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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a petty power play and not sure how to deal with it?

175 replies

BanananananaDaiquiri · 19/07/2018 10:16

DH and I recently moved in with his parents while we wait for our house purchase to go through. To be clear, we're not freeloading - we're paying rent and contributing to household expenses in other ways, as well as buying our own stuff as usual.

MIL is lovely, I've always got on well with her so living with her is no problem at all. FIL is another story. He's the sort of person who is never wrong, never apologises, knows everything, would argue black is white, talks over people etc. (Fortunately DH took after his mother!)

FIL and I are the only ones working. I work M-F 9-5 and get a bus to work from their village, which takes about 30-35 mins depending on traffic. The buses are every half hour so to be sure of getting to work on time, I've been aiming to get the 8.00am bus which gets me to the office with 10-15 minutes before start time to get logged on, make a cuppa etc. Perfect.

FIL works as a sort of delivery driver and has variable start times, but usually leaves the house around 7.15-7.45am, and obviously has a certain amount of flexibility as he's using a vehicle and can pretty much plan his own routes. This is where it gets petty and annoying. They only have one bathroom, and no matter how carefully and clearly I try to arrange with FIL each evening what time we can both use the shower the following morning without either of us ending up late for work, he always manages to be in there when we'd 'agreed' (or so I'd thought) that it would be my turn. It's not that he didn't understand or got confused; he makes it quite clear that he's just "changed his mind" or "decided to have a shave after all". Three times now (in two weeks) I've ended up missing the bus and being late for work. My manager is reasonably understanding but we don't have flexitime so sooner or later I'm going to be in trouble if this goes on.

It sounds ridiculous but it's really stressing me out! I've tried getting up stupidly early and getting in before him but it's as though he listens out for any sound from our bedroom - whether it's my alarm, or just me moving around as I get up (creaky floorboards etc) I'm not sure, but he literally races to the bathroom and practically shuts the door in my face with a smug grin. DH has tried having a word with him and he's got nowhere either. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with the 6-8 weeks+ we've got left here.

(Dashing off to a hospital appointment shortly so if I don't reply, it's nothing sinister.)

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 19/07/2018 11:42

Remember the story of the last little pig? The only way he could outwit the big bad wolf was to keep getting up earlier and earlier. Sorry to compare you to a little pig!

VimFuego101 · 19/07/2018 11:45

Get a sleeping bag and pillow and camp out in the bathroom overnight. Or the swim/ gym suggestion (not that you should have to but it will allow you to shower in the morning).

Bibesia · 19/07/2018 11:45

Get up early, once he's shot into the bathroom make yourself a cup of tea, relax till he leaves it. If you're up for it, get up earlier and earlier so that all he's achieving is to deprive himself of sleep without inconveniencing you in the least.

ch0c0milkrox · 19/07/2018 11:46

can you move in with your parents or a friend for a bit?

Eminado · 19/07/2018 11:48

You've had lots of suggestions about how to deal but I just wanted to say gosh your FIL is a DICKHEAD!

shoelaces · 19/07/2018 11:49

Tell him work have asked you to do an extra hour overtime in the mornings. You now need to be in for 8am, therefore ready to catch the 7am bus. Agree a 6.15 - 6.30 shower time. If he stays in the bathroom till 7am you will still be able to get in and out in time for your regular bus.

On the rare occasion you actually are ready 1 hour early, take time out for yourself. Read a good book or meditate etc.

Seaweed42 · 19/07/2018 11:50

Why is your DH not working? It sounds like your FIL resents you possibly in a couple of ways. Well, he's the boss of his house, we know that. But maybe he also resents you going out to work and thinks if he stops you getting to work, you will leave your job or somesuch?
People always do things for a reason. Sometimes people try to manipulate others in situation they are unhappy with because they can't say it, or it's unconscious and they don't know they are doing it.

RaspberryBeret34 · 19/07/2018 12:07

He's an idiot! I'd just use some wipes or something in the morning and put plenty of deo on. You can't change other people but you can change your reaction to them and this won't be forever. It sounds like whatever you say he will just carry on doing this. What a shame that he is causing damage to a close family relationship with pettiness and passive aggression.

I can think of a few slightly mean things like shaming him by strip washing at the sink or coming home crying saying you've lost your job due to lateness! But maybe 2 wrongs don't make a right...

If there's a gym near your work, join for a couple of months and take the 7.30 bus to have a leisurely shower at the gym. Say nothing to FIL, let him keep twisting himself in knots to try and mess your mornings up.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 19/07/2018 12:10

What a cunt (him not you)

twoshedsjackson · 19/07/2018 12:12

Another tactic to consider. Get up at stupid o'clock. Knock on PIL's bedroom door, saying that you are planning a shower, would he like first dibs before you go in. (Possible "understanding" remark about "older people" needing the bathroom more often, not being able to wait, etc). Apologize to MIL for disturbing if the poor benighted woman still shares a bedroom with him.
Either he agrees and gets to use the bathroom earlier than he wanted to, while you go back to bed, later remarking cheerfully that the extra half-hour's snooze was so refreshing, or he is cornered into admitting that he doesn't need it yet. Admittedly, you'd be up and showered earlier than strictly necessary, but it's only a few weeks

Birdsgottafly · 19/07/2018 12:14

Start washing in the kitchen sink.

