Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

[Marshmallowflumps1]

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

Just wanted to say, you sound so nice and understanding about your niece. I had a biter (a few years ago now) and had plenty of people say I was too soft or too hard on my child. It felt awful at the time. I bet your sil appreciates your understanding more than you realize. Sorry to change the subject, just liked your reaction so much. Hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to your little man. Enjoy your family day.

Has your MIL arrived yet?

Happy birthday miniMarshmallow! 🎁🎂🎈🎉🎊

Surely this would be too early even for such a complete narcissist. Although...

My aunt ruined my first Mother's Day and my first Easter with DD2, by turning up when we'd normally still be in bed. Also, I wasn't celebrating Mother's Day for various reasons. When she'd gone I spent the rest of the day in tears.

If you are seeing friends on ds birthday then I understand why mil aka granny wants to see her grandchild

No MIL does not get to dictate what others plan on their special days - how would she like people dictating to her what she should b doing on her birthday? It's rude to throw yourself on others when they've said no - she said still his grandma and she's still celebrated his birthday

Hope you're still having a nice lazy morning in PJ's!
What you've described sounds like many family celebrations I've been to. One celebration for family, one for child's friends. Everyone included, it just can't always happen on the actual day.

Hope today has been a really fun family day, just the 3 of you.

hope you’ve had a lovely day without any unexpected visitors xx

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I can't understand all the posters who are giving you a hard time OP. You're plans sound lovely and special for all involved. Why should you feel guilty for wanting to have a special birthday experience with your ds before his baby sibling is born. It's literally an experience you will never have the chance to repeat.

I do wonder though, is your MIL likely just to show up on his birthday anyway?

Thank you for ds birthday wishes.

We did indeed have visitors this morning.
I really thought they wouldn’t do this (more fool me) after they had the party, and the unofficial after party with mils sis and dh that they decided to arrange themselves on Sunday night at our house.
They turned up and let themselves in this morning (have a key) in before 10.00. I’m still in (very small given the weather) pjs, but sadly not looking like Cheryl Cole (I’d blame the pregnancy but didn’t have a hot bod before ). Dp is helping ds assemble new toy.
They said they had a present they’d forgotten to bring on Sunday and this was the reason. I just went straight upstairs to make myself decent.
Dp looked annoyed, he didn’t offer drinks or initiate small talk, just let them give ds the gift asked him to thank them and didn’t say anything else. They’d gone by the time I came back down stairs.

We have had a lovely day as planned afterwards
Ds thoroughly enjoyed himself.

@frogscotch7 thank you. My neice is a lovely little girl she’s just having a difficult two year old phase at the moment. My dB and sil will get it sorted they seem really balanced with their response and I’m sure she will settle down. It’s just typical toddler behaviour when frustrated really. Gone on since the start of time, luckily they all grow out of it eventually, but only mils sons have never behaved this way! Oh and my ds is also perfect according to mil, although I could certainly say otherwise having seen it with my own eyes!
I just need to learn some good one liners to make it clear that she won’t be getting her own way in the future, and also I’m not going to listen to any more of her bitching about my family. Poor sil did look mortified at their disapproval on Sunday I felt for her.

Next year I may book a holiday for ds birthday and leave the country for the week! I will have to keep the destination under wraps however or she may just be behind us on the flight

Sounds like you need to make a point of asking for your key back...

No words! But def get that key back or have to change the barrel!

I doubt they had "forgotten" to give your son one of his gifts. Most likely your MIL just trying to one up you. But definitely get the key back.

I agree figment, this was planned when they rang and said they would come to the party on Sunday and wouldn’t bother on the Monday after all.
This was completely planned to get her own way about things. Although all she has done is ensure that dp has seen I have been right about not giving them an inch, because they will just take a mile.

What an absolute beeeyatch

Awful. You lost your keys today, didn't you? Very bad timing, probably best to get the locks changed. Of course it's been a busy week so it might slip your mind to tell MIL that they've been changed...

Hope you and DH had a lovely day with DS.

So predictable. Vile behaviour - in everything she does.

But it is REALLY REALLY important that your DH does all of the wrist slapping, otherwise she will turn it into a issue about you.

So if the key is coming back - then he asks for it.

If she is rude and puts down your family, then you need a code word or behaviour that alerts him to step in and say "Enough Mum - stop doing x / saying y, you are being anti-social/rude/inappropriate" if he is with you.

He also needs to agree to never to commit to anything unilaterally with her without discussion with you no matter how inoccuous it might seem.

You could also bring it out in the open with friends and family how difficult she is, so that you can give them an eyeball (in plain sight) and they can step in and support as well.

You need to be on high alert and think ahead what she will get up to next....but also stop her every single time she steps out of line. Expect her to kick off - but weather that one - short pain / long gain and all that.

I think we all knew she'd turn up on your doorstep no doubt wanting a fab welcome tea and an invite to the rest of the day .....

Your DH has made the first steps .... keep holding his hand

Nope i think your plans sound great and they include everyone. Mine and dps family respect we are very private people and we do our own thing they never try and muscle through the door on our dds birthday. They both have always said they have had their time they are grateful for the time they do and don't see why we should host people at Christmas and birthdays as we dont get to really relax and enjoy it so they stay away unless they are invited or we decide to pop in and see them. Tell mil to back off.

Sorry just read your update. That is so sly. Ask for you key back and next year I would go away for your ds birthday. You should start winding her up and start talking about fake plans to move country.

I think you should take the opportunity to stop the child care by grandma when your DS goes to 5 day a week nursery.

Go to an ad-hoc babysitting occassionally set up instead.

Have a word to the midwifes that last pregnancy/birth she was completely intrusive and you'd like her kept away this time.

MIL like this need very clear, very firm boundaries and no give at all.
Like you said, given an inch, they'll take and take and take.

You really have to get the locks changed, especially before little one arrives

OMG get that key back!!

Or 'lose' yours and change the lock. First thing.