for the one to one...

Agree the MIL is no shrinking violet and wouldn’t do the childcare unless she really wanted to. Can’t understand the attitude on here to grandparents and childcare. I accept that there are some grandparents who have no interest in spending much time with their grandkids or who just aren’t up to looking after them for any length of time, but a lot of them do want this. Also you have to consider the difference between parents who both work full time and those with a stay at home parent. The latter generally has far more time and flexibility about when the grandparents visit and because they have them all day in the week is more likely to give the grandparents that one on one time with the kids at the weekend and during special events like birthdays. But working parents? Much less time and flexibility and weekends will be spent rushing to get chores done and then spending as much one on one time with the kids as they can. So they have much less opportunity for grandparents to have the one on one time with the grandkids. Clearly this isn’t a problem for grandparents who are happy to see their grandkids maybe once every few weeks or a month but this mother in law - by her behaviour towards the grandkid’s birthday - doesn’t fall into that category. The childcare she provides is mutually beneficial and she shouldn’t hold it over the parents to get what she wants.

I can't remember if we've seen our grandchildren on their actual birthdays but we've always seen them on the weekend before/ after their birthdays. We work, the kids work, the grandkids have school, nursery etc.
I look after my grandson a couple of days a week, have done since he was 3 months old. It saves a fortune in childcare BUT it's a privilege (for me) not an automatic right. It gives me no rights to dictate anything. His other grandma lives overseas so she only sees him when she's home for a month. However, when she is home she absolutely has "first dibs" on him, even if it's on "my days", iyswim, as I insist on that.
We're very lucky, most family live locally so we all chip in with having him, sometimes there's too many of us wanting him! Our other grandchildren come here a lot, but my DIL tends to go to her mum first for babysitting etc, as it should be but there's no animosity here.
Your mother in law is batshit.

YANBU! We do this similar sort of set up with my dc every year! The GPS are all fine about it. What will she do when he’s at school?

I find it odd your mil is so fixated on the actual day?! He’s 3, he won’t know what day it is?! Do what’s best for you.

@boxsetsandpopcorn I don’t expect free childcare she wishes to provide it.
She’s actually upset that he’s entitled to 30 free hours at nursery soon and it will cut her day short as it’s a school nursery so it has to be six hours Monday to Friday each day, this is the only way they can do it. She thought it would be less than this or the hours would be condensed so she was still having a full day.
My dm used to also help with childcare but for health reasons can’t at the moment. But I never got any of this crap from her.
If you think that doing some childcare you want to do, that probably meets your needs just as much as your child/their partner and grandchild, entitles you to free reign over everything, then god help any future dil/sil of yours.

If this situation doesn’t change, I will be stopping the childcare arrangements, as whilst I am very greatful, we never agreed that it was in exchange for her to have control . I don’t doubt mil would be incredibly upset if this was the case, but if things don’t settle down on my second lot of mat leave, then this will have to happen because I’m really fed up of the situation now and I’m not ‘paying’ for childcare by being emotionally blackmailed or manipulated. When all said and done I’d rather pay a childminder money.

Stick to your plans OP. I can almost guarantee that if granny is allowed her way and gets to pop round on birthday day, you'll be stuck with her all day. Speaking from experience! Your DH will feel guilty chucking her out so you can get on with the day you've already planned and will persuade you to let her come.

Be firm OP!

YANBU
You shouldn't be giving reasons why/explaining yourself to mil. Those are the plans and that's that.
Quite frankly batshit that she's arguing with you over birthday plans and missing her dgc birthday tea on purpose!
Back on planet earth.. your mil is way out of linequality here.
You really need to make firm boundaries with people like this and stick to them.

It baffles me on here how some people are of the opinion that anyone receiving free childcare should just bow down to the person providing it, no matter how unreasonable the request.

In this incidence especially, the childcare arrangement benefits the MIL just as much as OP.

My parents have provided me with lots of free childcare over the years, never once has that come with conditions or expectations that they get to be at every event or make any decisions regarding my DC. Maybe that's the reason I invite them to most things, when possible.

OP is definitely not being unreasonable here at all. She's offered MIL extra time already, and is willing to accommodate the in-laws on a separate evening. She's more than entitled to continue with her planned day as a family of 3, then seeing friends later in the day. Most people would be more than happy with the Sunday tea party, plus the added offer of Monday evening. Only someone selfish, entitled and wanting to make it all about them would keep insisting on more time.

