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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is a petty power play and not sure how to deal with it?

175 replies

BanananananaDaiquiri · 19/07/2018 10:16

DH and I recently moved in with his parents while we wait for our house purchase to go through. To be clear, we're not freeloading - we're paying rent and contributing to household expenses in other ways, as well as buying our own stuff as usual.

MIL is lovely, I've always got on well with her so living with her is no problem at all. FIL is another story. He's the sort of person who is never wrong, never apologises, knows everything, would argue black is white, talks over people etc. (Fortunately DH took after his mother!)

FIL and I are the only ones working. I work M-F 9-5 and get a bus to work from their village, which takes about 30-35 mins depending on traffic. The buses are every half hour so to be sure of getting to work on time, I've been aiming to get the 8.00am bus which gets me to the office with 10-15 minutes before start time to get logged on, make a cuppa etc. Perfect.

FIL works as a sort of delivery driver and has variable start times, but usually leaves the house around 7.15-7.45am, and obviously has a certain amount of flexibility as he's using a vehicle and can pretty much plan his own routes. This is where it gets petty and annoying. They only have one bathroom, and no matter how carefully and clearly I try to arrange with FIL each evening what time we can both use the shower the following morning without either of us ending up late for work, he always manages to be in there when we'd 'agreed' (or so I'd thought) that it would be my turn. It's not that he didn't understand or got confused; he makes it quite clear that he's just "changed his mind" or "decided to have a shave after all". Three times now (in two weeks) I've ended up missing the bus and being late for work. My manager is reasonably understanding but we don't have flexitime so sooner or later I'm going to be in trouble if this goes on.

It sounds ridiculous but it's really stressing me out! I've tried getting up stupidly early and getting in before him but it's as though he listens out for any sound from our bedroom - whether it's my alarm, or just me moving around as I get up (creaky floorboards etc) I'm not sure, but he literally races to the bathroom and practically shuts the door in my face with a smug grin. DH has tried having a word with him and he's got nowhere either. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with the 6-8 weeks+ we've got left here.

(Dashing off to a hospital appointment shortly so if I don't reply, it's nothing sinister.)

OP posts:
KokoandAllBall · 19/07/2018 11:07

Shower before bed, and keep baby wipes and a toothbrush in your room so you can freshen up if he shuts you out in the morning. And buy a strong (man's) deodorant. If you can get a shower in the morning it's a bonus.

And don't be polite and minimizing if he asks why you stopped showering in the morning. Say straight "It's because you always slam the bathroom door in my face in the morning so I'm going to get ready the night before." He can't spend the whole evening and night in the bathroom...

IdaDown · 19/07/2018 11:08

Look for AirB&B.

Or there a pay as you go gym near to work? You could use their facilities.

LucyLou49 · 19/07/2018 11:08

I would shower the night before and use the kettle for a bowl of washing water in the morning. Or sink in downstairs loo if there is one.

He is obviously doing it deliberately, so if he sees it's not affecting you then it will probably stop.

The80sweregreat · 19/07/2018 11:08

shower before bed and just have a quick wash/ teeth etc downstairs? I must admit he sounds a nightmare! I would love to have two bathrooms for all these reasons and we all get on / try to juggle it! i hope the six weeks fly by for you!!

Madforfootball · 19/07/2018 11:08

As pp said, get a washing bowl for your room, plus a kettle. Put some cold water in both the night before, then boil the kettle in the morning. That way you can have a cold strip wash before you leave, without needing the bathroom other than for the toilet.

He reminds me of my sister. The last Christmas we spent together (about 15 years ago now) she became possessive of the bathroom in the morning. The morning I travelled down (on the night sleeper) she insisted on having a bath before I arrived, so there was no hot water for me to shower when I got there (feeling dirty from the travel). Christmas morning she got up at half six to shower - ok, she was out of the way before I needed to go in (I was in the church choir so had to leave before everyone else) but she woke everyone up as the shower was loud and, again, used all the hot water in the process. She then went back to bed and asleep.

The thing is, if I'd had a shower before her I'd have been in and out in 5 mins and there would have been plenty of hot water left in the tank.

maxthemartian · 19/07/2018 11:09

I agree shower the night before and brush teeth in kitchen. Use wet wipes on pits and bits in the mornings.
At least it's only temporary.

What an arsehole he is though.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 19/07/2018 11:11

Is there a pool nearby? Go for an early swim and shower there. And tell dh to get in there for his morning poo before fil gets up!