You can't lose your job and I'm sure MIL will keep out of your way.

Or take a bowel of hot water up to your bedroom.

senua · 19/07/2018 12:19

If you start washing in the kitchen then will you get in his way and muck up his breakfast/getting-out-the-door plans? That would be a shame, wouldn't it.Grin

PepperAndPops · 19/07/2018 12:21

Just shower the night before and brush your teeth in the kitchen. Even if it's just for a week to break the habit and make note of when the bathroom is free. It will probably wind him up that you have taken the high ground and avoided the situation in the morning. But he might just give up.

He probably feels a bit resentful that he has to stick to a bathroom timetable in his own house, but obviously is being an arse, especially as you pay rent etc.

JessicaJonesJacket · 19/07/2018 12:22

He sounds a nightmare.
As PPs have said, have a shower the night before. Buy a Victorian basin and jug, then in the morning, you can fill it with hot water from the kitchen and use it to get washed in your bedroom.
I'd take great delight in showing DH, DMIL and DFIL your vintage basin and jug , and possibly add in a joke about how you didn't realise staying with them would be like one of those reality/history programmes. but that is slightly unfair to DMIL who sounds lovely

Jillyjollyjandy · 19/07/2018 12:23

I’d call him out infront of everyone and have my husband back me up.

AdoraBell · 19/07/2018 12:27

OP I’ve recently started using Mitchum antiperspirant and it lasts for 48 hours. I’m not suggesting you only shower every other day, but give the Mitchum stuff a try and shower I’m the evening.

YANBU and FIL is being arsey. How long do you need to put up with living there?

ToadOfSadness · 19/07/2018 12:28

Or take a bowel of hot water up to your bedroom.

That would certainly cause a rush for the bathroom.

MissMarplesKnitting · 19/07/2018 12:30

Over dinner, get upset. Work have 'noticed your lateness' and boss has made a comment.

You have to go in earlier to make the time up, so will need to use the bathroom at 6am.

Set alarm. Gey up, make a cuppa. Wait for twatty FIL to inhabit shower. Use the downstairs toilet. Flush it AT LEAST twice to fuck up his shower flow and temperature. Consider adding a squirt of deep heat to his shower gel....

Sit in bed with your brew. Laugh to yourself.

ToadOfSadness · 19/07/2018 12:33

Shower before bed, wash hair. Bowl of water for a morning wash/wipe down with a flannel. Get up at a time that suits you, you may need less time in the morning if you shower at night, so you can get up, take your time and wander out, ignoring the old fart.

I would take pleasure in making him get up early for no reason, so would probably be up and about a couple of hours too early to make a drink and go back to bed with it until he is done in the bathroom, but there is no guarantee that he won't nip back in when you get up for real so would still employ the method above.

FeistyOldBat · 19/07/2018 12:37

Over dinner, get upset. Work have 'noticed your lateness' and boss has made a comment.

That would encourage him, give him what he wants.

Have you looked at what you can get in your area for what you're paying now?

If my FiL had done that to me he wouldn't have been welcome in my home, ever.

endofthelinefinally · 19/07/2018 12:40

He is doing it deliberately.
For that reason it is extremely unlikely that you will find a solution.
Honestly, I would look for a travelodge or airbnb near your work and use the rent money for that.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 19/07/2018 12:41

Ask him what's the earliest time he would ever want to have a shower in the morning and make sure you're up before that. He says 6am, you get up at 5.45am. If you having an early shower disturbs him unnecessarily, so much the better

RuggerHug · 19/07/2018 12:44

Get up earlier, let him run in and have a cuppa while he's there. Move the car keys the night before(visable from the front door-burglars FIL!!!) and forget to tell him the safe place you put them before you hop in shower. Emerge when he is already late and saunter past into the taxi you had ready to take you in on time.

Ok maybe not but I would be very tempted...

ciderhouserules · 19/07/2018 12:44

Ha - anyone remember the recent thread about the OP with a lodger and the 'Rule' she had for her use of the bathroom (15 minutes in the morning, IIRC) Many, many, many posters told her she was totally unreasonable, 'banning' lodger from the bathroom (again, for 15 minutes!) and 'what ifs'... he had diarrhoea/sickness at 647am when OP was in there... And told OP that she was treating lodger like a 14 yo, with her unreasonable 'Rules'.

OP - FIL is totally playing you. I, personally, would move out.

purplecorkheart · 19/07/2018 12:44

Sounds like he resents you being in his house for some reason. Honestly no matter what you do he is probably going to try and stop you. Air bnb or a cheap b&b/hotel might be the best bet rather than risking your job.

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