And she isn’t asking for more time anymore just specific to suit her.She has turned down the kind offer of attending a party with in laws on the Sunday. She could go so presumably nothing pressing has cropped up but she is choosing - because she isn’t getting her own way - to snub them all. I’d be withdrawing Monday’s invite. The childcare for me isn’t free if it comes with a heightened sense of entitlement.

Just because a grandparent helps out with childcare does not give them the right to impose their wishes on that of the immediate family, it is not as if she has not been invited to a wider celebration - I would see it as a good opportunity to set boundaries.

My mil hates me because I stole her son
On our dcs first birthday we let her take him for 2 hours. But I was still sent text about how controlling I was because I was stating times. In reality I didnt want to be away from my son at all on his birthday but I did it to keep the peace.
I then realised nothing will ever be good enough and have gave up pleasing her. The stress has reducded so much now.
Stand firm with her. She will continue to push if she is the same as my mil

Do I sound really uncaring if I say it doesn’t matter to me whether I see my DGS on their actual birthdays or not? Or whether I’m invited to their parties or not (sometimes I am, sometimes it’s friends only)? I make sure they have a card and the present suggested by their parents, or cash if that works better, make a cake if asked to, and sit back letting the chaos reign wherever it happens. I usually get sent a photo of them opening the present and looking suitably thrilled, and I always get a thank you. Job done, everyone’s happy.

I am so glad my MIL doesn’t live close enough to try and offer childcare (I wouldn’t accept).
Stick to your guns and do your DS’s birthday how you planned.
Last year we did a party for my DS’s 2nd birthday and invited DH’s family and DS’s friends. We invited by paperless post so they should have seen it was a party for lots of people plus we’d told them previously! They turned up thinking they were the only ones coming and my MIL sulked all afternoon. We’ve already vowed not to invite them this year. My family didn’t even come because there’s always drama from my DH’s family (long story) but we’ve decided we’d rather our DCs (and us) have fun than accommodate the side of the family who complain whatever we do!

Your mil is being ridiculously unreasonable. Don't let her.

Also my DM always says the day doesn’t matter so they’re happy to come whenever. They say the same at Christmas (my husband often works so this is really freeing). We’re trying to set the same precedent for our family in the future.

My MIL is just like this! Stick to your plans, they sound lovely and fair. He’s only 3, seeing him on his actual birthday shouldn’t be that big of a deal to anyone other than his parents who made and gave birth to him, the party is for other relatives to celebrate.

I want to do something similar for my DS’ third birthday this year as we’re in a similar position (I’m pregnant) but it’s awkward as DS’ birthday is Boxing Day, so we will be at my parents’ anyway and it feels unkind not to have the PILs even if we’re not doing a proper party (----and even if we have done proper parties for the last two years which my parents have hosted and PILs turn up half hour late, insist on DS sitting by them and opening their presents first
😡).

OP just seen your update about childcare - my MIL has ds one day a week too (soon to be only one half day as he starts part time play group in September) and DH and I both regret having her so involved. We’ve already agreed that the second won’t have any “set days” of childcare with her, even though it means paying for another day of nursery when the offer of a free day is available!

I went on holiday for my dd 2nd birthday. We saw family before and when we got back. She also had lots of birthday cake.

We went to see the Incredibles 2 and SPOILER ALERT the short film was about a mother who loved her son so much and she hated his girlfriend, so rather than let him move in with her SPOILER ALERT she ate him.

I hope I'm never like this with DS and any DGC.

As a grandmother I would go with what works for you. He’s three he won’t know any difference what day you choose to have his party your MIL is bein unreasonable

Pretend on Monday that she got the date wrong and his actual birthday was on Sunday. And stick to the lie until he turns 18

YANBU - she sounds like a total pain in the arse.

I hope you have a lovely party with your df and dm and more fool crazy MIL for ditching that in favour of the witching hour! She sounds very controlling!! Never a bad time to set boundarys, stick to your guns and do what works for you and your family unit! YANBU!!! Those that think you are are as bonkers as your MIL. Enjoy the lovely birthday plans and the last one as a family of 3, I hear you on that as I'm sure a lot of us do! You sound like a lovely DIL