To think this is a petty power play and not sure how to deal with it?

[BanananananaDaiquiri]

DH and I recently moved in with his parents while we wait for our house purchase to go through. To be clear, we're not freeloading - we're paying rent and contributing to household expenses in other ways, as well as buying our own stuff as usual.

MIL is lovely, I've always got on well with her so living with her is no problem at all. FIL is another story. He's the sort of person who is never wrong, never apologises, knows everything, would argue black is white, talks over people etc. (Fortunately DH took after his mother!)

FIL and I are the only ones working. I work M-F 9-5 and get a bus to work from their village, which takes about 30-35 mins depending on traffic. The buses are every half hour so to be sure of getting to work on time, I've been aiming to get the 8.00am bus which gets me to the office with 10-15 minutes before start time to get logged on, make a cuppa etc. Perfect.

FIL works as a sort of delivery driver and has variable start times, but usually leaves the house around 7.15-7.45am, and obviously has a certain amount of flexibility as he's using a vehicle and can pretty much plan his own routes. This is where it gets petty and annoying. They only have one bathroom, and no matter how carefully and clearly I try to arrange with FIL each evening what time we can both use the shower the following morning without either of us ending up late for work, he always manages to be in there when we'd 'agreed' (or so I'd thought) that it would be my turn. It's not that he didn't understand or got confused; he makes it quite clear that he's just "changed his mind" or "decided to have a shave after all". Three times now (in two weeks) I've ended up missing the bus and being late for work. My manager is reasonably understanding but we don't have flexitime so sooner or later I'm going to be in trouble if this goes on.

It sounds ridiculous but it's really stressing me out! I've tried getting up stupidly early and getting in before him but it's as though he listens out for any sound from our bedroom - whether it's my alarm, or just me moving around as I get up (creaky floorboards etc) I'm not sure, but he literally races to the bathroom and practically shuts the door in my face with a smug grin. DH has tried having a word with him and he's got nowhere either. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with the 6-8 weeks+ we've got left here.

(Dashing off to a hospital appointment shortly so if I don't reply, it's nothing sinister.)

Here's my 3 step plan for how to tackle this- step3 might get you thrown out of the house though! 😀

1. Wash the night before in case step 2 fails.

1. Get one of those watches with an alarm that wakes you by shaking your wrist. Wake up silently and in one motion get up from the bed, grab a prepacked bag of everything you need for the bathroom, and swoop in before him.
2. When he's in the bathroom after you, hide his car keys and leave for work. Feign innocence when asked about it. 😂🤣😁

Oh you evil genius whatsnew. Excellent plan. In fact given his blatant fuckyouery I'd be tempted to run a parallel fuckyou campaign of hidden keys, hidden glasses, hidden newspapers etc. Petty but satisfying!

Oh whatsnew is genius. Definitely, definitely hide the car keys. Not every day. Or one shoe . Not every day. Or his toothbrush! Little things here and there that can't be traced to you, so he can never attack you for it.
But definitely hide the car keys (sometimes they can fall off and someone kicks them under a chair/table by accident as they pass) once.

I’d stop off at the gym or pool on the way to work each morning and get ready there.

I think when some people make it clear they really need something and are quite particular about when they need it (and in your case it’s because of hyperhidrosis , understandably) there are some people who see it as weakness and get pleasure from deliberately disrupting what they think is a controlling way to be and forcing the other person to “go with the flow,” or be stronger due to their own silly internal reasoning.

I only say this as I have experienced it myself with MIL. I have a small DS with a nut allergy and MIL does not believe in the allergy. I was and am anxious about him being given nuts so try to make it clear to everyone when I meet them or they are alone wth DS even for a short time, that they have to be very careful.

I think MIL probably heard me reminding everyone so much when we stayed with them that she sort of got it into her head that she would “not be dictated to in her own house” and “not have a controlling DIL” and started pushing the boundaries. Like eating nuts around him until he asked her for one, buying lots of things containing nuts and giving them to his siblings and made a fuss about how I wouldn’t allow it, becoming “confused” about what was a nut and what wasn’t.

Obviously all of this is wrong and unkind but I discovered the way to deal with it is to be very open and direct about it because it beats the bully at their own game, and it wipes away the impression that you are somehow scared or worried or avoidant about something (like you are of being late.)

So I would say things like “how are you doing on your mission to kill DS, MIL?” And smile. Or off the back of group conversations or comments I would shame her and say “MIL thinks it’s funny to taunt DS with nuts when if he actually ate one he would die,” then give a dark laugh.

It even got to the point where I bought her a special “nut box” and nut identity book and presented it to her in front of everyone and announced that she could no longer get confused between what was a nut and what wasn’t and didn’t need to leave packets open etc.

I would suggest that you first of all act like you don’t need the bathroom anymore; and his pleasure at disrupting you will disappear.

