To think this is a petty power play and not sure how to deal with it?

[BanananananaDaiquiri]

DH and I recently moved in with his parents while we wait for our house purchase to go through. To be clear, we're not freeloading - we're paying rent and contributing to household expenses in other ways, as well as buying our own stuff as usual.

MIL is lovely, I've always got on well with her so living with her is no problem at all. FIL is another story. He's the sort of person who is never wrong, never apologises, knows everything, would argue black is white, talks over people etc. (Fortunately DH took after his mother!)

FIL and I are the only ones working. I work M-F 9-5 and get a bus to work from their village, which takes about 30-35 mins depending on traffic. The buses are every half hour so to be sure of getting to work on time, I've been aiming to get the 8.00am bus which gets me to the office with 10-15 minutes before start time to get logged on, make a cuppa etc. Perfect.

FIL works as a sort of delivery driver and has variable start times, but usually leaves the house around 7.15-7.45am, and obviously has a certain amount of flexibility as he's using a vehicle and can pretty much plan his own routes. This is where it gets petty and annoying. They only have one bathroom, and no matter how carefully and clearly I try to arrange with FIL each evening what time we can both use the shower the following morning without either of us ending up late for work, he always manages to be in there when we'd 'agreed' (or so I'd thought) that it would be my turn. It's not that he didn't understand or got confused; he makes it quite clear that he's just "changed his mind" or "decided to have a shave after all". Three times now (in two weeks) I've ended up missing the bus and being late for work. My manager is reasonably understanding but we don't have flexitime so sooner or later I'm going to be in trouble if this goes on.

It sounds ridiculous but it's really stressing me out! I've tried getting up stupidly early and getting in before him but it's as though he listens out for any sound from our bedroom - whether it's my alarm, or just me moving around as I get up (creaky floorboards etc) I'm not sure, but he literally races to the bathroom and practically shuts the door in my face with a smug grin. DH has tried having a word with him and he's got nowhere either. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with the 6-8 weeks+ we've got left here.

(Dashing off to a hospital appointment shortly so if I don't reply, it's nothing sinister.)

If its max 8 weeks and there's no other cheaper way to sort your accommodation I'd suck it up. Get up at 6 and go straight into the shower, or at least if he hears you at 6 and jumps in himself, you'll have time to still shower.

It IS a petty power play so don't indulge it, just rise above. It will be just as annoying for him and in two months you'll be in your own home and can get up whenever you like.

Hope your DH hasn't inherited these traits. Its a bit rubbish of him not to have a conversation on your behalf.

Oh OP, I feel really bad for you - he sounds awful! My sister has a BF that has parents who sound exactly like that, and unfortunately BF takes after his father... but that's another story!

I would agree with PPs that you should take an evening shower - check out this totally scientific article that also agrees: www.bustle.com/p/6-reasons-you-should-shower-at-night-not-in-the-morning-according-to-science-2424559

If you still feel 'icky' when you wake up, then I would say use some wet wipes to clean where you feel you need to, and if you have long hair, wear it clipped on top of your head whilst sleeping, as I tend to find my longer hair makes my neck feel sweaty whilst sleeping...

Sorry that you are going through this, but just remind yourself - it's not going to be forever! And congrats on the house purchase!!

Cant you tackle him over dinner, while all 4 of you there?
DFIL, I was late for work again this morning. I'm worried about losing my job. Please can we agree a bathroom schedule for mornings, that works for us both, so that we can stop this silly situation. If this continues, I'll have to find somewhere else to stay as my job is too important to risk losing.

I agree with PP, get a shower at night. Take a bowl into your room to 'wash up' in the morning and brush your teeth in the kitchen sink. You can buy face wash these days that don't require water. You pour a bit onto a cotton pad and wipe your face with it, job done! (they supposedly take off make-up and everything). Hopefully you can at least use the loo at the house before heading to the bus stop.

I can't believe your husband and MIL aren't having a serious discussion with FIL about this. FIL sounds an arse! He either doesn't want you there or has control issues, or both Your DH presumably knows what his father is like, so must have ideas on how to cope with him? I think I'd be looking for a hotel or something for the next 8 weeks.

Have a quiet word with MIL?

Otherwise, yes, inconvenience him. Set your alarm for stupid o'clock, groan a bit, move about, see what happenns. With luck it'll only be a couple of early morning disturbances before he gets bored with it.

Mind you if he stops doing it, he'll find something else to do, so he can carry on playing.....

Say over dinner that unfortunately you will have to reduce what you are paying them as your boss is reducing your pay to reflect you being late when you have been unable to use the bathroom

What an absolute arse. Can you move into a lodging for a couple of months?

Sounds like MIL doesn't mind you staying but FIL doesn't want you there and isn't prepared to tolerate even the most minor of inconveniences to facilitate it. Also sounds like he's a complete fucking arse.