Want2bSupermum · 19/07/2018 11:12

What does your DH say? I'm surprised he hasn't already asked his father what he is playing at.

Meanwhile the j&j head to toe baby wipes are good for a morning wipe down when it's hot.

Nikephorus · 19/07/2018 11:17

set your alarm for ridiculously early and make some moving about noises then lie in bed enjoying the fact that he's got up at 6am to spite you.
This ^^. Inconvenience him AND you'll still have time for your shower.

Bibesia · 19/07/2018 11:17

Agree a time, but mentally assume it will be the other way round, i.e. that FiL will take your slot and vice versa.

Oldraver · 19/07/2018 11:18

I would try and find alternative accomodation. If you are paying rent you might as well put it towards something that fits you.

How come DH isnt working, is he SAHD ? If possible could he get some tempory work to help toward costs

KokoandAllBall · 19/07/2018 11:21

I wouldn't agree to any more times! It's became a game for him. If he brings up times again, point out it's not a system he's honoured so far.

Cornettoninja · 19/07/2018 11:21

I think the getting up really early to force him out of bed if he wants to play games is the best course of action and leaves you time to get ready. It’s a wounder for you to have to get up early but it’s only for a few weeks and make sure you can catch up at the weekends.

He, however, sounds like a massive dick. I don’t like confrontation at the best of times and I would be very aware of any arguments carrying on whilst I just wanted to get on with my life. I bet he’s a petty grudge holder too (I am so am pretty confident of my twat-radar).

LetsGoBitches · 19/07/2018 11:22

I’d be so tempted to put laxatives in his tea so he’s never out of the damn bathroom! He’ll soon be sick of it!

Also give him a flat tyre! See how he likes being late?

However I think the best solutions are for you to talk with your manager and explain that you are being made late by your fil.

Also I think the suggestion to get gym membership for yourself nearby your work and use their showers is an excellent idea. You can work out as well as it’s excellent for stress.

Could you arrange to use a neighbor’s bathroom? Really shame your prick of a fil?

blackfootdaisy · 19/07/2018 11:23

I know what you mean banana I have to shower in the morning otherwise I feel dirty
Can you confront him then . Say in front of everyone that we agreed a certain time but you used it then , why do you keep on doing that ?
He sounds vile

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 11:25

Tell him you want to use the bathroom at 7 am then go in it at 6:45.

dangerrabbit · 19/07/2018 11:25

Shower night before or at work, or pay as you go gym sounds good

ShovingLeopard · 19/07/2018 11:25

Really embarrassing for him to act like this, as a grown man. Could you talk to MIL about it? Ask her why he's doing it, and maybe say you are considering moving to a rental. She might rein him in.

endofthelinefinally · 19/07/2018 11:30

Airbnb or travel lodge.
Arrange with MIL to pay for meals only and just have an evening meal there.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 11:33

Just realised he hears you getting up. You’ll have to do some ninja style creeping around in the mornings.

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2018 11:35

I assume the op has tried pretending she is having a 6am shower and it hasn’t worked , so do the night thing and say (with everyone) we didn’t realise you wojld object so much to my using the bathroom so we will need to move sooner. Hence we have to pay less rent sorry by £x starting this week.

Ractify · 19/07/2018 11:37

What does MIL say about it?
Get DH to get up early and sit in the bathroom until you can get in there, then he can go back to bed.
He sounds horrid.

PuppyMonkey · 19/07/2018 11:38

Yuck, I couldn't deal with the pettiness of this. I'd definitely look at Travelodge instead - get one nearer where you work and you can factor in the reduced travel costs into your budget.

Tell them tonight at dinner that's what you'll be doing and why and shame the twat.

twoshedsjackson · 19/07/2018 11:38

I know washing the night before is probably the best way of spoiling fun, however unsatisfactory this feels (especially in this hot weather, but at least you know it's time-limited; grit your teeth (which you have brushed in the kitchen, having discreetly drawn MIL's attention to what you are having to do) and wait for karma to reach out when roles are reversed and he is visiting your house.
Or - wait until he is smugly ensconced, "accidentally shove something up against the door which will jam it, and create an almighty "emergency" ruckus......

AgentJohnson · 19/07/2018 11:40

Yes he’s a dick, what can you do about it, sod all. Get up earlier and when he races to the bathroom let him get on with it and when he finishes, use the bathroom at the time you would of originally preferred and catch your bus. Don’t waste any more of your time trying to appeal to his better nature, pssst he doesn’t have one.