Or become very open and shaming about it around everyone. Tell him you desperately need to pee in the morning, and he is stopping you going. “PIL seems to be on a mission to prevent me from showering/going to the toilet. God knows why... i’m Going to have to call portaloo and get one delivered to the side of the house.”

I honestly think it’s the only way to deal with bullies like this.

Your fil is a dick. I would be looking into alternative accommodation and let your mil know why.

I would also be telling your fil that he is pathetic. He obviously doesn’t realise or care how much this is going to affect your relationship

Do you not have a friend that you can stay with whilst you’re waiting to move out, perhaps someone in work is looking for temporary lodger and bit of extra cash ?
Leave husband there, if Mil caring for him and it clear why you’re doing it.

make it clear

Thank you everyone (except @HolyPieter, but as my DH's disability is an invisible one I'm already used to a certain type of person rushing to judgement so I feel more sorry for her than I do for myself). Yesterday, having arranged over dinner as usual that I would need the bathroom at 6.45am today, I waited until FIL fell asleep in his armchair - which he does most nights - and had a shower then, then had a pits and bits wash/cleaned my teeth at the kitchen sink this morning which completely coincidentally happened to be around 6.50am when FIL had, as usual, pinched 'my slot' in the shower, so I do hope me running the cold tap while I cleaned my teeth didn't cause the shower to run scalding hot or anything He didn't say a word when he came downstairs and I was already dressed and about to go out for the bus.

I can't say I feel completely clean today but I think that's mostly paranoia because I know I haven't had my usual shower. Fortunately their loo is separate from the bathroom so I don't have any issues there. I might try and have a chat with MIL over the weekend but FIL ignores her if what she's saying doesn't suit him so I'm not holding out much hope there.

@Whatjaggedsharpeisyouhave that must have been horrendous! My situation is frustrating but your MIL's behaviour was downright dangerous. I'm glad your little boy came through that unscathed.

The father-in-law sounds absolutely ghastly 🤨

I'd just go for the quietly subversive approach. No point talking as he's ignoring you.
Shower at night and then do everything to disrupt his shower in the morning...run the taps, flush another toilet (in my house this stops the shower briefly) put the dishwasher/washing machine on. Be slightly evil.

That sounds like a good approach Banana. Love what Beamer suggested too.

What does he say if you knock on the door or confront him? I would at least ask why he’s in there when he personally agreed on a later time, or why he takes so long that you can’t use it after him! It’s definitely a power play

Whatjaggedsharpeisyouhave

How did your MIL respond to that?? Has she stopped eating nuts in front of him or taunting him with them?

I would stick with your new routine and run hot and cold taps to mess with him.

Re showering at night I find if I go to bed with my hair damp rather than fully blow dried I feel cleaner in the morning

After you run the cold tap you really must run the hot tap! I have blephoritis, an eye conditon. I run the hot tap to hot compress and wash my eyes at least twice a day, the condition is pretty unnoticeable if you manage it well by doing this, maybe you’ve had an onset?

Also I do love that fresh clean feeling as you crawl between the sheets at night after a shower- try and savour that to make it all a bit more bearable!

@BanananananaDaiquiri do you use an aluminium chloride antiperspirant for you hyperhidrosis? I use a spray-on on my scalp once a fortnight and it's pretty good. Might help you get through feeling uncomfortable having an evening shower.

Just came on to say you ought to do the washing up while he’s in the shower as hopefully it will affect it, but see your update

Probably not ideal, but could you join a gym for 8 weeks and shower there?

It does sound like your FIL is being a major pillock, I would set a boobie trap on him if he comes to visit your new place! For example if he uses your bathroom unscrew the handle so he’s trapped in there for a bit!

What if you (quietly) got up a bit earlier and had your shower. Leave the shower running while you change in the locked bathroom. Exit via the window and head to work. By the time he figures out that there’s no one in there and manages to break the door down, there’ll be no hot water left for him. Drastic. But needs must...

I wish you best of luck in dealing with him. We’re all on your side!

I would be tempted to ask him at the dinner table if he's trying to catch you in the shower...

Ooh, you should totally test if running the hot tap in the kitchen makes the shower run cold!!

What an awful bastard he is!!

I would be tempted to wage a secret war against him - hiding the car keys etc as PP suggested, but I am a vindictive cow.

Why did you have to brush your teeth in the kitchen sink (yuck) when there is presumably a basin in the separate toilet you mentioned.

What a bastard he is.

Say.
‘I’m starting work later tomorrow so I’ll have a bit of a lie in’.

Have your bathroom things in a plastic bag on the floor by the door inside your room. Set your phone to vibrate and within 30seconds get up and be locked inside the bathroom.

Essentially when you ‘ask’ for a time you are telling him how to annoy you.

Stop giving him information.