To think this is a petty power play and not sure how to deal with it?

[BanananananaDaiquiri]

DH and I recently moved in with his parents while we wait for our house purchase to go through. To be clear, we're not freeloading - we're paying rent and contributing to household expenses in other ways, as well as buying our own stuff as usual.

MIL is lovely, I've always got on well with her so living with her is no problem at all. FIL is another story. He's the sort of person who is never wrong, never apologises, knows everything, would argue black is white, talks over people etc. (Fortunately DH took after his mother!)

FIL and I are the only ones working. I work M-F 9-5 and get a bus to work from their village, which takes about 30-35 mins depending on traffic. The buses are every half hour so to be sure of getting to work on time, I've been aiming to get the 8.00am bus which gets me to the office with 10-15 minutes before start time to get logged on, make a cuppa etc. Perfect.

FIL works as a sort of delivery driver and has variable start times, but usually leaves the house around 7.15-7.45am, and obviously has a certain amount of flexibility as he's using a vehicle and can pretty much plan his own routes. This is where it gets petty and annoying. They only have one bathroom, and no matter how carefully and clearly I try to arrange with FIL each evening what time we can both use the shower the following morning without either of us ending up late for work, he always manages to be in there when we'd 'agreed' (or so I'd thought) that it would be my turn. It's not that he didn't understand or got confused; he makes it quite clear that he's just "changed his mind" or "decided to have a shave after all". Three times now (in two weeks) I've ended up missing the bus and being late for work. My manager is reasonably understanding but we don't have flexitime so sooner or later I'm going to be in trouble if this goes on.

It sounds ridiculous but it's really stressing me out! I've tried getting up stupidly early and getting in before him but it's as though he listens out for any sound from our bedroom - whether it's my alarm, or just me moving around as I get up (creaky floorboards etc) I'm not sure, but he literally races to the bathroom and practically shuts the door in my face with a smug grin. DH has tried having a word with him and he's got nowhere either. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with the 6-8 weeks+ we've got left here.

(Dashing off to a hospital appointment shortly so if I don't reply, it's nothing sinister.)

I would ask him to clarify when it’s you turn to use the bathroom
In front of everyone

Shower the night before and keep a toothbrush in your room. That way all you'll need the bathroom for in the morning is a wee. Make sure he knows you won't need the bathroom in the morning and he'll stop doing it. He is being an arse!

Shower in the evening? Not ideal when its hot but would solve the problem presumably?

I already do, blackfootdaisy! That’s what’s so frustrating - I’ve taken to asking him over the dinner table when all four of us are there, but whatever we’ve agreed he just blatantly disregards it the next morning.

I suffer from hyperhidrosis so I’m super paranoid if I don’t shower each morning, but I might have to switch to evenings - I haven’t seriously considered it up to now because it would feel a bit ‘icky’ but it’s better than losing my job for persistent lateness, I guess.

Sounds like FIL enjoys inconveniencing you so it doesn't matter what is agreed, weirdo.

Can you have a shower before you go to bed? Take the pressure off in the morning?

He sounds delightful! if he's going to be petty like that I'd play him at his own game; set your alarm for ridiculously early and make some moving about noises then lie in bed enjoying the fact that he's got up at 6am to spite you. Can you have a shower in the evening so if you're really stuck you can forgo one? And instead of confronting him, I'd mock him- start referring to him as a teenage girl etc. He wants you annoyed- if he thinks you're laughing at him and not showing that you're inconvenienced then his power play falls flat.

Can you just shower the night before and brush your teeth in the kitchen sink ?

Definitely a power play by FIL and best just to remove yourself from it

I know it's not ideal but could you shower before bed for the remaining period? Do they have more than one toilet (I know you said one bathroom but thought I'd check) then you can space in the morning and not let this get to you.

It's not the best solution but the alternative is having a row which he seems to be inviting.

Of he then gets shirty about you using the loo before him you can have it out and tell him you've even changed shower times till evening to suit!

Anyway hope it gets sorted. Keep your eyes on the goal .....you'll be in your new home soon x

Fit a lock to the bathroom door and keep all keys. 😀

Although seriously, I would not put up with that! Tell him you have been given a disciplinary for being late for work then go live in a hotel.

This is how I’d deal with it. I’m not saying it’s ‘right’ or my advice. I should add I’m not good at being controlled and this would really make me angry.

I’d ask him, outright, in front of everyone, what his problem was with me and the shower.

‘FIL - why do you change your mind about the shower every morning after we’ve agreed timing every night? Do you take pleasure in making me late for work? Or are you somehow exerting your power over me because I’m a guest in your home?’

Either he’ll tell you to fuck off and therefore the argument is out in the open or he’ll get embarrassed.

If you’ve got 2 months left I’d be looking to see if I could afford an Air b&b or similar or can you go elsewhere on your own and leave your DH there. Do you have children

I must say, my DH would feel with this properly on my behalf though.

Since it seems like he's doing it on purpose, you could work out strategies with your DH. You shouldn't need to have to do it, but if it's better than moving out for you, it might be worth a try.

Get your DH to go straight to the bathroom as soon as you're up, then you can knock and tell him you're coming in, your FIL won't be able to do that?

Move out. There is no dealing with someone like this. You can then go about your life and not owe him a thing. The time will come when he needs some kind of help or support and you will be under no obligation to provide it.

Seems like a very passive aggressive way of telling you you’re not welcome.

I would find somewhere else to stay, I think.

Not ideal but treat it as a camping experience. Couple of washing bowls in your bedroom - one filled with water the night before and a flannel. Go to the loo at work or get a 'she-wee' for the bedroom.

I would get up early and let him dash in whilst I had a cuppa

So if you get up really early, does he stay in the bathroom until it's too late for you to have a shower and still catch the bus?

No showering facilities at work? (most offices don't so not surprised)

Shower night before, keep wet-wipes in the bedroom. Pee in a cup if you have to!

Work backwards: If you want to be in bathroom at 6:45 and he takes 15 minutes when he uses it, set alarm for 6:15. Let him go in and then you get it at the time you actually want it.

6 weeks will go quick.

What an arse!

FIL sounds like a complete asshole. I agree with others about showering the night before and wet wipes. I wouldn't like to do that either but it is better than being stuck in this battle.

I don't understand why people feel the need to be like this. It is going to permanently sour your relationship with him.

Yes I agree with others, he is clearly doing it on purpose so the best solution is just to shower the night before. Not ideal, but I did it for a while when I had a job with very early starts.

To be clear, we're not freeloading - we're paying rent and contributing to household expenses in other ways

Reduce your rent, to match the reduction in services.

How horrible for you to be experiencing this.

I would refuse to pay any money for upkeep and only pay for food.

That level of stress would drive me nuts.

Can your husband get up before you? Walk out first and then let you in? Worth a try to see the look on FIL's face.

If he rushes in when he hears you in your room, can you set your alarm half hour early, make a bit of noise on purpose, hear him rush in, then get back in bed / have a cuppa for half an hour then stroll in the bathroom when he is finished?

Or does he drag it out so it means you have no time?

What sort of time have you been getting up? Have you tried getting up at 6.00/6.30am? Then even if he rushes in you'd surely have time to shower afterwards?

It does seem to be a PA way of saying you're not welcome however if you really need to stay there then you'll need to find a way around it.

Call him out on it. Nicely but firmly and make it clear that it is causing you problems at work because he keeps making you late. Ask him if there's a reason why he keeps going into the bathroom when you've already agreed usage times.

If you are paying the for being there then you have as much right to use the bathroom as he does. If he carries on being an arsehole then I'd find an Airbnb and move out.