I'd take a washing up bowl half full of cold water to your room every night after a shower, and have a kettle in your room, so you can have a strip wash every morning with flannel and soap. Another jug of water so you can clean your teeth, then tip the lot down the kitchen sink when you're finished. Obviously you'll need to clean the sink afterwards which will involve running the tap, which would be a shame if FIL was in the shower .

I don't think it's resentment at all. It's control. I had a FIL just like this. He wanted everyone there but he wanted them to know they were subordinate to him when they were. He'd get very restless and sulky if outwitted, I suspect yours would too OP.

Is there a gym near your office? So get the early bus to work, use there shower and skip gleefully into work?

I’d talk with MIL on her own, thank her for offering her home while the sale is going through, but you’ll be looking for an air b&b for the remaining time as you feel FIL is finding it hard to adjust to you being there and it’s impacting on your work.
Either she will insist on sorting out her husband and he will change and you can stay, or she will reluctantly agree with you, as I’m sure he will have made complaints to her.
It always seems like a good idea at the time to offer help, but in reality can put a strain on all parties.
Even giving them/him a week’s breather might make a bit of difference?

Share the problem with MIL and ask her to ensure that he sticks to the time agreed.

Your husband should be the one sorting this out.
Why isn't he?

if your MIL is nice, I'd just sit down with her and explain what's happening; say that if you can't access a toilet in the morning you cannot live there and it feels as if FIL is purposely undermining your work and/or trying to get you to leave. Ask what she'd advise. She might talk him out of it.
If that doesn't work and if there is no downstairs toilet, you'll have to leave. Though I guess you could shower the night before, get a Victorian chamber pot, ask your DH to empty it for you in the morning on those mornings you can't use a toilet, and see how long it takes him to sort out FIL!.
Really. You can't be faffing about with no access to a toilet/bathroom in the morning.

What a knob! Please update tomorrow OP!

What an arse.

I second swimming in the morning - or filling a paddling pool in the garden and explaining to neighbours why you are having a bubble bath out there at 7am!

Thanks all, some helpful suggestions here. I think I'm going to have to suck up showering in the evening and wet-wiping or similar each morning - and not announcing it, or no doubt FIL will suddenly decide he needs a three hour long nightly bath

To those querying my DH, a) he has already tackled FIL but FIL just agrees (albeit crossly/grudgingly) to whatever he's being asked at the time - then does whatever the hell he wants the next morning anyway and b) my DH is disabled, which is why he no longer works. It also makes moving elsewhere tricky, as we have no other family within easy commuting distance of my job, and DH has health-related needs which his MIL is brilliant at supporting when I'm not around (hence why we're moving closer to them in the first place).

I don't think it's resentment at all. It's control. I had a FIL just like this. He wanted everyone there but he wanted them to know they were subordinate to him when they were. He'd get very restless and sulky if outwitted

@HollyGibney this is absolutely spot on...you're not my ex-SIL, are you??

Sorry, my MIL/his mum, obvs!

Can you buy him some Imodium, print out some info on IBS and sweetly offer to go to the GP with him as you’ve noticed that he’s struggling and it’s nothing to be ashamed of?
Alternatively start buying him small but thoughtful gifts - mini bottles of Soap and Glory, face masks, etc..

It sounds like a petty form of exerting control to me - especially given you're paying rent. It also sounds like your FIL is not happy to have you in the house.

I would find this intolerable - even if it's just for another few weeks.

Can you rent an Airbnb or similar for yourself for the time being instead of paying rent to the in laws? Your DH could stay with them if necessary. It doesn't have to be presented as a confrontational act by you, just simply "FIL's bathroom habits are making it very difficult to get to work. You've therefore made alternative arrangements for a few weeks as you're worried about your job." Simples.

Nothing to say, only sympathy - I'm fuming on your behalf, though. What a fucking bellend!

Maybe you can ask if he's getting senile, as he keeps forgetting what you've agreed? Even better if you can act sincerely worried and slightly patronising about it...

Don’t engage in this—it’s absurd and pathetic (of him).

Shower in the evening (not ideal I know but this can’t go on) and keep a toothbrush, face wash, shower gel etc in your room for the morning. You can then teeth/wash face/freshen up etc at the kitchen sink (again really not ideal but if this is how he’s going to conduct himself then you need a way around it without giving him the satisfaction of it bothering you).

The weeks will fly by and you’ll have your lovely new house in no time. Hang in there OP.

So his wife is sleeping next to him and sees him getting up at stupid o’clock and pissing about with the bathroom. She hasn’t said anything because he’s a silly old fool and she knows she’s stuck with him (or feels she is).

Take the shower head to bed with you oh and the hose

See how he likes that

I would also investigate swimming pools / PAYG gyms near work. Get fit, annoy FIL and shower!